Jay “I Just Won The Lottery” Cutler has already over-stayed his welcome in Chicago. Now that he’s making more than $1M per game, and he’s surrounded by Pro Bowlers with a QB Whisperer in his ear, there is a different standard to which he is being held. And 2 INT’s with an 86.2 QBR definitely doesn’t meet that standard. Jay, you are now 0-1 as a premier QB, and you lost at home to a shitty team with a QB who’s only thrown 12 NFL TD’s. Nice job, suckwad! I bet the guys that advised the Bears on committing that much cash to Cutler are sweating bullets tonight. And if they’re not, they should be!
Buffalo came in, held our balls and told us to cough, then snuck
out the back door with our wallets while we pulled our pants up
The Bills were 0-5 in Chicago coming in to this game, and “He Went To…” Jared Allen was 0-6 at Soldierz Field. One of those zeros was about to drop the hero. And that turned out to be the Chicago Cubs of the NFL, the Buffalo Bills. You can blame this on injuries or new players, but we just didn’t play well enough to win. And that starts at the top – from Trestman to Kromer to Cutler – and runs all the way down to the equipment managers. How do you NOT come ready to play at home on the first Sunday of the NFL season?!
You BETTER walk off the field covering your face.
Losing to the Bills at home…SHAME on you, coach!
Number Crunch
We more than doubled the Bills’ passing yardage (341-167), and had more total yards (427-360), first downs (26-16) and time of possession (34.5-30.5). But we also ran for less than half their yardage (193-86), threw more than twice as often (49-22) and turned the ball over thrice as much (3-1). Aside from the fact that one should NEVER use the word “thrice” in a sports article, the former group of achievements are typically keys to success. But unfortunately, the latter are typically keys to defeat, and they supersede the former the vast majority of the time. And they did on Sunday – they superseded the shit out of them!
Damn, Manuel told the crowd to STFU!
E.J. Manuel wasn’t spectacular or anything, but he did play pretty well for a second year guy on a perennial loser. He was as good or better than Cutler in just about every stat, giving his team 3 leads – including leading them 77 yards to score on their first OT possession. The only time Cutler put his team ahead was the first score of the game, and he failed on our final regulation drive when he had a second-and-one at the Buffalo 19 and we settled for a FG. He also failed in OT, going 1 for 3 for 3 yards. Manuel finished 16 for 22 (72.7%), 173 yds, 7.9/att, 1 TD, 1 INT, and a better-than-Cutler 91.7 QBR. And he’s backed up by Kyle “The No Longer Bearded Wonder” Orton, who we traded for Cutler. Think about that for a minute.
This “finger roll” is what you get on your home turf when you suck
Offense
Well, our offense is worse than we thought. Much, much worse. Our cache of weaponry is like Mariah Carey in her prime – we can sing in almost any octave. And we showed we can be unstoppable at times, moving the ball effortlessly on our opening TD drive, going 66 yards on 4 plays. But then on subsequent possessions, we look like a high school squad searching for answers. And as the QB goeth, so goeth the offense, right?
A special clause in his contract requires Cutler to
“pass the hat” after games to help pay his salary
Cutler started hot, and had a good amount of time overall, but he made his typical 5 or so passes that were just awful. The line did a decent job considering two starters went down, allowing just 2 sacks on 50 pass plays. The Butler finished 34 for 49 (69.4%), 349 yds, 7.1/att, 2 TD’s, 2 INT’s, and a 86.2 QBR. It’s the most passes he’s thrown as a Bear since 2009, when he threw 52. Incidentally, he threw 5 picks in that game.
“Ennie, meenie, miney, moe, throw the football to your foe…”
Martellus “Something About Yourself” Bennett, Brandon “We Are” Marshall and Matt “Catching 8 Passes Is My New” Forte each had 8 receptions, and along with Alshon “Take Me Away” Jeffery, they each had 70+ yards receiving. Forte had 169 total yards on 25 touches (a 6.8 avg). But Marshall lost a fumble and the Butler threw the 2 picks.
Marshall seems to have trouble holding onto the
ball – probably because those aren’t isotoners
Jeffery, Matt “Before I Eat A Steak, I Always Put A-1 Steak” Slauson and Roberto “The Strip” Garza all got hurt. But we’ll probably bring Eben “A Broken Clock Is Right Twice A Day” Britton back, and Brian “Cirque du Soleil” de la Puente is solid to replace Garza. And hopefully Jeffery’s fine. If not, the ship could sink quickly. Very quickly.
Slauson appeared to feel right at home, letting ’em rip at will
Defense
First of all, it’s so nice to see us have an NFL-caliber defense again. We wound up being better out of the gate than most skeptics thought, but we’re by no means great. At least not yet. Any team that starts Chris “Any Team That Starts Me Sucks!” Conte cannot possibly achieve greatness. Nor can they recruit or sign a decent Safety.
