I feel no joy being right this year, but you have to admit I’ve been spot on. Our season started badly, it’s gotten worse, and there’s no tunnel (let alone an end) from which to glean any light. As we predicted, Cutler went down, his backup is inadequate, and our defense has fewer stars than Jeb! has former presidents in his bloodline. And on Sunday, we continued our recent trend of using both old and new ways to fail. Old: we kept it close til the half, allowed the opponent to set a team scoring record, and then lost (all for the 3rd straight week). New: we didn’t turn it over, fell to 0-3 for the 1st time since ’03, and got shutout for the 1st time since ’02 (when Henry “Only One” Burris made his one – and only – career start). Unfortunately, with that kind of hidden creativity, it’s likely the Bears have yet to hit rock bottom.
If a tree falls in the forest, does a Bear cry?
Recap
A Seattle record 69,000 showed up for this battle of 0-2 teams. And both teams came out looking winless, which allowed the Bears to keep it close til halftime. But like both games before it, this one ended almost immediately in the second half. After limiting the 2-time NFC champs to just 2 FG’s on 5 first half drives, the Seahawks scored on 4 of their 5 second half drives, including returning the opening kickoff for a team record 105-yard TD.
Carroll to Fox: “Remember when I returned the 2nd half
opening kickoff for a TD against you and Denver in SB48?”
We, on the other hand, were consistent. Consistently pathetic. In his 2nd Bear start, Jimmy “My Contract Says I Can Suck Because I Had Them Put A” Clausen sucked like he had them put a clause in his contract assuring him the right to do so. We punted on all 5 first half possessions, as well as all 5 in the second. That’s 10 possessions, 10 punts. I don’t know what’s worse – punting half as many times as we passed (19), or having fewer completions (9) than punts. Regardless, when you score 0 points, you almost always lose.
Clausen tried everything, even using magic to levitate the ball
(* he is allowed to use magic due to a clause in his contract)
The Low Down
Clausen is paid to be ready to go. He’s equipped with a skilled staff, had a week to prepare, and was only asked to make short throws. Yet we 3-and-outed 6 times, and only hung onto the rock for more than 7 plays once, when we netted 47 of our 147 yards over 11 plays (wanna guess how that drive ended?). We also lost yardage on two drives, and despite averaging 15 yards a drive, we only gained over 14 yards twice. One thing is apparent: if Jimmy is what we’re going with, our other backup is completely unprepared.
If Allen Iverson is “the Answer,” Clausen is “the Question” –
and the 1st question I have is what the hell is this pic?!
I wasn’t surprised when we again gained more yards per run play (3.6) than pass play (2.5), but I was stunned that Clausen netted just 48 yards on the 19 plays that he was allowed to play a QB on TV (only the 2nd time we’ve netted under 50 since ’90). But hey, you know what he DIDN’T do? He didn’t throw a pick or fumble. So congrats to fans that think Cutler throws too many INT’s – this is your alternative on a planet thin in quality QB options.
Fox trying to pretend he isn’t jonesing for some Cutler
We had average field position, starting at the 20 or better 8 times, yet we only crossed into Seattle territory once, when we got just 2 plays in (a 3-yard carry and an incomplete pass) before punting from their 45. Matt “Only Running In The First Half Is My New” Forte again ran well in the first half, but was limited to 10 yards in the second. And with no passing game to speak of, we managed just 37 yards in the second half.
“First Half” Forte seen here, going nowhere, in the 2nd half
Our biggest ball mover? Punter Patrick “I Almost Got Another One Blocked This Week, But I’m Still Not Going To Expedite The Lethargic Process By Which I Punt The Ball” O’Donnell, of course. With 10 punts, he single-handedly moved the ball more yards (384) than Seattle’s offense (371). But we won’t be able to keep that up for very long before he goes down, and with our average punt position being our 33, we basically spent the day punting from out of our own redzone. And that’s as bad as it gets.
Our current MVP?
Defensively, we limited them to 125 yards and 6 points in the first half, as well as holding them to 0 for 6 on third down. We finally broke our sack jinx too, picking up 4 while getting all up in Russell Wilson’s celibate business. Both Pernell “Carter, You Should Gimme A Break” McPhee and Jarvis “I Just Doubled My Career Sack Total” Jenkins had 2 sacks.
McPhee & Jenkins were on Wilson’s jock like Ciara after bible study
But while we limited Marshawn Lynch to 23 yards on 6 touches, we let rookie Thomas Rawls rush for 104 yards in his 2nd NFL game. And we again softened up in the second half, when Seattle went 5 for 10 on third down, and their only punt came on a 4th-and-12 after McPhee got sacks on successive plays. This was also our largest point differential this year (26), so there are still no (partially-deflated) game balls being handed out to this squad.
Lynch didn’t talk, but he didn’t run either –
thanks to Clausen, he didn’t have to
And special teams (which is making a strong case for worst unit on our team) didn’t do much to help. On 10 kicks, Marc “I’d Kill Kenny G, Fuck Josh Groban, And” Mariani (marry Yanni) had only 1 return for 27 yards. Seattle, by contrast, had more yards on their two longest punt returns (169) than we had in total offense (146). While I’m sure that’s not a first, that along with all the other humiliating details of this game make this one for the ages. For the ages to shit on, set aflame and bury in the dessert with Obama’s Koran.
Doubtlook
Uhm, 0-4. No question.
The Bear’s offense until the Butler returns:
Clausen handing off to Forte – in Bear territory
Quotes of Note
Announcer Phil Simms: “Chicago, they want to steal the game, they want to win this thing somehow. And they need breaks I think to get that chance.” ~ OK, so he thinks we’re over-matched.
A fan fights to get his helmet back after realizing
it’s Shea McClellin about to give him an autograph
Simms on Clausen: “I really can’t pick apart anything he did wrong today. He played the way he was supposed to to try to give his team a chance to win. But there was nothing there to really accomplish at the QB position.” ~ Wow, it’s bad enough when neutral analysts are sucking off the other team, now they’re flat out saying we suck?
How about somebody cover Jimmy “Heisman” over here?
Dan Jiggets, after they had audio technical difficulties in the studio: “Do you think some of the Special Teams guys were working the audio?” ~ Yep, we’ve reached DEFCON 3: a home analyst and former player is making fun of our incompetence.
Our new tackling scheme: 1 for the helmet and 1 for who smelt it
Lance Briggs: “I’m pretty sure that (DC) Vic Fangio and (OC) Adam Gase’s game plan didn’t account for bad Special Teams.” ~ Wait, is that DEFCON 2? A home analyst and recent former player is ripping his recent former teammates?! Yep, it’s gonna be a long winter.
Tebow would be so jealous, he’d get a major Jesus Boner
(yes, that’s a thing)
The Bears are taking it where it hurts these days
(play the video all the way to the end)
BEAR DOWN?
#0-4HereWeCome
© 2015
Bear Down Baffa 
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