Bear Down Baffa

I’m over it.  I’ve been blogging on the Bears since before blogging was a thing.  Starting as an email goof back during our miraculous 2001 season, and eventually leading to this blog in 2007, I’ve been dedicated to hilariously summarizing Bears games each and every week since.  Riding their highs and lows as if they were my own, I’ve used this forum to both celebrate their triumphs and to vent my frustrations with their disasters.  But in that time, while there have been 0 triumphs, there have been far too many disasters to count.  Yet 16 times a year, for 20 years now, I’ve forced myself to come up with nonsensical fodder to explain away the shit-show that the Bears have become.  And if I’m being frank (which is what we do here at BDB), it’s probably been the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.  So, like just about everyone in Trump’s cabinet, I’m forgoing any responsibility for what’s happened, and I’m officially resigning my post.

This Javon “Musk For Men” Wims drop may just
have been the ball that broke this blogger’s back

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I don’t care what you say, the Bears lost to GB on Sunday.  Yet somehow we’re all just supposed to accept that they’re still going to the playoffs?  Tenured coaches and executives alike are coming forward with clear evidence that the Bears lost, and yet the mainstream media continues to ignore the facts, which are countless, detailed and indisputable.  And unless the AZ Cardinals can somehow convince the NFL to overturn the results, the Bears are going to steal the last NFC playoff spot from them.  Cards Owner Michael Bidwill isn’t having it, announcing that he’s suing the Bears and NFL Commish Roger Goodell.  He’s even suing the states of MI, PA and GA for some reason.  Only time will tell if his “bid will” work, as he calls on fans to rise up and stop the steal (#StopTheBearsSteal).  But as of now, and until further notice, the f-ing Bears are in the f-ing playoffs, you f-ing guys!

Even Bear players are calling it fraud.  Or they’ve
taken to singing opera when calling their signals.

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As much as I want to be excited that the Bears won, and at 8-7 are now firmly in the playoff picture, I just can’t help but wince.  Sure, we just put together our second 3-game win-streak, which kind of nullifies our 6-game losing streak (no it doesn’t).  But after clawing our way back above .500 for the first time in 41 days, the Bears are still just 1-5 against teams with winning records.  That means that 7 of our wins have come against losing teams who’s combined records are just 30-75 (.286).  And yet we somehow control our fate:  if we win, we’re in.  But we have to beat GB, which we’ve only done 3 times in our last 20 tries (15%).  If we lose, we still get in if AZ loses too.  So just like the COVID vaccine, the Bears will get 2 shots to stay alive through this hoax of a season.

If the Bears only played teams with losing records,
we’d probably make the playoffs much more often

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So I guess our blog jumped the gun a bit on the Bear’s season being over.  You can’t really blame us, considering the Bear’s mid-season crisis and all.  Not to mention the fact that we’ve only beaten 1 decent team (TB), and we had to come back from double-digit deficits in 3 of our 7 wins.  But sure enough, we’ve come full circle.  After starting 5-1, then losing 6 straight, these numbskulls had the audacity to flip it AGAIN and win 2 in a row.  So now we’ve fallen so far in the draft, we might as well just make the playoffs.  But it’s not up to us any longer.  The Bears need help, and the one team that can save our season now is the Arizona Cardinals.  So we’re stuck in limbo for at least another week, as this thing could really go either way.  It’s like two roads diverging in the woods, and they both lead to nasty, public outhouses that’ve run out of toilet paper due to the pandemic.

So you’re saying the solution’s been in our backfield all along?!

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Leave it to Mitch and the Bears to wait until their season is virtually over to actually start playing.  It’s shocking that, despite our 6-game losing streak, this win puts us ahead of 7 NFC teams.  So we’re simultaneously playing for the draft (PFTD) while also fighting for a playoff spot (FFAPS).  It’s so confusing!  But before anyone gets excited about the Bears and the playoffs, nothing has changed.  We still suck.  It’s just that the Houstons suck way more.  They assigned their GM duties to head coach Bill O’Brien back in January.  And he made so many bad moves that by October, he got fired from both roles.  They’ve still won 4 games this year, but 2 were against the 1-12 Jags, and 1 was so shocking that it got the opposing coach, Detroit’s Matt Patricia, fired.  So don’t go thinking the Bears did anything Sunday other than blow a straw house down.  And hurt their draft position.

