Jay Cutler’s manpussy was penetrated on Sunday, then he limped off the field like a porn star after shooting an extended gangbang scene. And with him he carried the Bears 2013-14 season like Senator Ted Cruz taking his ball home after not getting his way. Despite Josh “Cade McNown” McCown playing extremely well – for him that is, which means he was serviceable – it is clear that our mediocre, Urlacher-less defense cannot carry us without the Butler. Now I love a good gangbang as much as the next guy, but we’ve just lost 3 out of 4 WITH Cutler. So I’ve resigned myself to a long, cold winter with little to look forward to – except maybe the Cutler gangbang DVD which is due out in December.
Cutler’s tweaked lady business will keep him sidelined at least 4 weeks
The Government Shutdown That is our Second Quarter
It should come as no surprise that we started poorly. RG3PO went 60 yards on 6 plays and put up a quick 3 points. But we came back by kicking our own FG after getting a short field, and then scoring a TD after Peanut returned a pick to the Washington 10, giving us 10 points in 61 seconds while we gave up 0 yards on Washington’s second and third drives. But then we entered the second quarter – what has become our GOP-mandated, requisite vaginal ultrasound.
Conte getting beat to his left
R2D2 finished off an 80-yard TD drive as the second quarter began, and then Cutler was pick-6’ed on the next play on a pass tipped up by Alshon “I Bump Passes To The Opposition Like They’re Volleyballs” Jeffery, giving the Skins 14 points in just 17 seconds. The Butler threw one more incompletion before going down 3 minutes later. He finished his 100th NFL start – and possibly his season – a McCown-esque 3 for 8 for 28 yards, a pick and an 8.3 QBR. Maybe he can join D-Rose in the CTC (Cho-cha Trauma Center).
Seriously guys, you can’t help him walk? Are you too busy
socializing and pointing out the girl with the big titties in the stands?!
Washington would go on to make it an even 21 points in the quarter, taking their third of six leads in the game as we headed into halftime without Cutler – or an offensive threat anywhere to be found. Here’s how our first halves compared. Total plays: Skins 42, Bears 17. Total yards: Skins 209, Bears 53. First downs: Skins 11, Bears 2. Time of possession: Skins 22 minutes, Bears 8. Perhaps the Butler getting his box banged wasn’t the worst thing that happened to us.
Conte getting beat to his right
Offense
After inheriting a 2nd and 16 when Cutler tore his labia, McCown ran for 11 yards and then threw an incompletion, forcing us to punt. But it was shockingly our last punt of the game. Hester returned Washington’s punt on their ensuing drive for a TD, and we knelt on our only other play before the half. We allowed only 2 sacks, but both were critical – the first injured the Butler’s grotch (groin/crotch) and the other came on the last play of the game when McCown failed to even throw up a Hail Mary. Because of this, McCown had to give his postgame press conference from the waiting room at the CTC.
McCown: “Come on ref, give me the call. I’ll suck your dick!”
In the second half, McCown’s drives went like this: Missed FG, TD, TD, FG, TD. Note: McCown didn’t turn the ball over once. So we did not lose this game because of him, as he was the best QB on the field (14 for 20, 204 yards, a Brady-like 10.2 yards per attempt, 1 TD, 0 INT’s, a 119.6 QBR and 33 yards on 4 carries). And it wasn’t because of Matt “Scoring Rushing TD’s In Losing Efforts Is My New” Forte, who had 3 rushing TD’s in the losing effort. No, we lost this one because of our extremely porous and incredibly pregnable defense, which allowed 3 more Skin TD’s in the second half.
Conte getting beat doing “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”
Defense
We allowed 507 yards, let the Skins go 7 for 13 on third down, and gave up almost 7 yards per play over a whopping 73 plays. We got only 1 takeaway, 1 sack and let their offense score 5 times (4 TD’s and 1 FG) despite Washington’s average starting field position being at their own 21. And we allowed RG3’sCompany to put up his best QBR of his 2-4 season (105.2). The only other team he’d beaten is 2-4 Oakland. And Chris “I Smell Like Burnt Asshair” Conte, who couldn’t cover his shadow at high noon on the Equator – even if it was sleeping – got picked apart like Sarah Palin in a fact-finding interview. Oh, and you can add Lance “Gimme Money” Briggs to our extensive list of defensive casualties.
Wootton: “How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered…”
Special Teams
We recovered a surprise onside kick, but some jack-wad jumped offsides. Really? On a kickoff?! I hope someone put some icey hot in his butthole after the game. Hester tied the all-time record with his 19th return TD, his first in 29 games. But before we re-annoint him “Seven” Hester, consider that it was the third special teams TD the Skins allowed in their last 3 games. And Robbie “Silver Medal” Gould missed his first FG of the year, from 34 yards, despite making one from 47 and one from 49.
If there was a Skins TD, Conte wasn’t far behind it
Doubtlook
We do have our bye week this week, and we don’t play again until we host GB on Monday night, 15 days from the end of this loss. So the good news is we’ll have some time to heal up. GB (4-2) won and DET (4-3) lost, so although we find ourselves in third place at 4-3, the other good news is that we are only a 1/2 game behind both of them. So we’re not out of anything yet. But until the Butler heals after his vaginal rejuvenation surgery, I’m declaring our season dead of felonious “punanial” over-penetration.
The Bears even tried out young fans at QB during halftime
Quotes to Note
CSN “Sports” Reporter Jen Lada: “45-41, couldn’t have gotten much closer.” This is why women should not cover football. Half of the other games in the NFL today ended in just that way – closer.
Notice the D broke up this play – as Conte was nowhere to be seen
RG3Some’s pre-game rah-rah: “I want you guys to listen to me. We worked hard this whole season. All this adversity we’ve been through the first couple weeks, it’s only gonna make our breakthrough feel that much better.” First of all, Mr. 3, the “whole season” is 17 weeks, and we’re only in week 7. Secondly, the “first couple weeks” ended over a month ago. And thirdly, I’m sorry but improving to 2-4 is no breakthrough.
McCown seems to have earned the support of his teammates. Not!
McCown when asked what things Jay Cutler can do that he can’t: (Pause) “Have you seen him throw?” Perfect answer – because the dropoff from Cutler to McCown is only slightly less than the dropoff from Cutler to my mom. No offense, Mom.
Bowman: “Hey Conte, would you PLEASE
cover someone already?! I’ll suck your dick!”
Jim Miller: “Once Lance went out of the game, they started gashing the Bears for those huge play-action passes. Lance Briggs was a huge loss today.” Really? You think our best defensive player, and the only guy on our current roster that has called defensive plays in the last decade, going down was huge?! Thanks, discoverer of Einsteinium.
Cutler to staff: “My ‘Michael Bush’ is killing me!”
Supa Bow, Supa No!
BEAR DOWN! No, like there’s really a Bear down on the field! Call an ambulance!
#CutlerHasAMangina
© 2013
Bear Down Baffa 
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