Bear Down Baffa

No way that just happened.  Does anyone recall 89 points being scored in a Bears game?  EVER?!  It was like an AFC game in the 80’s, or a college game – lots of scoring, and lots of crazy plays (only no scantily-clad cheerleaders).  There were also lots of costly mistakes.  And on Sunday, most of them came at the expense of the visiting team – the one that eats purple people (and I still don’t know why they condone, carry out and celebrate such racist and cannibalistic behavior).  Minni may have scored 41 and not punted once, but 10% of their passes were caught by Bears – they turned it over with the regularity of a blackjack dealer.  And even a mediocre team (see Chicago Bears) will make you pay for that kind of tomfoolery.  (more…)

Where do you start when the story ends in tragedy?  Do you jump right into the passion and the anger?  Do you wail your cries like the sirens of an army of fire trucks?  Do you look for the light of hope in the smoldering darkness?  There are so many things wrong about losing the way we did, it’s tough to get your head around it.  But the first image that comes to mind is this: if Orton blew his wad last week, he went home with blue balls Sunday night.  (more…)

Ass whooping.  Knock-out.  Beat down.  Jolly stomp.  Fuck that brotha UP!

Ironically, these are all things that happened to me at a lesbian bar this weekend, as well as what the Bears did to the Detroit Lions in Sunday’s 34-7 shellacking.  And though they are a weak team at best at 0-4 (you can take the Lion out of Detroit, but you can’t take Detroit out of the Lion), they did sweep us in last year’s dismal season.  So we can’t help but celebrate this victory with the pride of a Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.  Or the joy of the she-men that took turns pummeling my face on Saturday night.  In my case, it’s more like you can take the skinny bitch to the fight, but you can’t take the fight to the skinny bitch – at least not when that fight involves a beer bottle and four biker chicks, two of whom have beards.  (more…)

Yes, the Bears found a way NOT to lose Sunday night, playing four quarters of NFL football like they’re expected to.  They held on to win 24-20 despite never leading by more than 7.  I got to watch it sitting in the South end zone next to some guy named Mark who was so drunk, I was embarrassed for him – yes ME, embarrassed for HIM!  He could hardly sit, stand or form words – or at least words anyone could comprehend.  I was with Chris and the Zito’s, who flew in from FloRida (BIG Bear fans) as they do every year, and a couple of nappy-headed ho Philly fans.  Well, one wasn’t a ho, but only because she married a Zito.  The front of her t-shirt read “Eagles by Blood,” and the back, “Bears by Submission.”  Pretty solid.  (more…)