It was a battle of 2-3 teams, both clinging to dwindling hopes for their seasons, and both coming off back-to-back losses. One was going home a loser for the third straight week, and most likely carrying its season in an urn. The Falcons came in 2-0 at home where they had averaged 46 points. And while we had only allowed an average of 23 in three road games, that was with at least one of our four best linebackers – all of whom were spectators on Sunday. But none of that mattered because the Bears came correct, providing a full service effort that covered every base – like a bottom bitch servicing her pimp the day he gets out of the joint. And on Sunday, Bear Nation, that pimp was you!
Josh “Nice To Meet You, Mr. Cutler” Morgan’s 1st Bear TD
No, neither the offense or defense was perfect, but both were pretty solid. And both got better as the game went on, eventually making the adjustments (like the White House fence jumper) to get where we needed to go. And most importantly, we produced results on both sides of the ball. You throw in a much-improved Special Teams unit, and this is a complete and indisputable victory. And that has left Bear Nation feeling, well, if nothing else, confused?
Like when my aunt dropped a penny at the Baffa Reunion last year
First of all, what’s with the inconsistency? It’s the only area where we’re consistent. Secondly, why are we losing games we should be winning, and winning games we should be losing? Third, how does the Butler do so much wrong one game, and so much right the next? And lastly, will the real 2014 Chicago Bears please stand up? There’s an Eminem line in there somewhere…
I’m fairly certain this constitutes Aggravated Assault under GA law
But while we don’t come home losers, we don’t come home winners either. The team plane touches down just like everybody watching on TV – with the same number of losses as wins. But when you’re season is in quicksand, you’ve got to get to dry land safely first before you can grill up a steak. So whatever the answers to my questions above, I don’t need to hear them today. Or tomorrow. Or even this week. As long as we show up this Sunday, fellas!
Hey Jared, how many sacks you got this year?
Game On
It was weird rooting against Sevin Hester, considering he’s not only the greatest kick returner ever, he also has a special place in the heart of every Bears fan. But it was nice to be on the other team when he returned kickoffs from deep (deep!) in the end zone while failing to reach the 20. Or when he ran side to side, then backwards, and then got tackled 10 yards behind where he caught the ball. Oh, Sevin, you’re incorrigible.
Hester’s impact was emotional at best in his 1st game as an opponent
We started three new LB’s: Khaseem “Ya Know What I Mean Joe” Greene, Darryl “I Can Call You Betty, And Betty When You Call Me You Can Call Me Al” Sharpton, and rookie Christian “Mingle.com” Jones. But they all jumped in head first and got ‘er done. In fact, the linebacking play actually seemed to improve (don’t tell Lance “Whiny Bitch” Briggs I said that, or that I just called him a whiny bitch). Perhaps it’s because we had Willie “I’m As Good As Richard ‘The Sackman’ Dent Was When He Was” Young helping out.
Willie Young flew on the field and got on down. He was also accused
of chasing Ryan through the parking lot, and following him home.
It took us a few drives to get going offensively. As per usual, we committed a penalty on our first play, and ATL put points on the board first. But once we got going, we didn’t really stop, scoring on our third, fourth and fifth drives, and taking a 13-3 halftime lead. We did give that lead up, with the Falcons scoring their only TD to open the second half, us punting, and them kicking a FG to tie it late in the third quarter. But our offense did work, scoring TD’s on our next two possessions, and our D turned up the pressure, shutting them out the rest of the way. And our running game helped us chew away the clock in between our defense getting sacks and knocking passes down until the refs stepped in and stopped it.
Allen to Ryan: “Wasn’t the movie Deliverance set in GA?”
Offense
We gained 478 total yards, went 7 of 15 on third down (including 4 of 8 in the second half), and averaged 6.9 yards a play. We did allow 3 sacks, but we dropped back over 40 times, so that’s not too shabby. And we didn’t turn the ball over. Cutler was good throughout, even taking a full body shot to his grill that knocked him on his ass and bounced his head off the ground (ironically, we scored for the first time 15 seconds later because the late hit penalty gave us a first down in FG range).
Before you feel bad for him, remember that he pays
more in taxes each week than 90% do in their lifetime
And the Butler was clutch when we needed it too, launching a 74-yard bomb two plays after ATL tied it late in the third to get us a quick lead back. And on our next possession, he led a 15-play, 87-yard, TD drive while we converted four third downs and ate up over 8 minutes. Despite throwing only 3 passes in the fourth quarter (and only throwing 1 TD despite the 27 points), he finished an efficient 26/38 (68.4%), 381 yards (10.0/att), 1 TD, 0 INT and a 109.7 QBR.