Conte, Conte, Conte
Though he did start, and he got a pick, Conte blew a critical tackle on the Bill’s game-winning drive in OT that led to the loss. And he looked a fool while doing it, getting stiff-armed twice on the same (feeble) tackle attempt, knocked on his butt and then stepped over as the rusher gained an additional 20 yards after initial contact. Buffalo might have kicked a FG on the next play regardless, but after that play, it’s hard to consider him a professional any longer.
We flew on the field, but we didn’t get on down
We were about as good against the pass as we were last year, which I think will improve as we gel. And despite giving up 193 yards rushing (85 of which came on 2 carries), we were tougher against the run than we were last season. We did hold them to 6 points in the final 40 minutes of the game, and it was tied for most of that. Willie “And Waylon And The Boys” Young got our lone sack, as Jared Allen and Lamarr Houston “We Have A Problem” were kept relatively quiet with one tackle each.
No matter what we did, the D came up JUST a little bit short
Special Teams
Special Teams? What Special Teams? More like Special Olympics. Except that’s offensive to the disabled. Where’s Seven Hester?
Doubtlook
GB lost (whew!), but Minni won. Detroit (sucks!) plays Monday night. While this is a home loss to open the season – and that is ALWAYS bad – our staff always tries to find the silver lining in the heaping pile of dung that is the 2014 Bears. So here goes: we did come from behind before losing it in OT, Robbie Gould didn’t blow it, and the Butler didn’t get hurt. But the realist in me quickly remembers that we travel to San Fran on Sunday night. And that, most assuredly, will not go well.
I thought we’d need more flagboys because we’d be scoring so much
(and if you read that as “fagboys,” you’re a homophobe!)
It’s Not Plagiarism If You Cite The Source (And Make Fun of Them)
Earlier this week, I read an article by Sam Householder of SB Nation in which he made “Five bold predictions” for this game. He was wrong on four of them, but the one that was accurate was bang on. So here they are, along with my commentary:
“1) Chris Conte intercepts a pass.” Good job on this one, Sammy! But wrong about him being able to avoid getting knocked backwards 20 yards on his ass when trying to push a guy out of bounds that was already headed out of bounds.
“2) Jay Cutler will throw for 350+ yards.” Despite it going to OT, he came up short (albeit by 1 yard). Ha-ha, you dumbass!
“3) The first TD of the Bears’ season will be scored by Cutler…on the ground.” Wrong again, Sambo!
“4) The Bears secondary will get burned by Sammy Watkins.” Nope, 3 catches for 31 yards is no burn. In fact, it’s not even warm. But how “bold” is this prediction, really? The #4 overall draft pick is going to do his job against the league’s worst defense last year? Way to go out on a limb there, Mrs. Householder!
“5) Bears win by two touchdowns – the Bears take care of the Bills handily on Sunday and the lakefront is rocking as the Bears cruise to a 35-20 win.” Maybe you should take some tips from Comcast’s Jen “I Am To Sportscasting What Conte Is To Football” Lada. In the words of John Bender, “Not even close, bud!”
Quotes to Note
Cutler when asked if he considered running on the third-and-one when he threw the second pick across the field: “Obviously not.” What a prick.
Jared Allen on what happened: “It all stars with the run game. I know this league is about sacks and rushing the QB, but you do not win unless you stop the run, and you don’t get chances to rush the QB unless you stop the run.” Great point. So if you know that, WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP THE RUN?!
Hey, I can see my apartment from here!
Allen on discipline issues: “You gotta do your job…we got to play our fits. Bottom line, guys gotta make plays…If we stop the run today, it’s a totally different game.” So do the guys have to do their job, play their fits, make plays, or stop the run, Jared?
Allen on the game being close: “I didn’t envision this outcome at all, to be honest with you. Even at the half, we knew what happened on the one big run, and you clean it up and you go. And you do something in the second half, and what did we score, 10 unanswered? And we’re playing pretty good ball. And we get to OT and we got a chance to win the game. And good defenses have to take it upon themselves and win the game.” Hence why I said we are not a great defense yet.
Trestman: “Jay, try throwing the ball to OUR guys from now on.”
Conte when asked what the defense needs to do to improve: “We just got to play better. Uuhm, I think as a group. I think we know we can play better. And uh, just want to go back on, uh…this week we just gotta come out and just play better.” Hey, at least he’s articulate.
Conte when asked if the rotation worked out with the other safeties: “Yeah.” Really, Chris? Conte Conte, what the fuck, look at the scoreboard, you guys suck!
For Your FYI: September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month
Supa Bow, Supa NO!
BEAR DOWN!
#TradeCutler
© 2014
Bear Down Baffa 
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