Bear Down Baffa

It’s been quite a run in Detroit of  late – and quite the opposite in Chitown.  The White Sax finished 16 games behind the Tigers, the Chubbies had 24 more losses, the Black Hawks finished 3.5 games behind the Red Wings, and now the Bears are 3 games behind the Lions in Roctober.  We did tie in convicted elected officials, but I don’t think that – or even the Bulls finishing 32 games ahead of the Pistons – really does much to cancel it out.  But hey, at least you can still buy a crackhouse in Detroit for less than the price of a bag of crack!

Apparently Detroit no longer sucks – We do

The Swami Still Sucks
Now I dislike Chris Berman and his played out colloquialisms as much as anybody with good taste, so I’m not one to give that dicksmack props.  But he predicted Detroit would win 27-14, adding, “Careful Chicago, it could get out of hand.”  When I heard this I paused my DVR, walked over to my flatscreen TV and wiped my nutsack on his frozen face.  But when the dust cleared, that tired old bitch was pretty close (24-13).

Offensively Offensive
Offensively it didn’t start well and it didn’t end well – and the middle wasn’t all that good either.  We had False Start penalties on our first, third and fourth plays, and finished our first drive with -6 yards.  And the penalties kept piling up from there.  We finished with 14 for 104 yards, and the only reason the score was remotely close was because Detroit had 12 of their own for 94 yards.

Lion HC Schwartz sending “penalty vibe” to Bears sideline

It was on our second drive that Detroit began drinking the penalty potion.  Our 1st first down was due to a Facemask penalty (which came on a sack), and our 2nd came on a Pass Interference call (which was challenged and overturned).  So our “actual” 2nd first down came on the next play, via a Hands to the Face penalty (on an incompletion).  And after an Encroachment call on the next play (which didn’t lead to a first down because it came before the snap on a 1st down), our third was on the following play thanks to a Roughing the Passer penalty (which was also on an incompletion).  But all that didn’t help much.

Cutler (again) spent inordinate amount of time on turf

We actually earned our 4th first down 2 plays later (on a Forte run), but came up short on the subsequent 4th-and-1 from the Lion 25.  Lovie challenged the spot, which he lost, costing us our third timeout before the first quarter even ended.  So after 11 plays and 62 yards (aided by 5 penalties for 44), we walked away with nothing.  Why not settle for a FG, put points on the board and quiet the crowd?  I’ll tell you why:  Lovie Smith.  He and Martz running the show is like Hitler and Netanyahu playing golf.  When asked about the noise, he said, “Guys, what’s the answer you’re looking for?  I mean, believe me, if we had that, we would’ve told the players not to do it.”  Really?  Considering you’re the head fucking coach (lowercase used intentionally), shouldn’t you have SOME answer for why we couldn’t even hike the football?  Even girls can do that!

Lovie limbering up to make a plethora of bad decisions

Our next two drives were balanced attacks that led to a FG and a TD – neither of which was assisted by Detroit penalties – giving us the lead at the half.  But the second half started with 4 punts (3 on 3-and-outs totaling -11 yards) and a *meaningless FG with 4 minutes left (* it was meaningless because it didn’t give us a double-digit lead with time expiring – the only way we could have won this game).

Bear TE’s take part in nipple-rubbing ritual to help prevent false starts

With a total of 9 False Starts, we now lead the NFL with 17 (Seahawks have 12, Pack and 9ers each have 10).  And after allowing 3 sacks (not to mention the 416 times Cutler had to clean himself off the carpet), we’re also tied for the NFL lead in that category (18).  TE Kellen Davis had 3 catches for 25 yards and a TD, but he had 2 False Starts in the first quarter alone, numerous missed blocking assignments, and Cutler had to move him into position on at least 3 occasions.  This retard must be spending time with Hester.

Davis catching TD on one of few plays he didn’t jump offsides

Forte had 116 yards on 22 carries (5.3/run), but this was the first time we’ve lost when he went over 100 (his 10th time).  And Cutler actually played very well.  He avoided incessant pressure and made plays out of nothing, spreading it out to 10 different receivers (his most as a Bear).  He finished 28-38 (73.6%) for 250 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT’s and a 99.6 QBR.  That’s 1 completion shy of his most as a Bear, and his most in the last 24 games.  He even threw 2 left-handed passes and one under-handed over his left shoulder.  The Butler is now 99 for 169 (59%) for 1,209 yards (7.2/attempt and 242/game), 6 TD’s, 4 INT’s and an 82.7 QBR in 5 games – all without any protection.  Cutler is not the problem, folks.  I repeat, Cutler is not the problem.

