Bear Down Baffa

It was a Battle of the Bulge.  And by bulge I mean the bulge in the collective crotches of NFL fans across the nation.  The 7-1 Bears had a chance to stake their claim as a contender, hosting the 7-1 Texas Houstons on Sunday Night.  It was only the fifth time since the merger in 1970 that two teams with one or fewer losses met after week nine.  Adding to the hype, we celebrated Veteran’s Day while this game marked the 86th anniversary of the first Bears game at Soldierz Field.  Surprisingly, they have still played more games at that shithole Wrigley Field than at Soliderz.  But not so surprisingly, they fared as well as the losebag Cubs.

A dazed, confused and benched Cutler is no recipe for victory

The Bears had scored 236 points, the Houstons 237, ranking them 2nd and 3rd in the NFL.  The Bears had allowed 120 points (2nd), the Houstons 137 (tied for 3rd).  The Bears had the highest point differential (+116) and the Houstons the 2nd (+100).  Texas was ranked 2nd in rushing yards allowed (81.9/game), the Bears 6th (88.0).  The Bears led the league with 28 takeaways, the Houstons had the fewest turnovers (6).  And they were tied for 3rd with 25 sacks apiece, each team’s only loss was to GB, and each had only beaten one team with a winning record.  It was a “Let’s get it on” moment.

Watt and the Houstons were the better team Sunday night (*note the body language on Roberto Garza)

As usual, things didn’t start well.  Kellen “I Suck So Bad, I Just Won The Worst BJ Of The Year At The Porn Awards” Davis caught a pass and then fumbled on our 1st play of the game.  On our 7th play, Michael “I Must Have Been Thinking About Pam Grier’s 1970’s” Bush broke through on a fourth and inches, but then fumbled.

Davis waited until after he caught the ball to drop it this time

At least Cutler went 5 passes this game before throwing his first pick on our 10th play.  He then went another 6 passes before rounding out the first half with his second pick, giving us 4 turnovers on our first six drives.  Cutler got hurt, we couldn’t move the ball, we couldn’t stop the run, and in the end, the mighty Bears fell for the first time in almost two months.

Carimi loses his helmet and Bush loses the ball

Penalty Schmenalty
Cutler, whose first quarter QBR is the worst in NFL, and whose fourth quarter QBR is the best, unfortunately played the first quarter and didn’t get to see the fourth.  He was injured on an Unnecessary Roughness (helmet to helmet) penalty late in the first half.  Apparently the NFL deems a 10-yard penalty punishment enough for illegally giving a QB a concussion.  Fining or suspending the offender after the game doesn’t do anything for us in this game.  So I’m proposing a new rule.

Carimi to Cutler:  “What day is it?”  Cutler to Carimin: “Purple?”

If a defensive player gets a Late Hit or Unnecessary Roughness penalty, and the player he hit has to leave the game because of it, the injured player’s team gets to eject a player of their choosing from the offending player’s team.  Call it the Charles Martin rule, after his ’86 body slam on Jimmy Mac ended MacMahon’s season and only led to a 2-game suspension for Martin.  You can read more about it in the dictionary under the now-hyphenated word “fucking-bullshit.”

Cutler:  “My head, is it still on?”

Offense
We had 249 total net yards, 34 more than Texas, and almost a yard more per play.  And 150 of that came in the second half with Jason “I’m No Earl” Campbell running the ship.  And we allowed no sacks.  Yes, that is not a misprint: NO SACKS.  But we only put 6 points on the board.

Carimi is Private Pyle:  “I AM…in a world…of shit.”

Matt “I’m No Arian Foster” Forte had 39 yards on 16 rushes for a season-low 2.4 per carry.  Marshall had game-highs with 8 catches and 107 yards.  But the Butler finished a Hanie-esque 7 of 14 for 40 yards, 2.9/attempt, 0 TD’s, 2 INT’s, and his second worst Bears QBR of 16.7.