Texas’s O is so bad that our D scored on them (via
safety), so our O only had to score 6 points to win.

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For most of the 3 hours I spent watching the game Sunday, I was merely waiting around for Mitch to shit the bed.  And it took almost the whole game, but he finally came through.  With a 3-point lead in the final 2 minutes, he fumbled inside our own 10 yard-line.  Those of you still holding out for something other than a better draft position probably enjoyed most of the game, as we led for 56 minutes, but then you had your hearts ripped out, like that chef in “Dumb and Dumber.”  Meanwhile, savvy fans who’ve accepted that we’re now Playing For The Draft (PFTD) also enjoyed the game because the Bears never took a lead so big that we couldn’t blow it, and then we managed to blow it.  Sure, it’s now been 50 days since our last win, but in dropping our 6th in a row, we moved up at least 2 spots in next year’s draft.  And those of us on team PTFD still have our hearts intact.

Detroit may have won the war, but we won this battle:
K-Mack asks Stafford, “How you like THESE apples?!”
And to me it doesn’t look like Stafford likes those apples.

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The 2020 Chicago Bears are a joke.  A gif, like that monkey peeing into his own mouth.  But despite the hilarity, I’m not laughing.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  If I were to create a new gif to capture how I feel about the Bears, it would be a little boy sleeping under a Christmas tree full of presents next to a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.  And then Santa Claus and Jesus sneak in quietly and head for the tree.  As Santa holds his empty bag open, Jesus takes all the boy’s presents and puts them into the bag.  Then, as Jesus pours the milk over the boys head, waking him up, Santa kicks him square in the nuts, and yells, “Ho Ho Ho!”  And as they both trod out laughing hysterically, the boy’s parents come in, high five them and then pose for selfies as the boy sits soaked in milk – and confusion – cupping his balls, crying.  And he hasn’t even realized that he won’t get any presents yet.  How that boy will feel when he learns of this on Christmas morning – that’s how I feel about the 2020 Bears.

Christ, when is Rodgers going to die already?!

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You have to give it to Matt “Jesus Take The Wheel” Nagy.  Already on his way out, he reached deep into his bag of tricks for an answer to the Bear’s offensive deficiencies.  And all he came up with was handing off play-calling duties to OC Bill “The Blazer” Lazor.  And though the Blazer did get 2 starting O-Linemen back, he was without our top 2 RBs, aka the Accounting Firm of Cohen & Montgomery.  So the effect of this “Hail Nagy” on our offense was indistinguishable.  And after starting our season 5-1, we’ve now lost 4 straight, and show no signs of being able to score another point this year, let alone win a game.  So even though only 6 NFC teams have better records than us, and we’re somehow STILL the #8 seed, I’m gonna go ahead and put a fork in the 2020 Bears.

Foles, saying goodbye to his hip, his eyes, and his 2020 season

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Yes, the Bears suck.  At least right now.  Teams ebb and flow over the course of a season, and at 5-4, we’re definitely ebbing.  But we’ve been starting 3 backup O-Linemen.  And that’s on a line that wasn’t any good to begin with!  It’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation.  Our line has been our weak link for years, and like everything else in 2020, it finally came to a head.  But the Bears are otherwise solid, mostly because of our defense.  OK, entirely because of our defense.  But they’ll keep us in games as we fix (or figure out how to work around) our line.  And now that every NFC team has at least 2 losses, and none has more than 6 wins, we’re only a game and a half behind the #1 seed.  So unlike the Bears, who did NOTHING at last week’s trade deadline, I’m not throwing in the towel on our season just yet.

Their names and numbers are on their jerseys, but I
still don’t know who half these guys on our O-line are!

