It’s 2012, but in an effort to keep the game fair, Lovie brought the 2011 Bears to Lambeau Field on Thursday night. He even brought Mike “My Way Or The Highway – I Guess You’re Taking the Highway” Martz in to run the greatest offensive scheme in history without any of the pieces necessary to run it. And the plan backfired, as the results were about the same as the second half of last season. I wonder if Todd “Tom” Collins is available.
The PA just announced free cheese would be given to all attendees
Yes, it was as if we took a Delorean back in time, as the Bears were unable to block, throw or catch. And we were out-coached, and failed to take advantage of any of the opportunities that fell in our lap – or in our hands. We’ve now lost 5 in a row to the green and gold, 5 straight in GB, and for the fifth time since Dick Clark’s corpse counted the Times Square ball down to ring in 2011. And I’m blaming it all on Obama.
Lovie couldn’t even pick his nose right in GB
Offense – If You Want to Call it That
For the second week in a row our first offensive play resulted in a sack. And by the time the cheese melted, the Butler was sacked 7 times, rushed a dozen times, and given the business 462 times. And unlike last week, he never got his head out of his ass, where it seems to be spending an awful lot of time already this year. And not only did we lose the starting QB battle, but the first TD pass of the game – and the only one until the fourth quarter – was from GB’s punter on a fake FG fliperoo.
Cutler was busier getting his ass kicked than a blind, one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest
At the half, we were out-gained 201-47 yards, with the Bears having only 7 net yards passing. We completed only 4 throws and were sacked 3 times at that point. Our 5 first half drives looked like this: 1) -1 yard, punt. 2) 1 yard, punt. 3) -5 yards, punt. 4) 10 yards on 8 plays, including 3 first downs (I didn’t know that was even possible), punt. 5) 17 yards, INT. And all that against what is not considered a highly ranked defense.
GB was ALL up in our business – ALL game long
In all we netted only 168 total yards, less than 3 per play, which is like Kyle “Who am I Playing for This Week Again?” Orton type numbers. It’s even fewer yards than our 4 games last year with Caleb “Wait Til We Get Our” Hanie’s “On You,” and the 2 with Josh “Cade McNown” McCown. McCown more than doubled that (363 yards) in GB last year on X-Mas. I wonder if HE’s still available.
Things never looked up for the Butler – or the Bears offense
Cutler finished 11-27 for 126 yards, 4.7 yards/att, 1 TD, 4 INT’s, 7 sacks and a 28.2 QBR. That’s the second worst statistical performance of his now 80-game career (he had a 7.9 in Baltimore in Dec. ’09). And it was as low as 9.5 before he threw his lone TD pass with less than 7 minutes left – and while GB was in a prevent. The Butler is now 1-6 against GB with 7 TD’s and 15 INT’s as a Bear (1-7 overall).
What a Fucking Tool!
After Matt “Being our #1 WR is My New” Forte left injured for the second time in his last 3 games, Michael “Push, Push In The” Bush was one of our few highlights, rushing for 54 yards on 14 carries. He gave us the only offensive momentum we had in the game other than Forte’s 49 yards on 4 receptions.
Tice cringes after pinching his nipples to see if he’s awake or just having a nightmare
Marshall was as quiet as a gagged mouse in a soundproof box. His first ball came 6 minutes into the second half, when he was wide open in the end zone, but he dropped it. His first catch came midway through the fourth quarter – when the game was all but over. I never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss Bernard “Somebody Call Me, I’m Available” Berrian right about now.
Marshall and Cutler couldn’t seem to find each other – even on the bench
Defense
We had 4 sacks in first half, and held GB’s offense to 9 points until the fourth quarter. We held Rodgers to his third lowest QBR (80.3) since our NFC Championship battle a year and eight months ago: 22-32, 216 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT and 5 sacks. Shea “Yes To The Dress” McClellin recorded his first tackle (finishing with 4), and his first sack (finishing with 1 ½), while Peppers had 2 sacks. Briggs led us in tackles (10) and dropped passes thrown right into his hands (1). We did get 2 takeaways, but they only led to a combined 8 yards on offense, and no points. And in our first crack at him, we allowed Cedric “I Personally Destroyed The Bears 2005-07 Seasons And Made Millions Doing It” Benson to rush for 81 yards on 20 carries. He also had 35 yards on 4 catches.
After recording half a sack, Wootten tries to give McClellin his full sack
Special Teams
Giving up a 27-yard TD on a fake FG flip pass was not only inexcusable, but devastating to the team’s psyche after what would have been holding GB to 6 points in the first half. And Devin “You Can No Longer Call Me Seven” Hester was nowhere to be seen, downing kicks in the end zone like Tebow saying the shit out of a prayer. He had just 65 yards on 4 returns despite GB putting their foot to the ball 10 times.
Bears special teams played like they rode the special bus to the game
Quotes to Note
One announcer said of Cutler: “He’s been hurried, sack, knocked around and intercepted.” The only things he left out were heckled and anally penetrated.
Brilliant reporter to the Butler: “Of all the scenarios that played out in your mind coming into this game after Sunday’s game, was this ever a thought, I mean this kind of…” Cutler cut him off and said, “Yeah, I dream about throwing 4 picks and getting sacked 7 times. No, obviously not.” As Kramer would say, “Yeh-yuh-yeh, cat fight!”
Carimi felt so at home in WI that he overtly let his gas loose on the field before kickoff
Cutler, “We’re obviously gonna go back to the drawing board and clean some stuff up.” And you’re going to need the entire offensive squad and a shitload of shovels to do so, my friend.
Urlacher: “Maybe we’re not as good as we thought we were. We got a long way’s to go. That’s obvious.” Obviously, Brian. But I think this was directed at the offense. Doh!
Summary
Thank our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ that this was only week 2, and it was on the road. There’s plenty of time to synch it up and hunker down. And with Detroit (sucks!) going to SF, we could still be tied for first place until a week from Sunday, when we host STL. But until then, I think it’s time that Bear Down Baffa Nation hibernated for a little while.
Even this bear couldn’t bare to watch us last night
BEAR DOWN! And by that I mean there’s a Bear down, call an ambulance!
© 2012
Bear Down Baffa 
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