The two cardinal rules of today’s NFL are: 1) offenses live and die by their QB, and 2) defenses live and die by pressuring the QB. On Sunday, the Bears proved to be a house of cards in both areas as our D got 0 sacks for a 2nd straight week, and our QB play was vaginal at best (not to disparage vaginas). It didn’t take long for AZ to show their hand, taking the opening kickoff to the house. We hung in for a bit, but eventually folded when Cuter walked off with his uterus hanging out of his jock. And when AZ called, we revealed that we were bluffing, as our backup filled in as nicely as a pap smear. Boy, those two are lucky they have union health coverage because the House just voted to block funding for Planned Parenthood.
AZ pulled a Hester on us – but do you
remember the Hester we pulled on them?
Recap
After AZ took 13 seconds to score, we bounced right back. Cutler came out en fuego, completing his first 8 passes for 120 yards and a TD (and a QBR of 158.3) while also leading us in rushing (3 for 24 yards). He found a wide open Joshua “Tree” Bellamy for his first NFL catch, which he took 48 yards for a TD. But AZ answered back. This time, it was their offense. And it was a trend they kept up with the same regularity as Trump insulting minority groups at his rallies.
Bellamy was so open, he had enough time to read
all of Hillary’s emails – both public and private
But again we struck right back. Jeremy “Spoke In Class Today” Langford ran for his first career TD, tying it at 14. Like last week, things were looking surprisingly promising. But also like last week, they would get worse. Much, much worse. Not only was that our last visit to their end zone, but AZ earned VIP access to ours with another TD. And then Cutler, well, pulled a Cutler.
Hey Langford, punch your chest if you’re gonna be on
a losing team for the duration of your rookie contract
Jay took things to another level with a feat even he hasn’t achieved before: the QB trifecta. On one play, he 1) threw a pick that was 2) returned for a TD while he 3) got hurt while (feebly) attempting to tackle the returner. Just as I predicted 11 days ago (“…it only stands to reason that he’s due to get hurt again in 2015”), the Butler went down. And unlike Rocky, he didn’t get up – except to limp to the locker room.
The pick-6 wasn’t what lost this game, but ironically (or
perhaps tragically), those were the game-winning points
Even with a healthy Cutler, being down 14 with 3 minutes left in the half would’ve been bleak. But what we did with those 3 minutes instead was epic – even for us. Because now we have an ace in the hole: Jimmy “My Contract Says I Can Suck Because I Had Them Put A” Clausen. Even though we ran 13 plays compared to 1 play for the Cards, we gained only 31 yards, and scored only 6 points despite getting 2 turnovers deep in AZ territory.
Not only does he share Cutler’s initials, he also shares the ability
to be out-played – no matter what the other team’s QB does
Clausen, who our blog listed as 1 of the 14 reasons the Bears would go 2-14 (“#12. Jimmy ‘The Window On My Career Is Quickly’ Clausen is our backup QB”), did little to prove me wrong, starting 1 for 2 for 1 yard, and punting from our 35. But in some sick, teasing twist of fate, the Cards fumbled the punt, and Jacquizz “Please Don’t Jizz In My Jacuzzi” Rodgers recovered it at their 22. It was our second longest gain of the day.
Rodgers pounced on the ball like a republican
on a muslim kid with a homemade clock
But Clausen had another trick up his sleeve. He had his first pass batted down by a lineman to the right, his second batted down by a lineman to the left, and then he threw an incompletion that went untouched out of bounds. It was as if there was a force field preventing his passes from crossing the line of scrimmage. That’s probably the only reason he didn’t turn it over before we settled for a FG.
Clausen: “If you want 6, start me deep in their zone – twice.”
But fate came back for one final laugh before going all in. After AZ had been calling timeouts to keep time on the clock, “He Went To” Jared Allen picked off Carson Palmer’s first pass, giving us the ball on their 12 with a minute left. That turned out to be just enough time for us to settle for another FG. Despite how inept Clausen was, our offense had out-scored theirs 20-14 while gaining twice as many yards in the half. The problem was that AZ managed to score 2 other TD’s despite gaining fewer yards (108) than we gave them (110) on 10 first half penalties. So the loss wasn’t solely on the O.
I had forgotten Allen played for us until this play
That being said, the O does deserve its fare share of blame. We came out in the second half looking like we didn’t know there was more football to be played. Matt “Getting Stuffed For A Loss On The First Play Of The Second Half Is My New” Forte was stuffed for a loss, Clausen was sacked, and then he threw a pick. By contrast to Cutler’s start, at this point Clausen was 3 for 8 for 9 yards and 1 INT (and a 6.3 QBR). AZ took only 2 plays to score another TD, and they never looked back. They never had to.
Fitzgerald spent so much time in our end
zone (3 TD’s), he even had time to catch a nap
The Low Down
This was the kind of game I was expecting this year. Despite the stats being relatively close, the big factors were AZ’s non-offensive scoring, and AZ’s offensive scoring. Palmer completed only 3 more passes than Clausen (17-14), but he threw 4 more TD’s, as AZ scored 7 total. Think about that: with Cutler out, and our defense and special teams sucking, it could take us 7 WEEKS to get our 7th TD of the SEASON. We also committed 14 penalties for 170 yards, tying the Bear’s record for penalty yards in a game dating back to 1944. That’s just fucking sad.
2 QB’s entered…OK, really only 1 QB entered…
Doubtlook
2-14 might have been too optimistic, so I’m re-evaluating that prediction. I think it’s going to get worse before it gets better. Much, much worse.
GM Ryan Pace trying to look like he’s NOT
looking for Cutler’s uterus on the sidelines
Quotes of Note
Fox announcer on Clausen, after he had 2 straight passes batted down: “Third down, blitz coming, Clausen turns it loose, and nowhere near the intended target of Wilson. Boy that’s ugly, uglier and ugliest.” ~ I think he may have been describing our 3 QB’s.
Our 3rd QB is not only kept out of group hugs, but
he has a mullet, and has yet to dress for an NFL game
Coach Fox: “We did get in the endzone a little bit more consistently this week than last week.” ~ Uhm, no you didn’t, Foxy. Not only did we score 2 TD’s in each game, we scored exactly 23 points in both. Maybe they should introduce him to some New Math.
One good thing for Fox is it won’t take
New Math to count his win total this year
Jared Allen: “Our scouting report was right on this week, honestly. Hats off to the coaches and everything they gave us. I mean, it wasn’t for lack of being prepared and not knowing what they were running, that’s for sure. ~ Nice. But then why did they score SEVEN FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS, Jared?!
Canadian Super Fan Ryan O’Hare has 11 Bears tattoos,
all of which he regrets more than the last this season
BEAR DOWN?
#ItWillGetWorseBeforeItGetsBetter
© 2015
Bear Down Baffa 
Leave a comment