Marshall can’t do it alone, though he tried Sunday night

Campbell did fill in nicely in the second half.  But by nicely I mean he took absolutely no risks, and threw 3-yard passes on third and long despite having plenty of time in the pocket.  If we wanted that, we’d have re-signed Tom Collins.  Campbell did finish with the best QB numbers in the game, though, going 11 of 19 for 94 yards, 4.9/attempt, 0 TD’s, 0 INT’s and a 70.9 QBR.  But I think that occurred in spite of his play.

“Hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to a loss we go…”

Defense
Our defense is the lowest scoring offense in the NFL, but they failed to score for only the second time in our last 6 games.  We had 8 tackles for loss and only gave up 215 total net yards, but we allowed Arian “Race” Foster to go over 100 yards.

The Bears could not get ahold of Foster

We had 2 picks, both by Tim “I’m No Peanut, But If I Work Hard Enough, Maybe I Can Be An Almond” Jennings, who leads the NFL with 8, and has twice as many picks as all but one other NFL player (who has 5).  But we only had 1 sack and forced no fumbles.

Jennings won “Peanut of the Game” honors

We did limit Matt “I’m Charles” Schaub to 14 of 26 for only 95 yards passing (just 3.7/attempt), and his lowest QBR in over 4 years (42.9).  And we held Texas to 3 of 14 on third downs, and only 2 drives of 30 yards or more (41 and 66).  But the 66-yarder led to the game’s only TD.

Foster scores on a perfect pass despite Briggs being all over him

Special Teams
Though they kicked around Devin “It’s Official: I Suck” Hester, we could not take advantage of the good field position it provided.  He had a couple good returns, but also had several when he ran about 50 yards in a circle only to wind up where he started.

Urlacher couldn’t bear to watch Hester’s returns

After hitting a FG from 51 yards in the rain, Robbie “Man I Suck Major Balls” Gould missed one from 48 after the rain stopped.  This would’ve cut the lead to 1.  That’s 3 misses in the last 4 games.  I’m starting to worry about Ricky Robbie.  A key to the post season is your kicker, and this guy sucks almost as bad as Kellen “I Suck Even Worse Than Robbie Gould Right Now” Davis right now.

Podlesh to Gould:  “At least you don’t suck as bad as Davis.”

Outlook
Cutler is concussed, but I’m optimistic he’ll play next Monday night in SF, when Alex Smith also may not play due to injury.  But this was a test.  Like the show “The Biggest Loser,” the Bears were asked to step on the scale to measure how far they’d come.  And the answer is that they’ve been sneaking too many Krispy Kremes into the Halas Hall cafeteria.  And even if the Butler comes back 100%, we could be facing a tailspin and a season-ending losing streak.  Yeah, I said it.

The Ref tries to pull a Sandusky while Cutler was disoriented

But the good news is that Atlanta lost and SF tied, so we’re still tied for the third best record in the NFL at 7-2, and still have the second best record in the NFC.  And most importantly, we maintain a one game lead over GB.

Apparently the Bears didn’t get the memo from the BCBS building

Vote Early, Vote Often
Cutler’s Bears record falls to 31-19, or a winning percentage of 62%, which is the same percentage by which Obama won the electoral vote last week.  Sorry, had to mention it.

Veteran’s Day at Soldierz

Quotes to Note
Hunter Hillenmeyer on the Bears first half:  “The Bears had 99 yards and 4 turnovers in the first half.  Really tough to win a football game like that.”  Yeah, especially when your second half QB had only thrown one pass all season.

Hunter Hillenmeyer on the Bears second half:  “Jason Campbell’s still out there throwing check downs.  You gotta take a shot at some point.  You need to give yourself a chance to win the game.”

The Bears honor veterans everyday.  It’s called Soldierz Field, people.

Jim Miller:  “I don’t get it because you look at the Bears tonight and they effectively neutralize J.J. Watt.  I mean, he really wasn’t a factor in this game…But in terms of the pass rush, why are they checking it down?  There was plenty of time to look down the field, take the shots if they were there.”  Let’s hope Campbell isn’t afraid to open it up next week.

BEAR DOWN!

© 2012

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