The Bears offense rebounded from a dismal performance in Green Bay by putting together another poor performance. But just like week 1, this was at home against a AAA club, so it didn’t really matter. Did we win? Yes. Did our (not so) new offense look good? Uhm, no. Are we confident in them going forward? Absolutely not. But the defense was absolutely awesome, showing no signs of the supposed aging that analysts have claimed for what seems to be a decade. And like the “Global Warming” myth that those same analysts would have you believe, the Bears D is actually getting hotter by the week. By season’s end, the city of Chicago should expect a surplus of forest fires, some serious flooding and a few hurricanes – all named Ditka, of course. And that, my friends, will carry us to yet another Lombardi trophy.
The Bears big and bold defense is only growing bigger and bolder
Offense
Cutler started slowly for the third week in a row. He was out-played statistically by STL’s Bradford for most of the game, and didn’t pass him in QBR until the final 6 minutes. Early on, Cutler’s QBR dropped as low as 8.3 when he was 4-12 for 38 yards, 3.2 yards/attempt and a pick. And with more short drops and quicker releases, this cannot be blamed on the O-Line, which wasn’t great, but did provide better protection than they have been.
Webb to Cutler, “Say something now muthafucka, I dare you!”
But the Butler did get better, as he was 13-19 for 145 yards the rest of the way with a respectable 7.6/attempt. He finished an underwhelming 17-31 for 183 yards, 5.9/attempt, 2 sacks, 0 TD’s, 1 INT, and a 58.9 QBR. Even with a potent running game, which was only existent in the first half, that’s not going to do much against decent teams.
Marshall gave his “WTF?!” gesture before missing this pass
We netted 170 yards on 14 first downs in the first half, mostly due to an impressive running game in the first quarter and our lone TD drive in the second when Cutler started throwing better. But both of our first half scoring drives were penalty-aided. In the first quarter, Michael “No Relation to George W” Bush had 33 yards on 7 carries (4.7 per) and an 18-yard reception that was our biggest play until the 4th quarter. But he finished with only 55 yards on 18 carries (3.0 per), and 1 more catch for no gain. And the Bears had only 104 yards and 6 first downs in the second half. That’s just not gonna get ‘er done, Jay.
Bush came out strong like bull, but finished weak like pussy cat
The Best Defense is a Good Defense
Our defense was dominant. The Rams were only in Bear territory five times (they started there once, and twice they were sacked back into Ram territory before punting), and they only crossed our 30-yard line once all game. And we held STL to 2 field goals, while forcing 6 punts, a 4th down stoppage, and 2 picks – one of which Major “Pain In The Ass” Wright returned for a TD.
Wright turned his 2nd career Pick-6 celebration into an audition for DWTS
STL only had 58 total yards at halftime, and only 24 yards passing, an average of 14 ½ yards on each of their four first half drives. And 43 of those yards came on their last drive when we were in a prevent, prior to which they had -6 passing. The Rams had only three total drives over 20 yards (43, 39, 39), and finished with just 160 net yards after gaining 452 last week against WAS.
Our D-Line refuses to touch hands to avoid passing germs during celebrations
And the pass rush was stellar, recording 6 sacks and a boatload of hurries and hits. 2 of those sacks came on third downs on STL’s first two drives, and the third forced a third-and-long on their third drive, all of which led to punts. Israel “How You Like Me Now, Iraq?” Idonije had a huge game, tying his career-best with 2 ½ sacks. Tellingly, he also had that many two years ago in a win in Carolina with the same final score, 23-6.
Idonije was in STL’s backfield like Israel in the Gaza Strip (prior to their unilateral disengagement in 2005, of course)
We held Bradford to 18-35 for 152 yards (4.3/attempt), 0 TD’s, 2 INT’s and a 39.2 QBR. Stephen “Onomato” Paea, Nick “Pass That” Roach and Amobi “Wan Kenobi” Okoye all got their first sacks of the year. And Julius “Would You Like Some Freshly Ground Black” Peppers made like he had a partial orchiectomy and added a “half sack.”
Okoye tried to simultaneously rip Bradford’s head off and have sex with it
Tim “Waylon” Jennings had his third straight solid game. After being benched briefly last year, he is well on his way to a Pro Bowl season.
Jennings: “I fly on the field, and get on down.”
Special Teams
Robbie “I Tell Ya Jerry, That’s” Gould hit 3 FG’s, including a 54-yarder, and scored 11 points.
Gould talked trash to the ball, “What’s up, ball? You like that foot in your FACE?!”
Devin “Don’t Call Me Seven Until I Reach The Endzone Again” Hester is back, making a big impact on the game even though he didn’t reach the endzone. Not only did he return 6 kicks for 124 yards (a 20.1 average), but they kicked around him, giving us a field position advantage of 9 yards per drive.
Hester is primed to break one, and just missed on a few on Sunday
Adam “You Have 1 More Pod Than Me, So I Have 1” Podlesh only had to punt four times, but got two down inside the 20.
Podlesh tried to kick this one with his wenus
Your Lovie’s Got Me Lookin’ So Crazy Right Now
We should have held STL to 3 points, but Lovie once again tried to use some strategery. On fourth-and-10 from our 37, with time expiring in the first half, STL decided to punt. But Lovie “No One Has Ever Mistaken Me For Einstein” Smith called a timeout, during which the wind changed direction. So STL decided to kick a 56-yard field goal, which they made. Lovie says he called the TO so we could see what STL was doing and get the proper personnel on the field. Really, Lovie? Here’s a tip: if the kicker and holder run onto the field, they’re trying a field goal, and if the QB stays on, they’re not.
Lovie does the Macarena as he limbers up for more bone-headed decisions
Outlook
Green Bay lost on Monday night due to a preposterous call (which couldn’t have happened to a better team), and Detroit (sucks) lost (and Stafford got hurt again, which could be super duper for us!). And even though Minni won, putting us in a tie with them for first place, they beat SF, which could help us with playoff seeding. But for any of that to matter, we need the Butler to get better soon – both mentally and physically.
Does this look like a guy who’s ready to win a Super Bowl to you?
Quotes to Note
Bush: “It was kinda ugly but, you know, I got it done.” He said something else after that, but there wasn’t a translator so I didn’t understand it.
Cutler: “We’re not going to come out every game and blow the doors off offensively and defensively. This is what is going to be more likely week in and week out.” Actually, Jay, the defense did come out and blows doors. They have every game week so far, and probably will continue to do so. So we don’t need you to blow doors, but we certainly don’t want you to blow donkeys.
Urlacher on Jennings: “He’s got to be playing better than anybody in the NFL right now.”
Okoye put himself on the map, but he also came out of the closet with this flamingly gay celebration
BEAR DOWN!
© 2012
Bear Down Baffa 
Leave a comment