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After GB lost the early game Sunday, the Bears had jumped back into first place before we even kicked off.  And though our game was extended due to overtime, by 7 pm local time, we were not only out of first place, but we were out of the playoffs altogether.  It’s amazing what 2 losses can do, as the NFL gods came to collect all that fairy dust that had been sprinkled on the first 6 weeks of our season.  They also came to collect our 3 “best” O-linemen, leaving our already wingless crew now also rudderless.  If the Bears are gonna make any headway this year, we have to address this – and by tomorrow.  The trade deadline is Tuesday @ 4 pm.  If we don’t bring any improvements in, it would be the equivalent of throwing in the towel on our season.  So the question for the Bears becomes:  Deal or no deal?

4 O-lineman, 3 defenders, and not 1 block for Foles

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There are 256 regular season NFL games each year.  That means 256 wins – and 256 losses – to go around.  On rare occasions both teams get a tie, but 99% of the time, 1 has to lose.  And on Monday night, that was the Bears.  But no matter how bad a loss is, it only counts as 1 loss.  So I’m not sure why Bear fans are all flipping out?  We were on the road facing a team that’s won 37 of their last 54 (.685), and played in the SB 20 months ago.  So I’m not panicking just because we scored our fewest points all year (10) and allowed our 2nd most (24).  We got licked by a better team.  It happens.  We’re still 5-2, a ½ game out of 1st place, and tied for the most wins in the NFC.  That’s WAY better than anyone (other than our blog, of course) predicted.  So quitcherbellyachin and enjoy it!

The Rams spent so much time in the Bear’s endzone
that ESPN let the cameramen just setup shop in there

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Boy, that didn’t take long.  After falling in the standings 2 weeks ago, the Bears jumped right back into first place by beating up on Carolina and putting together our first complete and commanding win of the year.  And Green Bay got shellacked by Tampa, proving that the Pack isn’t as great as everyone (including me) feared, and that our beating Brady in week 5 is as monumental as it felt.  The Bears have now won 5 of 6, and appear to be peaking.  And before you start arguing that we haven’t beaten anybody yet, our opponents’ combined records against non-Bear teams is 10-13.  That’s not great, but it’s not shabby.  The bottom line is that the 2020 Bears are for real for real, folks.  And if you still doubt them after this smackdown on the Panthers, well, then that’s on you.

Carolina passing on their last chance to forfeit

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It took us 6 tries, spanning some 18 years, but the Bears FINALLY beat Tom “Goat Of Goats” Brady.  It certainly seems to have helped that we dealt a 4th-round pick for Nick “Boy, We Really Bargainista’d That Deal” Foles.  We targeted him because of his big wins in Philly, including beating Brady in the 2018 SB, and the Bears in the 2019 double-doink playoff game.  But this win was still a bit of a surprise.  We all knew that Brady could beat the Bears, and that Foles could beat Brady.  But now we know that the Bears can beat Brady – as long as we have Foles.  Does that make us a good team?  No, not necessarily.  But because the goal is to win games, if we keep winning, at some point we’ll just “become” a good team.  So, even though all rational thought keeps saying that the Bears stink, the actual smell emanating from them right now is a pleasant blend of Old Style, polish sahsage, and a freshly cleaned Lombardi trophy.

It also helped that kicker Cairo “Head Shoulders Knees And
Toes, Knee” Santos went 4 for 4, including this game-winner

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Whew!  I must admit I’m a tad relieved that we finally lost, but only because I’ve been holding my breath for 3 weeks now.  The 2020 Bears were playing with house money, and we all knew their luck would run out soon.  So, despite Indy calling in our marker, at least we can go back to breathing normally (like Trump, who has definitely NOT been on oxygen).  But we’re now 3-0 with Mitch “Wait, Yawl Talkin’ ‘Bout Trading Me?” Trubisky as our starter, and 0-1 with Nick “I Think We Need More Time To See How This QB Competition Un” Foles.  And I can’t explain it, at least not logically, or without screaming.  But this game came down to some simple math:  the Bears didn’t allow themselves to fall behind by 16 points soon enough.  So we fall to 3-1, making us just 8-8 since we flew to London to get trounced by the Raiders a year ago.  And so the Bear’s never-ending rebuild continues…

