“He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.” Jay “I’m The Starting QB Bitches!” Cutler, who hadn’t played in 5 weeks, and hadn’t finished a game in over 2 months, returned. And much like Jesus (or Horus, Osiris, Krishna, Mithra, Dionysus or about 30 other “gods”), his return provided everlasting life for the Bears. But unlike them, he brought 3 things: his patented cannon of an arm, his propensity to force bad passes into places they don’t belong, and his willingness to put the Bears playoff hopes ahead of his children. Yes, I’m talking to you, Robbie “My Kids Come First” Gould.
Cutler’s return brought orgasms for Bears fans – as well as himself
Despite the idiocy of Bears fans complaining that they want to stick with McCown, the Butler showed why he’s our starting QB. With the wind at his back, he started 3 for 3, but then threw a pick in the redzone. But we can chalk that up to rust – and a Brandon “If I Ain’t Catching It, Somebody Is” Marshall deflection. He went 5 for his next 5, but then the second quarter started, we switched sides, and he was throwing into the wind. He went 0 for his next 3 and then threw a pick-6 – which was also tipped by Marshall. His QBR was just 44.3 before his last drive of the first half. But then the rust wore off.
Cutler rose to the occasion – albeit with some help from his friends
From that drive on, he went 12 of 15 (80%) for 151 yards, 10.1/attempt, 3 TD’s, and a 148.1 QBR. And in the fourth quarter, he was 5 of 7 for 71 yards, 2 TD’s and a 143.4 QBR, finishing 22 of 31 (71%) for 265 yards, 8.5/attempt, 3 TD’s, 2 INT’s and a 102.2 QBR. And our offense scored 21 points in the fourth quarter. So far this season, McCown’s fourth quarter Total QBR (which is the newer, more subjective rating with a perfect score of 100) is 88.5, which is the second highest in the NFL – second to only Cutler, whose Total QBR is 95.2. So McCown is doing well, but he’s still the second best QB on our team.
Cutler and Trest do “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to see who starts
The McCown Conundrum
Conundrum? What conundrum? There is no conundrum, people! Josh “Put Him Back Where I Belong” McCown was put back to where he belongs: holding a clipboard. Sure, he had a decent run – for a backup. Bears fans are skewed because we haven’t had a backup that could complete a pass longer than 3 yards, let alone win games, since the 197… wait, we’ve never had one. In fact, we haven’t even had a starter that could do that since Jim McMahon. And he was the first since Sid “When I Played, The Ball Was Made Of Pig Scrotom Stolen From The Sioux” Luckman, who enlisted in the Merchant Marines after his fifth season – during WWII – after revolutionizing the forward pass in the NFL.
The only Luckman pics are black and
white – and with him RUNNING the ball
So McCown’s recent “success” appears to be much greater than it really is. The guy went 3-2 against teams that are 29-32-2 (.453) against the rest of the league. And his 2 games with impressive stats were against teams with bad defenses: the Vikings and Cowboys, who rank 30th and 31st, respectively, in pass defense. And we still lost 2 of those games.
McCown to Cutler: “I told you I wanted scissors, you jerk!”
Cutler is our starter. He’s already second in most Bear career QB stats. His record as a Bear is 38-26 (.593). And when you factor in that during his 5 seasons in Chicago he’s had four different Offensive Coordinators, no premier receivers until last year, and no O-Line until this year, that’s pretty solid. He’s now 5-2 in games that he’s finished this year. And when you consider that he can throw the ball through a brick wall, spring spiderwebs from his wrist and leap tall buildings in a single bound, there is no conundrum. Debate over, my friends.
There were hugs galore for the Butler – perhaps a few too many
Offense
We amassed 440 total yards, 23 first downs, and went 9 for 14 on third down against the seventh ranked NFL defense. We did give up 2 sacks, and we committed 3 turnovers: 2 picks by Cutler (both of which were tipped) and Martellus “What You Want For Christmas” Bennett lost a fumble for the first time in his career, which was returned for a fumble-6.
Trest loving on Cutler for making him look like the genius that he is
But Matt “Running For Over 100 Yards In Three Straight Games Is My New” Forte ran for over 100 yards for the third straight game, the only NFL player to do that this season. He finished with 127 yards on 24 carries, a 5.3 average. And we put up 21 offensive points in the fourth quarter, coming back after being down for the third time, for the W.