Forte’s day was one element that surprised no one
Matt “Rushing For TD’s In Pairs Is My New” Forte had 157 yards on 27 touches (a 5.8 average) and rushed for a pair of TD’s – his first and second of the year. Alshon “Na Na Na Na” Jeffery (5 catches for 136 yards) and Brandon “We Are” Marshall (6 for 113) also had big days. And Josh Morgan caught his first Bear TD after Cutler made a list, checked it twice, considered scrambling, got a haircut, changed a diaper, and then finally decided to throw to someone other than our big four.
Marshall: “You’re Morgan, right?”
Defense
In the first half, we held them to just 98 yards and 1 for 5 on third down, and we kept them out of the end zone. And then we held them to only 189 yards in the second, despite them being a passing team playing on turf against a prevent defense for the last twenty minutes. We also limited them to a Bears-season-low 13 points. And all this from a make-shift defensive crew? Fuckin’ aye!
Willie Young was here
We did only get one turnover, a new guy Demontre “Demonstrative Thirst” Hurst pick, but we did get 4 sacks. Stephen “Onomato” Paea got his fourth, “He Went To” Jared Allen got his first (and it’s about time!), and Willie Young got his league-leading sixth and seventh. Matt Ryan completed his fewest passes in 12 games, finishing 19/37 (51.4%), 271 yards (7.3/att), 1 TD, 1 INT and a 73.1 QBR.
Willie Young was there
Special Teams
Robbie “I Have No New Children To Blame The Blocked PAT On” Gould got a PAT blocked. He is one lucky mofo that it didn’t hurt us in the end.
Their kicker can say “talk to the hand” while nailing FG’s from 50+
And despite looking unprepared lately, we actually played well overall on ST’s, even keeping Hester relatively quiet.
Perhaps the reason Hester was ineffective was he
kept pitching the ball to his former teammates
Outlook
The good news is we’re back to .500, and Minni lost, so we’re out of the cellar. But the bad news is they lost to DET (sucks!), and GB beat Miami (who we now have to beat next week). So we’re chasing two teams, but we’re only a game back. And we still get to play Detroit (sucks!) twice and GB once more.
Willie Young was even on ST’s!
Quotes to Note
Subbing for CSN’s Jen Lada (who was of course running the marathon), CSN’s Kelly “I’m Worse Than Jen Lada, Which Even I Didn’t Think Was Possible” Crull when talking about our young D-Lineman: “They did all look very poised today, a lot of pressure on Matt C……So tell me…” Yep, she cut herself off mid-name and changed the subject because she doesn’t know Matt Ryan’s last name. Actually, I give her props for committing to it and just acting like there was nothing wrong with it. I bet most people didn’t even notice. But I did, and it was AWESOME! Coming to a YouTube fail compilation near you.
In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness
Kelly Crull when signing off: “The Bears pull to 3-3 with this one which is certainly something they wanted to accomplish. Chris Bowden, we’re going to send it back to you now after a victory that maybe Jen Lada is watching from her couch now.” OK, the first week we get a break from Lada, we have to get minute-by-minute updates on her day from her replacement? And it’s not even factual, it’s speculative?! First day at the new job, huh, toots? Ms. Crull, you are no Sarah Palin.
No seriously, Breast Cancer Awareness
Jared Allen on pressuring the QB and Willie Young’s 7 sacks: “Now we just gotta try to catch Willie somehow. That dude is on fire right now!” This girl is own FIYAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Willie Young was everywhere!!
Jim Miller on Cutler’s performance #1: “This one’s pretty easy because it’s a great game by Cutler because he’s mistake free. He hit the big throws that had to be hit, he managed the game throughout…taking them down to get a FG right before half time, scrambled with his feet, made plays that way. They were 47% on third down, and then you close the game out in the second half. So that’s an A+ performance by Jay Cutler.” Supportive? Yes, but…
Cutler, safe at second
Jim Miller on Cutler’s performance #2: “That is a great performance by Jay Cutler today. And guess what? That’s the standard, and that bar should be held to this standard every single week.” Both comments are accurate, but I like this one much better. He needs to be this good every week. EVERY week.
It takes a village, Jay
Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!
BEAR DOWN!
#TheBearsAreForReal?
© 2014
Bear Down Baffa 
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