Hickory Dickory Dock,
Our O-Line cannot block.
Cutler sucks asses,
Earl Bennett drops passes,
And on fourth and one, Briggs jumps out of his jock.
Clever and disparaging nursery rhymes aside, the Chicago Bears’ season has taken a sharp turn for the worse. And by that I mean doctors discovered an aneurysm in its ass. Going back to last year, we’re now 3-3 at home in our last 6 games. So much for homefield advantage. The one thing you can say is that we have been consistent; consistently bad that is. If we wanted to play that way, we could’ve just stayed with Lovie. Speaking of him, I don’t think he found a new job yet. Anyone got his number?
Cutler during his typical, early fumble that leads to points
False Start, Rinse, Repeat, Lose
The Bears new formula seems to be to get off to a slow start, and then try to play catchup the rest of the game. Matt “Fumbling On Our First Play Is My New” Forte fumbled on our first play. Though Cutler recovered it, it led us to a 3-and-out. Then the Butler fumbled on the first play of our second drive with New Orleans recovering and returning it to our 6-yard line. Both of these drives only led to FG’s, but the game was pretty much over after 4 offensive plays just 10 minutes in.
Like much of our staff, the Bears seem to prefer “playing from behind”
After allowing a 72-yard TD drive and falling down 13-0 toward the end of the second quarter, we put together an 80-yard TD drive after gaining only 70 yards combined on our first five drives. But then we let the Saints drive 71 yards in less than 2 minutes and score another TD, giving them 14 points in the quarter (an improvement, as it was 13 fewer than we allowed last week) and 20 in the half. Like at a good peepshow, our second quarter is always the one that requires some cleanup.
Cutler traded nipple rubs with Brees before gametime
We finally got something going with 5 minutes left in third quarter, moving the ball 76 yards and giving us a first and goal at the Saint 4. But after we committed penalty and threw 3 incompletions, we settled for a FG – only our second score to that point. We came back with a big defensive stop on third and one with a minute and a half left in the quarter, forcing New Orleans to punt. After starting on our own 1, we drove all the way to the Saint 25, but Earl “My Hands Are As Good As 87-Year Old Tony” Bennett dropped two passes in a row, one on third down and one on fourth. A TD with a 2-point conversion would’ve made it a one score game. Instead, we gave them the ball back.
If there was any chance left at this point, Bennett
took a White Castle diarrhea dump all over it
Then after holding them with 5 minutes left, New Orleans lined up to go for it on fourth and 1 at midfield. Now, the Saints had already come out on an earlier fourth down with the only intention being to get us to jump offsides, and when we didn’t, they called a time out and then punted. So everyone in the stadium (except the chicks) knew that there was a distinct possibility they would try this again. At least everyone except for Lance “I’ve Got To Be The Dumbest Mofo On The Planet” Briggs. So this dumb motherfucker jumped offsides, giving them a first down and extending their drive.
Briggs tried the old “It’s not you, it’s me” when flagged for offsides
This let New Orleans continue their drive, run out precious moments on the clock late – when we seem to do our best work offensively – and allowed them to kick their fourth FG, putting them back up 16 points with three minutes left. We added a late TD and a 2-point conversion, but due to poor time management, ran out of time on our last drive. And Drew Brees won for the first time in Chicago in four tries, while the Saints won at Soldierz Field for the first time since 2000.
Brees tried his best Cutler impersonation –
unfortunately for us, he actually recovered the ball
Offense
We gave up 2 sacks in first quarter alone, and 3 sacks in the first 16 minutes. We only turned the ball over once, and somehow out-gained New Orleans (434-347), averaging 8.4 yards per play – our highest single game average in almost 25 years, and 3 more than the Saints (5.4). But we couldn’t get it going until it was too late, and wound up with the ball 50% fewer minutes than New Orleans. That’s going to do as much for you as Congress “negotiating” on your behalf.
Corey “Can I Get A Woot-Woot?!” Wootton also jumped offsides, 1
of our 6 penalties, which didn’t help our already incompetent offense
We converted our first third down 49 minutes earlier than last week. And Forte had 95 yards on 16 touches, almost a 6 yard per-touch average. But Brandon “We Are” Marshall was kept quiet with double teams, getting only 4 catches for 30 yards and a short TD. Fortunately for Alshon “Chaka Kahn” Jeffery, that left him wide open all(shon) day. He wound up with 10 catches for a Bears record 218 receiving yards, which was over half our total yardage.
