Bear Down Baffa

Ass whooping.  Knock-out.  Beat down.  Jolly stomp.  Fuck that brotha UP!

Ironically, these are all things that happened to me at a lesbian bar this weekend, as well as what the Bears did to the Detroit Lions in Sunday’s 34-7 shellacking.  And though they are a weak team at best at 0-4 (you can take the Lion out of Detroit, but you can’t take Detroit out of the Lion), they did sweep us in last year’s dismal season.  So we can’t help but celebrate this victory with the pride of a Mexican on Cinco de Mayo.  Or the joy of the she-men that took turns pummeling my face on Saturday night.  In my case, it’s more like you can take the skinny bitch to the fight, but you can’t take the fight to the skinny bitch – at least not when that fight involves a beer bottle and four biker chicks, two of whom have beards. 

But regardless of how bad the Lions are, the Bears dominated this game, absolutely dominated.  And we played all aspects of the game.  The defense – even without Tommie Harris and Nate Vasher – was big and bold (and black).  They held them to 3 of 14 on 3rd down (21%), allowed only 185 yards and had 4 sacks.  Kyle “That’s Right, I Pimp Ho’s” Orton had a career day.  Seven Hester made his first start at receiver – ever in his life.  Four receivers had catches of 30+ yards, Forte scored twice, Brad Maynard punted 5 times leaving 4 inside the 20, Robbie Gould was 4 for 4 on XP’s and 2 for 2 on FG’s, and we were up 31-0 in the 3rd quarter.  That’s a solid team effort.  The only points Detroit (sucks!) scored was after a fumbled punt on our 22 yd line, essentially giving them a 44 yard play on 4th down, by far their longest of the day.  It would have been nice to pitch a shutout, but we can’t be disappointed with their performance, all things considered.

Time Management
The Bears are winning for many reasons, but one of them has to be their management of the ball and the clock.  That is what they mean when they talk about Orton managing the game, which has become inversely proportional to how he manages his facial hair.  We had possession of the ball exactly 20 minutes in the first half, and 18:15 in the second.  That’s almost 40 minutes, or 64% of the game.  Imagine playing against a team that has the ball TWICE as much as you.  That catches up, and it could be argued that it’s both the cause and effect of both our defensive dominance and our offensive orgasm on Sunday.

Reportin and Retortin on Orton
The Ortonian wonder was 24 of 34 (70.6%) for 334 yards (13.9 avg) with 2 TD’s, 0 INT’s, 0 fumbles and a QBR of 121.4.  That’s almost twice as high as his season avg!  He spread the ball out to seven different receivers, averaging 9.8 yards per attempt – not per completion, per attempt.  Just to give you an idea of how good that is, it’s a virtual first down EVERY TIME HE THROWS THE BALL.  His career avg is only 5.7.  Peyton Manning, Bret Farveruh and Tom Brady are in the 7’s over their careers.  And in Brady’s phenomenal season last year, he averaged an 8, and only topped Orton 3 times.  So the kind of day he had is actually the day we’ve been waiting for him to have – to show he can really play in the NFL.  Is he the next Manning, Farveruh, or Brady?  No, he’ll never be.  But the man and his beard are an NFL quotaback, finally.  Finally.

Recruiting Drive
So our Marketing Director has not been pleased with the size of our readership.  In addition, apparently there’s been some hate-mail from a group of Ram fans and a rival Redskin blog.  To put it bluntly, he’s considering bringing in some new talent.  So we’re gonna need to recruit some new readers or I could be Steve Jobs-ed out of my job.  We’re asking each of you to find one new Bears fan to share the blog with this week (I promise to post next week’s summary on Monday, if that’s any incentive).  But it has to be someone who hasn’t seen it yet, so dig through your address books.  It should be easier to find someone who’s interested now that we’re alone in first place, and who has the time now that there’s no more baseball.  Thanks in advance for your support.

Super Bowl, Super Beard!

© 2008

This entry was posted on Thu, Oct 9, 2008 at 10:36 pm and is filed under m) 2008 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.