Bear Down Baffa

It was a balmy 60 degrees at game time, which set the tone for the Bears getting Sanduskied.  Only there will be no charges, no jury and no civil/monetary award.  This was possibly the worst Bears performance I’ve ever seen, although I didn’t really see much past halftime.  I instead took the time to sign myself up for health care coverage on the healthcare.gov marketplace website.  It only took about 45 minutes and I started from scratch.  I have almost the exact same coverage that I had before, get to keep my doctor and I’m saving about 44%.  Thanks Obama!

Conte was all over the field, and by all over the
field I mean on the ground after missing tackles

But this game didn’t start well, it didn’t end well, and everything in between was just as bad.  We went down 14-0 before Cutler even threw a pass, were outscored 21-0 in the first quarter, and were down 24-3 at the half.  And after cutting the lead down to 33-11 with our only TD at the end of the third quarter, we let them score 21 unanswered points in the fourth while Philly ran a total of 7 plays and didn’t throw a single pass.  Thanks again, Obama!

Philly’s D treated the Bears like a kid in a Penn State lockerroom

Philly finished with exactly the same number of plays (63) as us and gained exactly twice as many yards (514 – 257).  I don’t know how we could have played any worse in any aspect of the game.  The long and the short of it is the Bears offense was as bad as our lowest rated defense.  We are officially the worst team in Chicago.  This includes the DRose-less Bulls, the White Flag SOX, and the embarrassment of an organization – if you can still call it that – called the Cubs.  It was the kind of game that forces any Bears fan to question his desire to remain a fan.  I’m actually being dead serious, there is no punchline here.

Conte did have great seats from the field, though

Offense
Don’t let the 11 points fool you – we didn’t even play that well.  We allowed 5 sacks, and though we only turned the ball over once offensively, it was a pick-6.  And if you didn’t know any better, you’d have thought last year’s O-Line was protecting Cade “I’m No Josh McCown” McNown.  We were awful in every offensive facet of the game.

Cutler even tried “Tebowing” – which should be offensive to Tebow

Defense
We gave up 514 yards and 28 first downs, and Philly wasn’t even trying in the second half.  Chris “Watching Opponents Score from the Grass Is My New Matt Forte” Conte had 10 tackles, which should tell you one thing – that Philly had a disabled child run the ball at least 10 times.  Nick “The Bears Made Me Look Like The MVP” Foles finished 21 of 25 (84.0%) for 230 yards, 9.2/ attempt, 2 TD’s, 0 INT’s and a 131.7 QBR, and he didn’t throw a pass the last 20 minutes of the game.

Conte was like a high school stoner – getting
smoked on every square inch of the field

Special Teams
Robbie “I Bet You Hate Me Even More Right Now” Gould kicked only 1 FG while the Eagle’s kicker, who also had only 1 FG, had 7 more points.  Adam “Even Our Punting Now Sucks!” Podlesh mis-kicked an early punt out of bounds that gave Philly the ball in our territory.  Devin “Fumbling Is My New Matt Forte” Hester had 143 yards on 6 kickoff returns, but he only got us past the 20 twice – once on our final drive when we were trailing by 41 points, and the other time when he fumbled on our second drive, giving Philly the ball at our 39 – and 7 quick points.

Ref to Hester: “Man, you guys are getting your asses
kicked!  It’s not even funny, but I can’t stop laughing!”

Outlook
It’s weird – things couldn’t look much worse right now, except that they couldn’t look much better either.  We showed no promise whatsoever that we could ever win another game on Sunday night, but on the other hand, both Detroit (sucks!) and GB lost, with the Lions eliminating themselves from the post season.  So while we remain in first place, we also get to host GB, after already beating them once in GB, for the division crown.

Conte went to his back quicker and more
often than a dog getting tickled on its tummy

The winner will somehow win the division and slip into the playoffs.  I know, it’s mind-bottling.  You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped like in a bottle?  It will be the first time these two teams have ever played in the final week of the season where the winner wins the division title no matter what.  And if we win and Philly loses to Dallas (who will be sans Romo), we could still, by some impossible miracle, get the #3 seed.  But even if we do, I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever that we will play with – let alone beat – anybody.  God help us.

When McCown finally came in, like most fans,
everyone was on the same page and supporting him
(*note sarcasm)

Quotes to Note
My niece Eli: “Man, Uncle Bears, your Bears fucking suck!”

DC Tucker: “Shi, man.  We’d be WAY better if it wasn’t for Conte!”
Major Wright:  “Coach, shhhh, he’s right there!”

My brother:  “Holy shit, the Bears fucking suck!”

This looks like a guy in the midst of a professional ass whoopin

My mom:  “Jesus fucking Christ, the Bears fucking suck!”

To rub it in, the Eagles even kicked extra points with both feet!

Supa Bow, Supa No!

BEAR DOWN!

#TheFuckingBearsFuckingSuck

© 2013

This entry was posted on Mon, Dec 23, 2013 at 9:11 pm and is filed under h) 2013 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.