Jeffrey was all(shon) over the field
Cutler’s numbers suggest he played well, 24/33, 358 yards, 10.8/attempt, 2 TD’s, 0 INT’s and a 128.1 QBR. But it wasn’t enough. His record coming in was 26-1 when he’s had a QBR of 100 or better. His only other 100+ loss came last year at home in December to Seattle. But he’s only crossed the 100 QBR barrier five times in the past 2+ years, which doesn’t say much for his numbers. Or his upcoming contract.
In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness, Cutler
acted like a woman while on the sidelines
Defense
Considering the amount of time they spent on the field, and the potency of the Saints attack, our defense didn’t play all that badly. We got 2 sacks early, limited them to 66 yards rushing and held Brees under 300 yards for the first time in his last 10 games. But we dropped a big goose egg in the takeaways category for the first time this year after averaging 3.5 coming in. Is it me, or is our defense missing Urlacher right about now?
Bear fans weren’t the only people looking for Urlacher on Sunday
Special Teams
The Bears played without a Special Teams crew on Sunday. Devin “Maybe I Should Have Retired Last Year After All” Hester was nowhere to be seen, only returning 3 of 11 kicks. He had one return that gave us the ball beyond our 25, and that was only at our 31. He must’ve read our blog last week when we questioned his running everything out of the endzone without reaching the 20. But the point we were making is that he should take the ball out of the endzone every chance he gets, just get past the 20.
Screw Waldo. Where’s Hester?
Doubtlook
To quote my Uncle Jerry in just about any conversation or email exchange I have with him: “Bears suck.” But at 3-2, we’re technically still tied for first place. Thank god we host the reeling 0-5 Giants on Thursday night. They’ve only gotten 7 takeaways and 5 sacks all year, while turning it over 19 times and allowing 15 sacks. And with Eli “I’m Eli-te” Manning throwing only 8 TD’s to his 12 INT’s with a season QBR of 65.8, they’ve given up 100 more points than they’ve scored. So to my Uncle Jerry, a Giants fan, I say this: “Your Giants suck. You suck. Suck it.”
Like Melton, Nate “Green Mile” Collins tore his ACL and is done for the
season (although I don’t recall Melton crying). Anybody know a DT?
Quotes to Note
Marshall on the New Orleans defense: “As far as in the back end, we knew exactly what they were gonna do.” All gay jokes aside, really? If you knew “exactly” what they were gonna do, why didn’t you score on every single drive!?
I don’t know what’s most embarrassing – that this stroke is wearing
this hat, that he asked players to sign it, or that they actually signed it
Marshall on Jeffery: “‘This guy’ had a career day, over 200 yards. It’s just awesome to see ‘this guy’ maturing right before our eyes. I’ve always said that ‘this guy’ can be one of the best that’s ever done it. He’s probably gonna shatter all the Bears records by the time he’s done.” At least “this guy” was one positive that came out of Sunday’s game.
How dumb do you think the guy who spent 2
months making this sign felt on Sunday night?
Trestman: “Let me just start by saying congratulations to the Saints. They came in here and they found a way to win a game, and they deserved to win it.” Great. You stay classy, San Diego. But how about you stick your classy in a sack, and just win coach?
If stereotypes are true, aren’t they not really stereotypes after all?
Trestman continued: “On our side of it, certainly disappointed in the way we started this game offensively and that starts with me, accountability to get our guys going and going in the right direction. The first 3 series really hurt our tempo and our rhythm, and our defense stepped up early and held the Saints to FG’s. But the residual is they were on the field too long. Because of our starts from the first 3 series, they had the ball for 34 minutes.” Actually it was 36 minutes, coach, but your math is the least of your problems now, pink slip.
Is it too early to start the countdown to Trestman’s firing?
Comcast’s Chris Boden to Jeffrey: “Is it safe to say you and Jay have reached an unprecedented comfort level here in terms of how you guys understand where each other is on the field at a particular time?” Unprecendented? Really? Are you aware of the Cutler-Marshall comfort level? Is it safe to say that you asked an unprecedentedly stupid question? Why don’t you stick to hockey, you e-tard.
If looks could talk, this one would say, “Meet me in the showers at
halftime. No seriously, I want to put another ball in your hands.”
Jeffrey when asked about raising the team to an elite level offense: “I mean uh, we just uh, come in every day and just try to just focus on the task at hand. But uh, at the same time, going on the game, we just uh, just learning, and just at the same time, just keep growing. We just making the learning process from every game, so later on, it’ll really pay off.” Wait, what?
Quick shout out to the boobies
BEAR DOWN!
#BringBackUrlacherAndLovie
© 2013
Bear Down Baffa 
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