This game the Butler stood out from the rest of the Bears

Defensive Sieve
Defensively it was ugly.  Our “Cover 2” both bent AND broke (and did whatever else is worse than bending and breaking).  We allowed a 73-yd TD pass, and an 88-yard TD run – the 2nd longest run in Lions history, and the 2nd longest ever allowed by the Bears.  We also gave up a 12-yard pass to which Urlacher added 15 yards on a Helmet to Helmet penalty (and which led to an 18-yard TD on next play), and a 44-yard run that Peanut Tillman threw 15 yards onto for a Horse Collar.  We gave up almost 400 yards (we’ve yet to allow fewer than 386 yards this year), including 174 in the 3rd quarter, and an average of 8.4 per play.  Sounds more like “Cover None” to me.

Megatron showing Meriweather how many wins Lions have (5)

Stafford was decent, finishing 19-26 (73%), 219 yards, 2 TD’s, 1 INT, 107.7, and Calvin “Megatron” Johnson had 5 catches for 130 yards and a TD.  But Detroit’s 2010 first-round pick Jahvid “Last Name Ever, First Name” Best ran for more than 100 yards for the first time in 21 career games, gaining 163 on only 12 carries (13.6/run).  Add him to the endless list of players who’ve had break-out games on National TV against the Bears.

Best having best game of his career

Chris Harris returned after missing 3 games with a hamstring, and got burnt like a ham strung over a fire pit by an Ambien-addicted narcoleptic pyromaniac – in hell.  On losing, he had this gem to offer, perhaps channeling Bon Jovi’s Bad Medicine: “It’s becoming a disease right now, and we need to find a doctor and get a cure for it.”  Hey, I’ve got a cure – how about you stop sucking?

Harris getting rolled up like a joint and smoked

We did save at least 3 points by stopping Detroit on a last-minute first half drive when DJ Moore picked one off at our 38.  This was, of course, immediately moved back to our 23 after an Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalty.  But we’ve now given up 2,098 yards – the most ever after 5 games in franchise history.  Urlacher was his typically sarcastic self.  When asked if he knew what happened on the long run, he excitedly replied, “Yeah, the QB took the snap, and he handed it off to the guy, and then he ran 88 yards without getting touched.”  Then he succinctly summed up his squad’s play with, “Defensively we stink.”

You go high, I’ll go low…wait, where’d he go?  Where’d WHO go?!

Special Teams
Robbie “I’m One of the Most Accurate Kickers in NFL History” Gould (in case you haven’t heard every announcer say this before every kick he’s ever made) hit 2 FG’s from outside 40 (44 and 49).  And we did average 11+ yards more per punt and 10+ more yards per return.  But field position wasn’t an advantage, as we never started outside our 25, and Detroit only started inside their 20 once.  And Devin “I’m Not the Sharpest Card in a Box of Rocks” Hester returned one kickoff by running out of bounds at our 7 without a Lion any closer to him than a bag of common sense.

Fan explaining how hard it is to be blue in America to the wrong people

Overall
We actually won Time of Possession 39-21 minutes.  That’s twice as much time with the ball, but Detroit was way more efficient.  We were out-gained 395-359 yards on 19 fewer plays (66-47), giving up 3 more yards per play.  This was the fifth time we were out-gained this year, but it was only the second time we were out-gained by fewer than 100 yards.  Woo-hoo!

Sibling Rivalry
So much for Favre leaving our division.  It’s as tough as any year he sexted in the NFC North.  The Bears had beaten the Lions 6 straight.  And from Week 10 of 2007 til Week 13 of 2010, the Lions went 5-47.  That’s the most losses in any 52-game span in NFL history, including losing 19 straight division games.  But since then, they’re 9-0, winning their last 4 last year (after a Week 13 loss to the Bears) and starting this season 5-0 (for first time since 1956).  They remain the only undefeated team in the NFL – that is, other than 5-0 GB, who also happens to pack fudge in our division.

Apparently winning causes “bromances” galore in Motor City

Making things even worse, the Pack won their final 6 last year (including 2 against the Bears), giving them 11 in a row – and 16 of their last 19.  The last time they lost was Week 15 when they were without Rodgers in New England, and the week before when they lost in Detroit (as the Lions started their streak) when Rodgers got hurt and didn’t play the second half.  In fact, GB hasn’t lost by more than 4 points since Week 9 of 2009, going 26-8 since (.764).  And those 8 losses were by an average of less than 4 points, including 2 losses in OT.  Yikes.

Doubtlook
We’re 3 games behind 2 teams after 5 weeks.  That is not good in any way, shape or form.  But we do trail the only 2 undefeated teams in the NFL, and we’re technically only 1 game behind 2 teams for the second Wild Card.  But we do have to face both Detroit and GB again.  At least we have ’85.  Man, that was a sweet season!

’85 Bears finally get their due – from a President who actually recognizes greatness

The old gray Bears just ain’t what they used to be…

© 2011

This entry was posted on Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 3:31 pm and is filed under j) 2011 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.