With the rain starting around 6 am, Soldierz Field was as slippery as my boy “Blue” wrestling two coeds in a tub of Santorum. And it didn’t take long for things to get crazy. Minni returned the opening kickoff for a TD. But then Devin “Ensuing Kickoff” Hester returned the ensuing kickoff 76 yards, and we tied the game 5 plays later. But that was only the beginning; this game had something for everyone. Yes, even for Syrian rebels with RPG launchers on their shoulders and a half-full cache of chemical weapons.
Martellus “Something About Yourself”
Bennett scores his second TD for the win
This circus of a game also included each of the following: a fumble returned for a TD; an INT returned for a TD; an INT by a defensive tackle in the endzone; 7 turnovers; a reversed call after a challenge on a first down spot; 2 fourth down conversions; 45 first half points followed by only 9 scored in the next 29:50; and a last-second TD with the ensuing kickoff return ball grabbed right out of the hands of the returner. And counting kickoff and punt return yardage, there were 1,167 yards gained. And if you throw in fumble and INT return yards, it was 1,272 yards.
Get some, gayboy!
Sack and Forth
Four separate times the score was tied. The teams traded 3 TD’s and then FG’s. The Butler started hot (11 of 13 for 107 yards, 2 TD’s, 0 picks and a 140.5 QBR!). But then he got sacked for the first time this season (halfway through our 6th quarter of football), fumbled and let Minni return it 61 yards for a TD. Devin “I’m Too Old To Return Kicks All The Way Anymore” Hester returned the ensuing kickoff 80 yards. Cutler’s first post-fumble pass (from Minni’s 3) was tipped, batted and picked off in the end zone. But Tim Jennings picked off Ponder on their fourth play, returning it for a pick-6. It was a crazy five minutes.
Tim “The Toolman” Jennings scored as often as Minni’s offense – once
We held All Day Peterson to 17 yards on 7 carries until their last drive of the first half, when he almost tripled that on 3 plays. In the first 27 minutes, we had out-gained them 214–84. But that drive went 65 yards for a TD. We responded by driving down to the 2 and kicking a FG to go up 24-21 at half. Peterson finished with 100 yards rushing and 107 total on 27 touches, while Forte had 161 yards on 30 touches.
Gaining more yards than Peterson may be Forte’s new forte
In the second half, Minni kicked 2 more FG’s and the Bears were on the ropes like a female porn star in a bondage scene. But not unlike a male porn star, we scored big in the end with relentless penetration, finally achieving our goal at the conclusion of the scene by “coming from behind.” We scored our only points in the second half with just 10 seconds left – a TD to win by 1. And while the final score was close, the Bears pretty much kicked the shit out of the Vikings.
Jubilation is a new look for Cutler. And I like it!
Like last week, there were two completely different halves. We doubled their yardage (277-140) and first downs (16-8) in the first half. But in the second, they out-gained us by (210-142) and out-first-downed us by 2 (10-8). But despite being out-played for stretches of the game, for the second week in a row, we scored a 4th quarter TD to come back. And for the second time in Cutler’s five seasons, we start 2-0. The last two times we started 2-0 were ’06 (when Rex took us to the Supa Bow) and ’10 (when the Butler hurt his knee in the NFC Championship game). With Detroit (sucks!) losing, we now sit alone in first place.
1 of only 8 undefeated NFL coaches – and only 3 in the NFC
Offense
We put up quite a few points and moved the ball well overall, but we hit a lull in the second half, and turned it over 4 times. The unbelievable news is that our O-Line is holding up like a mahfuckuh. And with time and protection, we should be able to keep utilizing our stockpile of weapons. Not unlike Assad in Syria.
BIG difference at Left Tackle this year with “I Bet My Rod Is Bigger Than Your Bush” Bushrod over Webb – and I’m not just talking about his nickname
Defense
We stuffed Peterson for most of the game (compared to his typical performance, that is), but allowed a terrible QB and weak offense to move the ball on long, sustained drives, and needed our offense to bail us out again. We only had one sack, but we did have 2 turnovers with Jennings reaching the endzone. And we did stuff Minni from a first and goal at our 6 at the end of the game, forcing them to settle for a FG that gave our offense a chance to win. So it’s not all bad.
We had “All Day” Peterson on lock down almost all day
Special Teams
Hester returned 5 kicks for a Bears record 249 yards, averaging just under 50 yards per return. He gave us the ball twice inside the Viking 35. And it wasn’t just the yardage, it was the momentum swing; both of his big returns (76 and 80) came after Minni TD’s.
Devin “Ensuing Kickoff” Hester was awesome,
but he needs to be “Seven” Hester again
Outlook
Reprimanded for not calling us Supa Bow champs last week (even though I did in the pre-season preview), I’m going to go ahead and address this here. With our new look offense and the capability to pull out a win late (something we’ve not seen in Chicago), we are going to be tough to beat in any week. Our first half schedule is much tougher than our second half. So staying in the hunt until mid-season is the only thing I’m asking for now. And if Hester can stop running out of gas and/or falling down, I don’t see us losing to anyone other than the top 2 or 3 teams in the NFC.
Da Bears could take down Hurricane Sandy
if she dared to show her face again this year!
Quotes to Note
Hester: “That guy took one to the house on the first play of the game. but uh, you know, before we broke the locker to head out on the field today, Coach Trestman told us that we might get punched in the face the first play of the game. He’s spoken to (unintelligible), uh. You know, he said it and he told us, you know, the great teams are the ones that know how to capitalize and bounce back.” Really? You were warned to watch out on the first play and that’s what happened?!
Fox (sucks!) fucked up the coverage of this game
worse than the Bears fucked up McClellin’s jersey!
Hester on going 2-0: “2-0 is a great start, you know, for any team.” Duh, Captain Obvious.
I don’t miss this poor excuse for an O-Lineman one bit
Marshall on the Butler: ”He’s just ice cold, man,” adding that he calls Cutler ”Mr. Fourth Quarter.” He’s as cold as ice. He’s willing to sacrifice our love.
After sucking Cutler’s dick in post game interviews,
Marshall has his sights set on sucking his own next week
Cutler: ”It’s taken everyone in that locker room (to win) two weeks in a row.” It took that AND you finally playing like we expected 4 years ago.
Cutler points to entire team and signifies 2 weeks in a row
Supa Bow, Supa Bears!
BEAR DOWN!
#WillHesterEverReachEndzoneAgain
© 2013
Bear Down Baffa 
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