Bear Down Baffa

Beat a playoff team, check.  Beat a division opponent, check.  Win on the road, check.  Overhaul O-Line, sign an offensive minded head coach from a foreign country, and let the second greatest player in franchise history retire with plenty in his tank, check.  This is the NFL’s official list of things needed to be done in order to earn a Supa Bow birth as early as week 3.  And the NFL better chickity check itself before it wrickity wrecks itself when it comes to the Monsters of the Midway.  Oh, it’s own.

James “I’m Not Neal” Anderson shows his 2013-14 Supa Bow Shuffle

This one started off looking like a blowout, with the Bears going up 21 points less than halfway through the second quarter.  And after NBC showed a stat that Pittsburgh’s largest comeback ever was 21 points and the Bears largest blown lead was 21 points, the Steelers came back and cut the lead to 4.  But the diehard fan wasn’t at all concerned, as he was actually excited that the Pitt made a game of it.  We then returned to our takeaway habit, which is much like the Catholic church’s habit of taking away the virginity of little boys.

Matt “Quietly Picking Up Yards Is My New”
Forte quietly had 20 touches for 111 yards

In the end, it did turn out to be a blowout (40-23).  The defense scored twice, which was no surprise.  The surprise of this game was that the offense scored 3 times despite only amassing 258 net yards.

This pass to “My Name Is” Earl Bennett counted for a 17-yard TD,
but it traveled about 50 yards in the air and was perfectly thrown

Our Favorite Favorite
Stunningly, no one is rating the Bears the #1 team in the NFL right now, and I think I know why.  We went to the 2011 NFC Championship game without an O-Line, without a legitimate #1 receiver and without an Offensive Coordinator that knew how to use the tools available to him or her (yes, Ron Turner has recently revealed that he does in fact have a vagina).  Even considering all that, as well as having a perennially dominant defense, overall we have fallen short of the high expectations that were set when we traded for Cutler.  And the negative presumption was justified.  But not anymore.

Bennett does his “Little Mermaid” version of the SBS

This seemingly overwhelming nationwide opinion that we are more bark than we are bite had its jersey pulled over its head last night and took a puck to the gonads.  The 2013-14 Bears have the bite of a 2,500 pound great white shark coming off a dental cleaning that could shave Ditka’s moustache clean off without touching his stogie.

Michael “I Take My Rod With A Side Of” Bush pounds it in from
behind Jermon “Michael Bush Is A Rod Short Of My” Bushrod

Offense
We were out-gained by almost 50%, allowing 486 yards.  But we were playing conservatively with a lead most of the game (too conservatively if you ask me, and you did), and 0-2 Pittsburgh was playing out of desperation.  But once the lead shrunk to 4, we got back to a more aggressive attack that proved successful.  Once again.

YOU try getting around this big, bad mammajamma!

Cutler only threw 1 TD, but he threw no picks on 30 passes.  His season QBR is 94.2 (9th best in the league), and he’s been over 90 all 3 games.  He’s thrown 6 TD’s to 3 picks, and only been sacked 3 times.  Compare that to 11 sacks last year and 14 the year before after three games, and his first-three-game average over the past 4 years (9.75 sacks), and you can’t deny the substantial offensive transformation.  The Butler’s completion percentage is 67.3, more than 10% better than his career average.  Oh, and Cutler also knocked the ever living shit out of a safety when he lowered his shoulder while racing for a first down.

Is it me or is Cutler having TOO much fun now?

Defense
Pittsburgh started slowly, and by slowly I mean as slowly as the GOP’s on-going attempted undoing of Obamacare.  We were up 17 points and had only allowed 18 yards in the first 13 minutes.  The Steelers did wind up out-gaining us in the first half by almost 50 yards (197-151), but at that point we had already gotten 2 sacks, 4 other tackles for loss and 2 turnovers – one being a pick-6 (Major “Reverend Jeremiah” Wright).

Wright daintily eases into the endzone like a
little bitch – if that little bitch just stole 6!

Pittsburgh came out and fumbled on their second play of the second half.  And then they gave up a “fumble-6” (Julius “Salt ‘N” Peppers) late, which broke the game open for a second time, giving us our second 17-point lead.  We allowed a shitload of yards, but Pitt was playing from behind the whole game.  In the end, we won the turnover battle 5-0, had 3 sacks, and scored 2 defensive TD’s.

“Getcha getcha lips wet, cuz it’s time to have Pepp”

We lost Henry “In Your Mouth Not In Your Hands I’m” Melton for the season due to an ACL tear.  I think he’s overrated and was surprised he made the Pro Bowl last year, but this will affect the pass rush that finally showed some promise this week.  It is yet to be determined if our D-Line can hold up stronger than this punk’s weak ass knee.

D.J. “Jazzy Jeff And The Fresh Prince” Williams had 2 sacks –
including this earth shaker – and a forced fumble

Special Teams
Pittsburgh only punted twice for 60 total yards because they turned the ball over every 5 minutes.  We punted 6 times for 282 yards, which was more yards than we gained offensively.  I can’t imagine that’s commonplace in a victory.  Hester was a non-factor because they routinely kicked away from him, finishing with 223 fewer return yards (26) than last week.

GM Emery to Prez Phillips; “Is that a coaster on your crotch,
or are you trying to block your bush from my rod?”

Outlook
Green Bay (1-2) scored 30 straight points, but still managed to lose to Cincy.  I’m calling them done for the year.  And Minnesota (0-3), lost to Cleveland, jamming the fork into themselves even deeper.  The only division opponent with a glimmer of a chance is Detroit (sucks!), who at 2-1 are only a game behind us.  But they’ve beaten two 0-3 teams (WAS and MIN) and lost to 1-2 AZ.  They will finally face a legit team next week – Da Bears.  After we trounce them in DET, their season will be over as well.  Of the 7 undefeated teams, we are tied for the lowest point differential (21 points).  That could mean we are out-winning our potential, but it could also mean that we always find a way to win.  And I’m going to put my money on the latter.

This fan looks solid – until you see
the embarrassment on his kid’s face

Quotes to Note
Peppers:  ”That’s what we do, we take the ball away.”  Yes, sir.  And then you put the biscuit in the basket.

Trestman & Cutler pound it out (and that was not
intended to be sexual, cuz that would be gross)

Trestman:  “The guys in the locker room are very appreciative of the win.  It was a very tough football game, all four quarters of it.  There was a lot of emotion spent, a lot of ebb and flow to it and guys feel very fortunate to have come out on top.”  Seriously?  You sound like a librarian, not a football coach.

Marshall certainly came out on bottom, but took
his public oral proficiency to a whole new level

DJ Williams on takeaways: “It’s very contagious….That’s all we preach …and not only do we preach taking the ball away but we preach scoring.  In practice, whether it’s a fumble or not, we’re scooping it (up) and we’re running (it) all the way through the end zone.”  That’s all good and well, but we only need you to take it TO the end zone, pally.

WTF is this?!

Trestman on turnovers:  “We took care of the football; that was No. 1.  We took care of it and our guys went out and got it.”

Uncanny resemblance to Lombardi – if Lombardi got AIDS

Supa Bow, Supa Bears!

BEAR DOWN!

#IsTrestmanLombardi?

© 2013

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