Where do you start when the story ends in tragedy? Do you jump right into the passion and the anger? Do you wail your cries like the sirens of an army of fire trucks? Do you look for the light of hope in the smoldering darkness? There are so many things wrong about losing the way we did, it’s tough to get your head around it. But the first image that comes to mind is this: if Orton blew his wad last week, he went home with blue balls Sunday night.
Leave it to the Bears to discover yet another way to get caught in a bear trap. I’m not really sure what to make of the “come from behind in the last second, but not really because there were still 11 seconds left, and let them come back from behind even though they were leading the entire game” debacle. I was grateful to see our offense make the right adjustments at half-time and come out and “win” the game for us in the second half. I was thinking as we slowly crawled back into it that we looked like a composed, veteran team not getting over-anxious just because we were down. And even though we didn’t score from the goal line on 4th down – probably where we lost this game – we did manage to come back for once. That part still happened, and you can’t take that away. At the 59:49 mark, I remember thinking that we played a solid game overall. But then those final 11 seconds happened, and almost immediately I thought we played like shit.
The stats are pretty even up and down the box score. From time of possession, to third down %, to total yards, to penalties, to turn-overs, to points scored. But we got picked apart by a rookie QB, and by comparison, our newly-anointed Kyle “The King” Orton looked more like a queen in shoulder pads. But I think we can accept the game on the whole if we hang on to win. You can find a lot to celebrate because we kinda did win that game. Or at least we played like a team needed to in order to win on the road. But then we did what we do – we get off the bus running and then we fall down, managing to land with our asses on our heads. I mean, how does that even happen? Are we not prepared for that scenario? Do we not have a chapter in the playbook on finishing the game? Or do we think we’re Usain Bolt, throwing our arms up 30 M from the finish line in a 100 M sprint? You just can’t have that with a veteran team. Or a veteran coaching staff.
That brings me to my next point: I can’t say I agree with a squib kick with so little time left. I mean, if you kick it the length of the field, it’s gonna take Atlanta 11 seconds to carry the ball the length of the field, no matter how they do it. From their own 20, they would have been forced to throw a Hail Mary (and there’s a reason it’s so named) because there wouldn’t have been time to move the ball into position and kick the FG. And they proved it themselves when they only had 1 second left to kick after going just 26 yards. Kicking a touch-back would have made that a 72 yd FG. Instead we made it easy to make a mid-range throw and get out of bounds to set up a 48 yarder. Maybe a long kick-off gives Atlanta a better shot at a long return, but isn’t that what our fucking kick-off coverage is for? Let the boys play, coach! And why the hell weren’t there 3 d-backs on each sideline on that final pass play? You have 1 every 10 yards, just hanging out, chewing his nails, waiting for the ball. Maybe this Ryan kid threaded a needle, but I just don’t buy it. You’ve got to finish. That’s how you get the chicks. And it’s how you win in the NFL, which may stand for “Not for Lovie” if this guy can’t win with this talent. Come on, black Jesus!
Reportin and Retortin on Orton
The Beard got out-played by a rook. He stepped up in the second half and finished like a pro, but his overall numbers were far from the young Jedi Matt Ryan, or as I like to call him, The White Mike Vick®. Though they both threw 1 TD and neither threw an INT, Orton’s completion % was a lot lower (73 – 60), his QBR wasn’t even close (116 – 88) and his Yards/Attempt were back to his mere 6.7 versus Ryan’s Bo Derek-esque 10.0. I think it’s time we trimmed the pride of Purdue’s pubic-looking growth into a George Michael 5 o’clock shadow. I’m not saying he’s got to wave his wand under a stall in a rest area men’s room, but maybe we get this kid a headband that reads “McMahon.” Or a Harley.
Doubt-look
One thing’s for sure: we can’t handle the truth in the NFC South. Panthers, Buccaneers and Falcons can apparently beat up Bears now. But if you’re a Colt, an Eagle or a Lion, we’ve got your number. Lord knows what playing another human form in the Viking will bring, but All Day Peterson is bringing his purple socks to town as we begin our first 3-game homestand sandwiched around a bye. And since we don’t travel again until we start our 3-game road trip Nov. 16, we had better be 6-3 by then. At least then it won’t be so bad if we come home for our second 3-game homestand at 6-6.
Jerry’s GQ
You’ve probably seen Jerry Azumah’s weekly Comcast bit where he rewards the best-dressed player for the day. Dusty Dvoracek won this week, though he looked like a sweaty Chris Farley with an Ortonian beard dressed for his next bit about a grizzly biker who looks about as bad as he is uncomfortable in a suit. Not that we’re against the gays or fashionista, but I think it’s time we lose the JGQ. Sure, it shows that these players are people too. But it’s awful stupid talking about coordinating your stripes and sunglasses, or the size of the knot in your tie, when you just blew a game and sucker-punched millions of Super Fans. Maybe they call it Jerry’s Kids and he rewards the best “Special” Teams play of the game. Or even better, Jerry’s Super Bowl, and he shows the players that blew assignments scrubbing toilets in Miss Jackson’s wardrobe-malfunctioning dance outfits. Maybe they’ll think twice about pulling a Frank Costanza again and stopping short.
Super Bowl, Super Nuthin!
© 2008
Bear Down Baffa 
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