So much for whiny Detroit talking smack – or being a contender. For all intents and purposes, the Bears ended the Lions’ season on Monday night, dropping them like property values in their decrepit city to 2-4. And after their flash in the pan season last year, we shoved them back down to “Detroit sucks!” classification.
Game #165 was yet another Bear win in what really can’t be considered a “rivalry”
Don’t look now, but the Bears have won 4 in a row, have the 3rd best record in the NFL, and sit alone in first place at 5-1. We’re now 10-1 in Cutler’s last 11 starts. And if you listen closely, you can probably hear an ’85 chart topping rap hit playing in local churches and strip clubs alike.
Our D is so f-ing good, it can be counted as 2 separate phases
Offense Mediocre (Yawn)
We started off uncharacteristically strong. We marched 59 yards and put the biscuit in the basket on our first drive for the first time this year. And then we kicked a FG on our third drive, giving us a 10-point lead before the first quarter ended. But then we cooled off, punting on 7 of our last 9 drives. Even with our dominating defense, we were out-gained by 44 total yards and a yard and a half per play.
The Butler whispers to his line, “Detroit sucks”
Cutler was sacked 5 times, including getting his bell rung and his ribs cracked by Ndamukong “Cheapshot Artist” Suh late in the first half. But after coming out temporarily, he returned to loud cheers. Anyone still questioning Cutler’s toughness can now officially be called a ruhtard.
Cutler was body slammed with Suh’s 300+ pounds landing on top of him
Though the Butler was hurt, his numbers before and after his injury were almost identical. He was 9-17 for 73 yards in the first half, and 7-16 for 77 yards in the second. He finished an “Eh” 16-31 (51.6%) for 150 yards, 4.8/attempt, 1 TD, 0 INT’s and a 76.0 QBR. But we ran the ball well, ran the clock down, and didn’t turn it over once. And with our defense, that’s gonna get ‘er done 10 times out of 11.
It initially looked like a head injury, but Cutler only hurt his ribs and had the wind knocked out of him
Matt “Being Good Again Is My” Forte had 96 yards on 22 carries, including a big 39-yard scamper on our first scoring drive. And we had a combined 171 yards on the ground with Michael “Show Me Your” Bush gaining 36 yards on 6 runs, and the Butler picking up 34 big yards on 3 scrambles.
Bush’s got some ups!
Brandon “Thurgood” Marshall is proving to be as good as billed. He looks smaller than he really is because he’s so mobile, and he catches everything thrown in his general direction. He finished with 6 catches for 81 yards and a TD, giving him 41 receptions (ranked 7th) for 577 yards (tied for 7th) and 4 TD’s (tied for 11th) on the season. And we’ve played a game less than half of the league.
Like White Goodman (Dodgeball), Marshall bleeds his own blood
Defense Dominant (Yawn)
We shut down the NFL’s second rated passing game – and that’s with us having an early lead and playing a loose cover-2. Detroit’s drives went like this: 1) Punt, 2) Punt, 3) Punt, 4) Punt, 5) Punt, 6) Punt, 7) Fumble, (Fumbled punt return, which doesn’t count as a drive or possession), 8) Fumble, 9) Punt, 10) Punt, 11) Int, 12) TD. Five of their first six possessions were 3-and-outs (the other was a 4-and-out), and they averaged just 5.5 yards per drive. Then when they started moving the ball, they started turning it over.
Someone asked who farted; when Urlacher smelt it, he confessed that he had, indeed, dealt it
Three of Detroit’s four longest drives (54, 79 and 85 yards) ended in turnovers in the red zone. They fumbled 6 times in all, and lost 3 of them in 3 successive possessions. And most importantly, they didn’t get on the scoreboard until the 59 1/2 minute mark. “It’s Your World And I’m Just A Squirrel Trying To Get A” Peanut Tillman had Calvin Johnson on lock down all night, holding him to just 3 catches for 34 yards – all in the second half – after he came in averaging 111 yards per game.
Peanut was all up Megatron’s ass all game
Tim “Leg-Breaker” Jennings didn’t like Nate Burleson catching the ball on his side of the field, so he broke his leg. And DJ “Demi” Moore got his second pick in his last three games. In all, we won the turnover battle 4-0.
Peanut celebrates Moore’s pick with a little SB Shuffle – 2012 style
Special Teams
We held Detroit to 7 total yards on 6 punt returns, and recovered a fumble on one of them. But we only returned 2 of the Lions’ 8 punts, and Detroit held us to 7 total yards between them. Devin “Apparently I Forgot How To Return Punts” Hester was nowhere to be seen (other than dropping passes that is). And Robbie “I Never Miss Or Have FG’s Blocked” missed a FG attempt when it was blocked.
Tice tried serenading the O-Line to inspire them to protect Cutler
In all, neither team really had a field position advantage. In 25 combined possessions, only once did either team start in the other team’s territory, with the Bears starting at the Lions’ 46 once midway through the fourth quarter.
Outlook
The Bears have now won 6 of the last 7, advancing to 9-2 on Monday night under Lovie. We host 1-5 Carolina, and then go to 3-4 Tennessee before hosting 6-1 Houston on Sunday night, and then going to 5-2 San Fran the following Monday. And then we play 4 division games in the last 6 weeks. I don’t think it’s premature to start talking about us as a possibility for the #1 seed.
Jason “Voorhees” Campbell’s backup debut was uneventful: 1-1 for 0 yards and 1 carry for 5
Quotes to Note
Cutler on the Suh tackle: “I thought I was gone, and then he got ahold of me. And from that point I knew it wasn’t going to end well.”
Cutler on his ribs during post game: “I feel alright right now…I think probably later in the week’s going to be a little bit difficult. But I’m alright right now.”
Cutler: “Dude, why is your shirt off? That’s kinda creepy.”
Brandon Marshall tweet: “A Suh. What u did to Jay wasn’t cool. Great players don’t have to do that.”
Jim Miller: “This is the number 1 defense in the NFL. They are bad to the bone, no doubt.”
These guys give a whole new meaning to the term “Pumpkin Heads”
SUPER BOWL, SUPER BEARS!
© 2012
Bear Down Baffa 
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