Same shit, different QB

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2020 is like the Quentin Tarantino of years:  it’s too far-fetched to be real, but it’s actually happening in front of your eyes.  So who’s surprised when, in his Bears debut, Nick “You Knew I Wouldn’t Be On The Bench For Long” Foles brings the Bears back from a 16-point deficit by putting up 20 points in the final 7 minutes – off the bench.  If we hadn’t just done that 2 weeks ago, it would’ve felt like a miracle.  But this year, eh, it’s just week 3.  And how quickly impressions of Matt “Hey, Mitch Was Already Here When I Showed Up” Nagy have changed in the past 48, huh?  All this guy did was become the 1st coach in NFL history to come back from 16 in Q4 twice in a season.  And he did it just 2 weeks apart, both on the road, and with 2 different QBs!  The Bears are now 3-0, and with Nicky Football at the helm, we’re in the Supa Bow conversation.  But don’t get ready or go to any trouble, because remember, it’s 2020.  And NO ONE knows what’s going to happen next.  Not even Tarantino, and he’s writing it!

Nick Foles, the new Punky QB?  IDK, but he does wear #9…

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The 2020 Bears are winning ugly, and they’ve already found 2 different ways to do it.  Last week, we trailed by 17 in the 3rd quarter before Trubisky brought us back.  But this week, we LED by 17 in the 3rd before we let the Giants come back on US.  Three unanswered NY scores (including 2 FGs off of Mitch’s 2 INTs) shrunk the lead to 4 with 7:43 left.  But with NY star Saquon “QAnon” Barkley going down after just 4 carries, and the Giants having little else, our impressive 1st half was enough to stave off our abysmal 2nd.  And we advance to 2-0, shocking everyone.  Well, everyone except the Bears themselves, our blog staff, and the courageous and legendary Ruth Bader Ginsburg (RBG, RIP).  As we all remember, the 2 last things she said on her death bed were:  1. Don’t let Trump replace me, and 2. Bears all the way in 2020, case closed!  

The 2020 Bears:  Winning Ugly and Winning Empty

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You have to give it to the Bears – they really know how to keep things interesting.  Even when they win, they’ll make you cringe, squirm, and even consider changing the channel before they somehow reach around and pull a W from out of their butts.  And not only did they win in week 1 for the first time in 7 years (they started 3-0 under Trestman in 2013?!), but they did it on the back of the now-redeemed Mitch “Did Someone Say The Bitch Is Back?” Trubisky.  Sure, he didn’t show up until the 4th quarter, and we were down 17 points to the only franchise that could challenge the Cubs for their “Worst Ever” crown, but those are irrelevant details compared to one undeniable fact:  every single person in the city of Chicago is smiling under their masks today.  At least, that is, until next week.

This game-winning TD pass to Anthony “Lite Beer From”
Miller was only made possible by Mitch’s earlier ineptitude

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For over a decade now, millions of fans have flocked to our blog for our pre-season predictions.  And we’ve gladly provided them, interspersed with cherry-picked stats and our brand of toilet humor.  But if 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that nobody knows what the hell’s going on, let alone what’s going to happen.  The Bears could go 16-0, or 0-16, and neither would surprise me anymore.  We’re mid-pandemic.  There are protests, riots, cities being taken over by citizens.  The canceling of pro sports games, due to both health concerns as well as player boycotts.  And worst of all, the Mask Wars.  Added to which, I’ve got one foot out the door on my beloved team.  So it’s really hard to be optimistic about anything, let alone the Bears.  But I did have high hopes last year, and we’re objectively better.  So, I’m gonna give the Bears one last chance.  But if they blow it AGAIN, I’m gonna pull a Conor McGregor and retire from them for good.  For the 3rd time.  That’s if we even make it to 2021.

Nagy:  “The 1st rule of training camp is don’t cough on me.
The 2nd rule of training camp is DON’T COUGH ON ME!”

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