Bear Down Baffa

Turn out the lights…the party’s over.  The day before New Year’s Eve brought the biggest hangover to Bears Fan nation on Sunday.  How about that for irony?  Like rain on your wedding day, a black fly in your chardonnay, or Alanis Morrissette mis-using the word ironic.  But what isn’t ironic is the Bears starting 7-1 and then choking in the second half of their season, losing 5 of their last 8, and missing the playoffs despite having the best record (10-6) for a non-playoff team.  Fuck you, 2012!

Though we won 6 more games than Detroit (sucks!),
we both finished the season upside down

I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted, but the 2012 Bears season was like a bank robbery gone awry in the movie “Point Break.”  It began with so much promise of riches and glory, but then Bodhi got greedy and went for the vault.  He crossed the line, people trusted him and they died.  And now the ride is over, and he’s gotta’ go down because Johnny Utah is an F (pause) B (pause) I (pause) agent.  In the Bears’ real life scenario, Cutler reprised Keanu Reeves’ QB punk role, and Lovie Smith played Swazye’s character.  And now Cutler, like Johnny Utah, will spend the off-season surfing, and Lovie, like Swayze, must die of pancreatic cancer.

Lovie bought a new suit for job interviews

And like Lovie’s Bears career, so must the Bear Down Baffa blog die.  Much like Lovie’s run, ending without a playoff birth 5 of the past 6 seasons, I can’t say that the blog was all that fun while it lasted either.  It became tedious and, quite frankly, a pain in the ass – kind of like hemorrhoids.  Check that, it became exACTly like hemorrhoids.  Or herpes.  The readership hasn’t been quite what our staff had hoped, and it takes too much time to create the brilliant literary fusion each week for only 25 die hard fans.

So Lovie can smile!  I bet it’ll be his last for a while.

Much like Picasso, Frank Lloyd Wright and Kenny Loggins, where everything we touch turns to gold, or like Christopher Walken’s character Bruce Dickinson in the SNL skit “More Cowbell” (“I put my pants on one leg at a time, only once they’re on, I make gold records!”), we have become slaves to our art.  So after topping 10,000 site views this past week, we decided that we would go out on top with a Pulitzer Prize, two Nobel Prizes in Literature, and an Oscar nomination for the soon-to-be-made Bear Down Baffa Blog screenplay in tow.

Lovie is already slipping away into obscurity

Wait ‘Til Next Year
Assuming Bears management will have a busy off-season hiring a new Head Coach, as well as Cutler’s fourth Offensive Coordinator in five years with the Bears, our staff thought we would help them out for our last hurrah.  So we racked our collective brains and assembled a priority list for next season’s draft.

– Round 1: Offensive Lineman

– Round 2: Offensive Lineman

– Round 3: Offensive Lineman

– Round 4: Offensive Lineman

– Round 5: Tight End

– Round 6: Offensive Lineman

We are also recommending that they look for a few Offensive Lineman in free agency, keep the defensive squad in tact, and send Carimi back to Winsconin.

Once again Lovie was closely watched
while being escorted out by security

Quotes to Note
This chick I just met sent me a text:  “Green Bay can suck a big bag of green dicks!”  I’m guessing Clay Matthews can teach them all how.

My mom:  “The Vikings are a bunch of fucking assholes!  I hope they die in a fiery plane crash on their way to Green Bay next week!”  Moms are the best, aren’t they?

The 2012 squad forged its own destiny by losing to Minni in week 13

Lovie Smith, in his last Bears press conference, appropriately in Detroit, and apparently quoting Eminem’s final rap battle in his biographical film shot in Detroit, “8 Mile”:

“Now everybody from the 313, put your motherfucking hands up and follow me.
Everybody from the 313, put your motherfucking hands up.”
(Then after they cut the music off):
“Fuck a beat, I’ll go a cappella.
Fuck a papa doc, fuck a clock, fuck a trailer, fuck everybody.
Fuck y’all if you doubt me.
I’m a piece of fucking white trash, I say it proudly.
And fuck this battle, I don’t wanna win, I’m outty.”
(Then handing the microphone to Phil Emery:)
“Here, tell these people something they don’t know about me.”

Lovie storms out of his last press conference

We Are The Bears Shuffling Crew
Our unique, new and improved Super Bowl Shuffle Lyrics were originally the largest attraction for our fans, but they were sidelined because they ran out of gas – much like Olin Kreutz in 2009, or my jeep on my fifth date with Miss Kara.  But in the interests of nostalgia, I thought I’d bring back one final shuffle.  It is the most quoted of them all.

“I’m the punter Adam Podlesh, representin’ fourth down,
With one foot in the air, and one foot on the ground.
If the offense sucks, and they usually do,
I get my punt on with my big right shoe.
When Forte can’t run, and Cutler can’t pass,
I drop kick the ball, and then drop kick some (beep!).
Bail my teammates out of jail, and the offense out of trouble,
And I’ll get my punt on when we Supa Bow Shuffle…”

It takes more than 2 to tango in the NFL

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu
It’s been real, it’s been fun, but it ain’t been real fun.  And so in the words of Jesus, I’ll close with this:  “There is no god.”  He said it, I saw it on Wikipedia, so you know that shit is true.

No more bad timeouts, no more bad challenges,
and no more getting swept by the Pack for this guy

BEAR DOWN!

© 2012

This entry was posted on Mon, Dec 31, 2012 at 1:10 pm and is filed under i) 2012 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.