Bear Down Baffa

In a battle for first place with Green Bay going Rodgers-less, and Veteran’s Day celebrations in tow, the Bears blew a chance to take over control of the division.  If we wanted to get swept by Detroit (sucks!), we would have stuck with Lovie Smith and our Obama-nable O-Line.  But at least the fans got to see what a real defensive line looks like.  Unfortunately, it was on the opposing team, and it took turns taking shots at Cutler like he was a Bin Laden target at a gun range.  Ah, I remember the good old days when our defense kept us in games while our offense struggled.  Now our offense still struggles, but our defense sucks.  Hey 2014, how soon can you get here?  We’ve got crack and whores for you if you want them!

The coin toss – the final moments before we tossed our season away

After starting the season 3-0, we’ve since gone 2-4.  And for the second time in two Cutler starts, we’ve lost him due to injury.  Both times McCown has filled in as nicely as Scarlett Johansson sliding into a bikini.  He didn’t come in on Sunday until our last drive to run the 2-minute drill.  And all he did was go 6 of 9 for 62 yards and a TD (123.4 QBR), leading us on a 10-play, 74-yard scoring drive.  That’s as many TD’s as Cutler and almost twice his QBR – all on a single drive.

Cutler sneaking in a quick job search on his iPhone

But it wasn’t enough, as we couldn’t convert the 2-point conversion to send it to OT.  And now we’ve lost Peanut for the rest of the season due to a torn triceps, and Cutler is out at least a week with an ankle.  If only Conte could go down with an injury!

Stafford:  “Yeah, we’re taking over first place, suckbags!”

The New Bears – With McCown at McQB
McCutler’s vag flared up again, so McCown is taking back the helm next week.  And for the first time since we signed him, I’m actually excited Cutler’s not playing.  When McCown has played this season, we’ve out-scored our opponents 64-48.  He’s led us to 10 scores on 17 drives (58.8%) and not turned the ball over once.  In those same games when Cutler has played, we’ve been out-scored 38-23.  The Butler has led us to scores on only 5 of 15 drives (33.3%), and turned it over twice.  That’s a swing of 31 points, 25% more scoring drives and 2 turnovers.  Sure, Cutler’s tough.  But he sucks.  And this doesn’t bode well for his contract.

Cutler passed the torch to McCown during
the pre-game three-legged race activities

You Can’t Trust Trestman, Man
After making a ballsy call last week by going for it on fourth-and-an-inch from our own 32 – and succeeding – Trestman might have gotten a little too keen on his own satchel.  He tried going for it again this week on fourth-and-1 from the Detroit 27, when we could’ve/should’ve kicked a FG, and we failed.  He also kept Cutler in for 58 minutes (about 25 minutes too long) despite him being visibly immobile.  Cutler was 12 of 18 in the first half, but just 9 of 22 in the second.  And after McCown led us to a TD with 40 seconds left, Trestman called a horrible, horrible run play on our 2-point conversion attempt (which would’ve tied it up) after we hadn’t been able to run all day.  I want my Lovie back.

This is what losing looks like.  Go coach the Cubs, you jackwad!

This was Trestman’s idea of a good play with the game on the line:  Click here to see his bumblefuck call.

Cutler signals in for the Hail Mary

Offense
Cutler started off hot, walking down on our opening drive and scoring a TD less than 3 minutes in.  But after getting pummeled the rest of the game (2 sacks, 11 knockdowns), he got cold and didn’t score another TD all day.  We couldn’t block the Lion’s D-Line, we couldn’t run the ball (we gained only 38 yards on 20 carries, a 1.9 average), and most importantly we couldn’t score.

When your starting QB tries to pitch the ball back to
the center, you know it’s time to go with your backup

Defense
We allowed 145 yards rushing, including 105 on 14 carries to Bush (a 7.5 average).  We got 0 sacks, only 1 turnover (which we only converted to 3 points after returning a pick to the Lion’s 10 yard line), and allowed 368 total yards.  We did limit Smegmatron to only 6 catches for 83 yards despite his being targeted 17 times, but that’s almost twice as many yards as he had the last time we played them.  I’m betting Conte never once covered him.

Hey D-Line, take note:  THIS is what you do to QB’s and O-Lines!

Special Teams
Hester had one good return which led to the TD on our opening drive.  Gould hit two short FG’s.  And Podlesh had no punts inside the 20.  Whoopity Do.

#50 to Hester, “It works better if you stand the ball up.”

Doubtlook
It’s still early enough that we can catch Detroit (sucks!), but we have to beat them by a game now because they swept us.  The good news is that GB also lost, so we’re now tied for third in the Wild Card race with them and AZ.  The bad news is that we’re chasing Carolina and SF, who are both 6-3, and Dallas and Philly are both a game behind us at 5-5.  Oh, and we suck.  So…

Cutler impersonates a ruhtard to avoid getting hit.  Didn’t work.

Quotes to Note
Peanut, when asked what he can do to accelerate his recovery:  “Uh yeah, sit down, chill, let it heal…take a Tylenol, have a coke and a smile.  Just let it heal.”  And stay away from Cutler.

Yes, Major “League Butterfingers” Wright actually dropped this pass!

Peanut, when asked about his contract situation:  “I don’t really think about it.  I’m still under contract currently.  So, my whole view and thought process is I’m still a Bear, so…when I’m no longer a Bear, then we can talk about that… for right now, I’m still an employee of this organization.  So, no need to talk about it.”  Yeah, buddy!  Tell that cracker to get bent!

Hey Conte, what are you celebrating?  Catching a pass
thrown right to you?  And not getting into the endzone?!

Trestman on the offense:  “The basic storyline…is that we all took turns making mistakes at the wrong time.  Everybody took a turn and too many guys did that…it could’ve been physical, it could’ve been technical, it could’ve been mental, but there were too many breakdowns at the wrong time around a lot of good play…”  Yeah, and you left an injured QB in there to get his ass kicked even more.  Nice work!

Long: “It’s OK, Jay, I’ve been there too.  I mean, I 
don’t have a vagina or anything, but I’ve been there.”

Super No, Super Bears!

BEAR DOWN!

#DetroitSucks

© 2013

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