Bear Down Baffa

Put up or shut up.  Go big or go home.  This one’s for all the marbles.  To the victor go the spoils.  Here’s where we separate the men from the boys.  Shit or get off the pot.    There are plenty of sayings to describe what the Bears did – and did not do.  Despite their mediocrity all season, the Bears still had the chance to win their division.  And we were right there, winning with under a minute to play.  But the bottom line is we sucked.  The big one.  We’ve now lost 9 of our last 11 to GB.  And all hyperbole aside, the Bears 2013 season turned out to be the most epic failure in the history of sports.

The Pack did what we couldn’t do –
finish…the play, the game and the season.

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It was a balmy 60 degrees at game time, which set the tone for the Bears getting Sanduskied.  Only there will be no charges, no jury and no civil/monetary award.  This was possibly the worst Bears performance I’ve ever seen, although I didn’t really see much past halftime.  I instead took the time to sign myself up for health care coverage on the healthcare.gov marketplace website.  It only took about 45 minutes and I started from scratch.  I have almost the exact same coverage that I had before, get to keep my doctor and I’m saving about 44%.  Thanks Obama!

Conte was all over the field, and by all over the
field I mean on the ground after missing tackles

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“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.”  Jay “I’m The Starting QB Bitches!” Cutler, who hadn’t played in 5 weeks, and hadn’t finished a game in over 2 months, returned.  And much like Jesus (or Horus, Osiris, Krishna, Mithra, Dionysus or about 30 other “gods”), his return provided everlasting life for the Bears.  But unlike them, he brought 3 things:  his patented cannon of an arm, his propensity to force bad passes into places they don’t belong, and his willingness to put the Bears playoff hopes ahead of his children.  Yes, I’m talking to you, Robbie “My Kids Come First” Gould.

Cutler’s return brought orgasms for Bears fans – as well as himself

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It was cold.  Single digits cold.  And below zero with the wind chill.  Dallas (who borrowed Ditka for a few years after he was deemed too much Bear for Chicago) came in riding a 2-game win streak, had won 5 of their last 7, and had been tied for first place in their division on Sunday morning.  The Bears, on the other hand, had lost 2 straight, 6 out of their last 9, and 9 of their last 11 December games.  But Da Coach was back on our sideline, and he provided so much emotional heat that even Robbie “My Kid Is More Important Than The Playoffs” Gould couldn’t blow this one.

McCown, doing his take on the Supa Bow Shuffle, came
up with this spinning back kick to honor Ditka as he scored

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We had so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  Going .500 since we lost Cutler, remaining tied for first place despite a plethora of defensive injuries, and our high-powered offense from a new head coach with 9 new starters from just 2 years ago.  But that all came tumbling down just 3 days after Turkey Day at the hands of a cubs-like opponent.  The Minnesota Vikings are unique in that their starting QB is a backup.  And we knocked that suckbag out at halftime.  So technically, we faced a third stringer during the second half and OT.  But it wasn’t their QB that beat us.  We did it to ourselves.  The only thing we can hope for is that the gun the Bears have been using all year to shoot themselves in the foot is about out of bullets.

This is what a REAL kicker looks like

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