Where is the chant of MVP for this mofo?!
Defense
We allowed 366 yards to Jason “I’m No Josh McCown” Campbell, and we got no sacks. But Zack “Peanut Who?” Bowman came up with 2 picks, one of which was his first career pick-6. He also had 2 pass deflections. And James “I’m Not Neal” Anderson had 11 solo tackles.
Bowman caught almost as many passes as Browns WR’s
We limited the Browns to 93 rushing yards, our first game keeping a RB under 100 yards in 7 games, and their leading rusher had only 38 yards. We forced them to punt 5 times, and gave up only 17 offensive points.
Conte now misses passes thrown right to him
in addition to ball carriers running right at him
Special Teams
Since punting 7 times in Minnesota’s dome, Adam “I No Longer Punt In The Cold” Podlesh has only punted 3 times the last two weeks, with 3 coming on Sunday. Devin “I’ve Been Stuck On 19 Return TD’s Since I Stopped Running Forward” Hester had 126 yards on 4 kick returns, and gave us good field position on 2 drives. But only one return, after Cleveland punted from their own endzone, led to any points. And Gould didn’t blow this one.
Culter whispers to Garza: “Tell me you like my
hands under your satchel better than McCown’s.”
Outlook
The NFC North was predicted to be close this season, but I don’t think anyone could have predicted it would be THIS close. The top 3 teams – the Bears (8-6), the Lions (7-6) and the Pack (7-6-1) – are separated by half a game. But since the Bears lost the division lead (and the tie-breaker) to Detroit (sucks!) when they beat us in Chicago on Nov. 10, we’ve gone 3-2, the Lions have gone 1-3, and GB has gone 2-3. So with this win, we moved back into single possession of first place for the first time in two and a half months – at least until about midnight EST Monday night. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
We were mathematically eliminated from the Wild Card Sunday night, so the division championship is our only ticket to the playoffs. We go to Philly on Sunday night and then host GB, who is still without Rodgers. The Lions host Baltimore tonight, NYG next week and then go to Minnesota. We’ll either have a 1 game lead or be tied with them with 2 to play on Tuesday morning. The bottom line is we need to win as many of our 2 remaining games as Detroit (sucks!) does in their 3 remaining games, starting tonight.
Nobody was happier that Cutler was back than McCown,
who knows the difference between them as well as anybody
Quotes to Note
CSN’s John Moon Mullin on Cutler’s late performance: “21 fourth quarter points didn’t happen by accident.” You are correct, sir. And Cutler starting didn’t happen by accident either.
Even Santa showed up to prove that Fox New’s
Megyn Kelly was right – he’s white after all
CSN “Sports” Reporter Jen Lada to Moon on Cutler: “Can you overstate how important it was for (Cutler) to recover from those early issues, given the fact that everyone was calling for Josh McCown’s name, everybody thought that Cutler shouldn’t have been in, and by everybody obviously we’re exaggerating a little, but there were certainly loud cries for that.” First of all, no one calls “for” someone’s name. And second, there are loud cries everyday. Crying loudly doesn’t make someone right, considering it’s mostly done by children when they don’t get their way. And lastly, “everybody” means every single person involved. I can name three people off the top of my head that weren’t: Cutler, Trestman and McCown. So not only are you dead wrong, but I think I’m only exaggerating a little when I say everybody thinks you’re a complete moron.
Which one of these twin Bears fans paid way too much for her ticket?
Marshall on Cutler’s first INT: “The backer kind of got underneath me a little bit, made me wide. And then the safety came down, and I didn’t get around like we worked on all week, and put Jay in a bad bind. So that’s really on me.” Uhm, you tipping the ball 15 feet in the air in the direction of the defender might also have had something to do with it.
Marshall gets the assist on the first Cutler pick
Marshall on Cutler’s second INT: “The second one, he just threw a terrible ball. So that’s on Jay (laughter). He was rusty…the guy’s been on ice for weeks now.” I guess one terrible pass a game ain’t so bad.
There’s that creepy guy again!
Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!
BEAR DOWN!
#SomeoneTakeTheMicOutOfJenLadasHand
© 2013
Bear Down Baffa 
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