Greetings, Bear Down Baffa Nation, and welcome to the shitstorm that is the 2015-16 Chicago Bears!
One of the many tasks assigned to the new Bears management team was sitting down with me to discuss our blog. And after months of negotiations, we finally agreed late last night to a one year probationary contract (terms of the deal have not been disclosed). Now if you’re an avid reader of our blog (and if you are, you’re welcome), you know that I’m a Super Fan, and like many of you, I ebb and flow with the success of the Bears. And I’m always optimistic this time of year. But you also know that I hide my feelings about as well as Mike Huckabee watching a naked Kim Davis bake a gay wedding cake. So, it pains me a great deal to have to tell you that this year will be worse than last year. Much, much worse.
Trestman showed how many games he’d win in his 2nd and final
year in Chicago (5), but we’ll miss him this year – mark my words
Season Prediction
There’s really no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it. Here are the top 14 reasons the Bears will go 2-14 this season:
1. New GM, Ryan “No, I’m Not Related To Orlando” Pace. It’s virtually impossible to transition from a shitty team to a good one in the first season with a new GM. This is still mostly Emery’s team offensively – almost everyone on that side of the ball sat with Emery when they signed their last contract.
2. New Head Coach, John “Yes, I’m In The Age Demographic That Gets My News From” Fox. We’ve seen how well new coaches work first-hand. There’s always the factor of how players follow a guy they didn’t sign up to play for, as well as how that guy leads players he didn’t pick.
This guy
3. New Defensive Scheme, the “3-4.” Experts say it takes 2 years to transition to this scheme. Since most of our players are suited to the 4-3, they may not be able to play the 3-4 because the positioning, movements, responsibilities, and size and skillset requirements change for every position. Acquiring 11+ guys suited for and experienced in this scheme can’t be done all in one season, nor can educating the ones you have to the level of comfort necessary to be successful at the NFL level. It’s one step back to take two forward, and unfortunately, this year is the one step back. One UGE step back.
Well at least it’s not THIS guy
4. Jay “The Player That Can’t Stay On The Field Formerly Known As Jeremiah” Ratliff, the only returning player with NFL experience in the 3-4, is suspended til week 4 for a DWI in Jan, 2013.
5. A key defensive acquisition, DE Ray McDonald (who played a 3-4 in SF), was cut in May due to domestic violence issues, and no one’s been signed since to replace him. That leaves new Defensive Coordinator, Vic “I Have Few Options With This Squad” Fangio, one less option.
Link to detailed 2013 breakdown of Fangio’s 3-4 scheme in San Fran
6. Brandon Marshall, a tremendous part of our offense the past 3 years (irreplaceable, even), is gone. And every other receiver we have is either injured, sucks or both.
7. With our 1st round draft pick (which we shockingly didn’t use on defense, considering #3), we selected what we thought was the best player available. And Kevin “I Ain’t Gonna Say Ain’t Just Cuz I Ain’t” White, who was supposed to replace Marshall, is already out for the year with a shin.
Marc “I Won’t Catch A Pass All Year” Mariani won’t catch a pass all
year – and not because he’s white (OK, yes, it’s because he’s white)
8. We had the worst defense in a century last year (first team since 1923 to give up 50+ in back-to-back games). You don’t come out of that rut quickly, no matter what you do. And we didn’t really do much.
9. We face GB and DET 4 times with a shitty, transitioning defense. We’ll never score enough to beat either of them.
10. We also face AZ, Seattle, San Diego and Denver. Those spreads will all be double digits. And they’ll all be covered.
We start by hosting GB on Sun, which is never a good “sign”
11. We lost Peanut – and all those takeaways. And Jennings. Briggs too, but he wasn’t any good without Urlacher (save 3 games), so he doesn’t get a separate point, even though I’m getting desperate for points. I’m kinda wishing I predicted we’d go 6-10 right now, but I just couldn’t do that cause it’s that bad, people.
12. Jimmy “The Window On My Career Is Quickly” Clausen is our backup QB. Remember the 2010 NFC Championship game? Or 2011 when Cutler got hurt in the last of a 5-game winning streak that led to a 5-game losing streak? The Bulter may not be the best answer, but he’s certainly light years ahead of Clausen. And Cutler also went down in 2013, so it only stands to reason that he’s due to get hurt again in 2015.
Don’t ask me about our “other” QB –
I didn’t even watch the pre-season
13. We face Lovie, who, in his second year with Tampa, has more control of his ship’s rudder. He will want to beat us badly, and this may be the best chance he has – when we’re so low – so they’ll be going all out.
14. We will be starting a brand new player at Center, Will “I Be Here Next Year?” Montgomery, on opening day for the first time in forever. Kreutz was there for a decade, and when he passed the torch to Garza, Garza had been a Bear for years. We will eventually transition this role to 3rd round pick, Hroniss “Wait, What Is Your Name Again?” Grasu. But this is the first new Bear snapping the rock in a while. He touches the ball first and he touches it on every play. OK, maybe this point is a stretch, but it lets me include this pic:
Rookie C Grasu is our future – but only after he learns
not to point where the play is going before each snap
The Good News
Conte is gone. That’s where the 2 wins come from.
Summary
If I’m wrong on my prediction, it will be because I predicted too many wins (like if we somehow trade for Conte). But we’ll have great draft positions in the next couple years, so the new staff can put their personnel in place with prime choices. Maybe by 2019 we’ll be solid again. Cutler will be long gone by then though, and we’ll probably be reminiscing, asking “What if?” because he was so good. But until then, brace yourselves. It’s gonna to be a bloodbath.
Coach Fox (with creepy security guy from Lovie’s tenure) –
when asked if the Bears would make the playoffs this year
BEAR DOWN?
Here’s something positive, while we’re still .500, and probably the only highlight we’ll have all season – Cutler’s impressive high school football and basketball highlight reel (b-ball starts at 4:30):
Even if he brings this kind of magic, we’ll still
lose early – and often – in Chicago this season
#2015BearsAreAShitSandwich
© 2015
Tags: Brandon Marshall, Chicago Bears, Chicago Bears 2015-16 Season, Chris Conte, Donald Trump, Hroniss Grasu, Jay Cutler, John Fox, Kevin White, Kim Davis, Lovie Smith, Marc Mariani, Marc Trestman, Mike Huckabee, NFL, Peanut Tillman, Vic Fangio
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