Bear Down Baffa

The Bears took advantage of another opportunity to shoot themselves in the foot on Sunday and failed to hold onto sole possession of first place after it was gifted to them mid-game.  Despite scoring at least 18 points in every game this year, we’ve allowed at least 20, and on Sunday we allowed 40 for the third time.  We’re on pace to be only the fifth team since 1970 to average both scoring and allowing more than 26 points a game for an entire season.  And for the third time in a row, we followed a win with a loss, as we fall to 3-5 in our last 8 games.  And to add insult to injury, we can’t get any of our hurt players back on the field because Obamacare is failing.

The only time the teams were evenly matched – before the snap

Coming Up “Short”
In a battle of the brothers Long, it didn’t take “long” for things to get out of hand.  2 minutes and 24 seconds to be exact.  St. Louis ran 65 yards for a TD on their third play only 90 seconds in.  We responded by committing our first of 10 penalties on the ensuing kickoff return, and on our first play, Matt “Fumbling On Our First Play Is My New” Forte coughed it up at our own 7 yard line.

Forte:  “See, what had happened was…”

On the Rams’s next play, Jon “You Know” Bostic got, you know, hurt.  He was replaced by third stringer Blake “Gorge” Constanzo, which is kind of like replacing him with the actual George Constanza.  When we would’ve otherwise stopped them on third and goal and held them to a FG, Chris “I Get Burned Like An Ant Crawling Under the Hubble Telescope” Conte got called for Pass Interference after getting burned for the 734th time this season.  St. Louis scored on the next play, giving them 14 points less than two-and-a-half minutes in.  At this point, we had given up 85 yards and gained -2.

Long to Long: “I’m telling mom!”  Long to Long:  “So, I’m telling dad!”

But the Bears slowly crawled back into it, cutting the lead to 10 at halftime.  And after a 7-minute, 14-play, 79-yard drive that gave us a fourth and goal from the 1, we went for it and failed.  Miserably.  Michael “Mission Accomplished” Bush got tackled in the backfield.  The Rams answered with a FG, putting them back up by 13.  But as the fourth quarter began, there was a flash of brilliance not seen on our side of the ball until that point, as Devin “I Get More Yardage In My Own End Zone Than I Do Outside Of It” Hester returned a punt for a TD.  But it was brought back on a penalty – our ninth.  We did eventually score a TD on the ensuing drive, but it took us 12 plays and 3 St. Louis penalties to do so.  And it took us 8 plays to put it in after a first and goal from the 1, and it killed almost seven-and-a-half minutes.  And our hopes.

Not only did Bush get hit in the bush, he was Incognito-ed afterwards

But we did close the gap again to just 6 points with 7:15 left, at just about the same time that Detroit (sucks!) lost, giving us sole possession of first place at least until the game’s conclusion.  That turned out to last only about 20 minutes.  Just like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy with his shiny new pet, as we have most of the season, we blew our chance right when we could taste it.

McCown turned the ball over for the first time in 5 games this year, and it couldn’t have happened in a worse way.  He was stripped from behind, fell into Jermon “I Can’t Tell My Bush From My Rod” Bushrod (who’d gotten beat like a crackhead caught speeding on an LA expressway), and let the defender pick up the ball and return a “fumble-6” untouched for 31 yards.  On the ensuing drive, he threw his first pick in 147 passes this year, and the game was over.  This guy hadn’t turned the ball over in over 250 snaps, and then he does it twice in 4 plays in under a minute.  Talk about going from hero to zero!

Offense
We out-gained them, had 50% more first downs and 50% more time of possession.  But unfortunately we had 50% fewer points – a third of which came from the Ram’s defense.  McCown had a career-best and Bears-record 36 completions (on 47 passes, which is 76.6% mind you) for 352 yards – his highest total yardage in 8 years.  And despite his 2 turnovers, his QBR was still 102.4.  We only allowed 1 sack, but McCown was rushed and touched throughout the day.  Matt Forte had 117 yards on 23 touches (a 5.1 average), but also contributed to our turnover total of 3.

Bloodied McCown pulled a Namath with Fisher: “I want to kiss you.”
And what’s with all the nipple rubbing going on in the NFL?

Defense
We gave up 165 yards in the first quarter alone.  We allowed a backup RB to run for over 100 yards after letting the starting RB get 87, and we gave up 258 rushing yards even though we stacked the box with 8 guys because they started a backup QB and we knew they’d be running.  We got 2 sacks but ZERO turnovers.  Shea “The Only Time I Maintain Outside Contain Is When I’m Being Blocked To The Outside” McClellin was back after missing 2 games due to injury after a career-game against GB.  And he was terrible.  But not as bad as Conte.

Conte:  always near – and responsible
for – the other team’s celebrations

Special Teams – More Like Special Olympics
Since we gave the ball away like Obama giving away free phones, Robbie Gould never even attempted a field goal, and St. Louis kicked off 9 times but only punted twice.  5 were touchbacks, and 1 punt was not returned.  On the other 5, we committed penalties on 3, costing us 88 yards and a TD.  So despite Hester gaining 90 yards on 4 kick returns (21 yards of which were inside our endzone), on 11 kick return opportunities, we had exactly 0 starts outside our 20 yard line.  F.

Hester showing his team spirit by throwing
a fit after his return was called back

Outlook
Detroit (sucks!) lost, keeping us in a tie for first place with them at 6-5.  Green Bay is right behind us (5-5-1) after tying Minnesota.  With Carolina advancing to 8-3 and Arizona moving to 7-4, the Wild Card is slowly slipping away (6-4 San Fran plays Monday night).  But our division may turn out to be a battle of attrition, so despite us sucking like a twink in a bathhouse, we’re still in it.

Ram RB’s had room all day to “Stop,
drop, shut ‘em down and open up shop”

With 4 (Urlacher, Briggs, Tillman, Melton) of our 6 (Peppers, Jennings) defensive Pro Bowlers not playing, other notable defensive inuries (D.J. Williams, Nate Collins, Stephen Paea), 2 rookies playing LB (Bostic and Greene) and a new Defensive Coordinator (Mel Tucker), you can explain our defensive slump.  Add to that 4 new O-Lineman, our starting QB being injured and having a new Head Coach and Offensive Coordinator (Aaron Kromer), you can explain us being 6-5.  In fact, we are lucky to be 6-5.  And there are only 5 NFC teams and 5 AFC teams with better records.  So it could (and should!) be much, much worse.

Cutler to Garza: “So, I hear you’re letting some
other guy slip his hands under your satchel…”

Every team gets they ass whooped once in a while by a team that they should easily beat.  And despite the Rams being only 5-6, they are an up-and-comer with a solid defense.  So don’t fret, people.  We still have plenty to be thankful for this week.  We’re still tied for first place!

Please tell me this guy isn’t taking a “selfie”

Quotes to Note
Trestman’s first comment:  “We lost as a team.  We lost in all three phases of our football.  We didn’t play well enough to win.”  OK, good start.

Who looks more like a serial killer to you?

Trestman on going for it on fourth down from the 1:  “We had the fourth and one stop…I know that 3 points seemed like a lot.  But I’m very confident that it was the right thing to do in the long run.  We were hoping that if we didn’t make it our defense would make a stop and we would be in 3-point range again.”  Really?  Even though we didn’t make it, even though St. Louis walked down from their own 5 and kicked a FG, and even though we didn’t score on our subsequent drive, you think it was the right call?!  I’m gonna start calling you “W” because you can’t admit your endless mistakes.  You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie!

Bowman doing his best impersonation of Conte

CSN “Sports” Reporter Jen Lada:  “There are lots of way you can lose games in the NFL:  You can lose the turnover battle, check.  You can do poorly in the redzone, check, they really struggled with that.  You can give up 200+ yards to the opposing team on the ground, check.  And of course these guys penalized heavily, not as badly as last week with the 13, but unofficially 10.  So, Moon (Mullen), we’ll start with the penalties.  They certainly put an emphasis on that this week.  Why did they struggle with discipline?”  Jen, you had me with your first few sarcastic sentences.  But then you ask a fellow journalist why a team committed penalties?!

We fought the Long and the Long won

McCown on feeling comfortable as a starter:  “Uhm, to be clear, I’m the backup.  And uh, and uhm, you know, I’m just playing right now.  And, uh, you know, uhm, part of the backup’s job is to feel comfortable when he has to play.  And so I definitely feel comfortable.”  And, uh, uhm, you know, apparently you don’t feel so comfortable answering questions on camera.

The Rams D had time to play “Duck, Duck,
Goose” in between all the takeaways and TD’s

Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!

BEAR DOWN!

#ConteNeedsAFireExtinguisher

© 2013

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