That’s not a typo in the title, “bearly” is a new adverb we created to describe a crappy team that stumbles into a win against another crappy team at the last second. Because that’s all that happened on Sunday. And if the Bears get any more wins this year, they’ll probably be in a similar fashion. Granted, a win is a win, but I rank “winning by FG” as 127th on the list of manly ways to win in the NFL. And we only needed that FG because we threw a late pick and lost the lead. Whether you’re a respected NFL team in rebuild mode, an immigrant in a spelling bee, or Donald Trump, that all still spells “loser.”
Even Gould was stunned that we won Sunday
Recap
This game went back and forth all day. But despite 7 lead changes, we led for two-thirds of it. We scored first, a TD on the opening drive, but Robbie “Maybe I’m Not As Good As” Gould had his PAT blocked. We then traded a few punts, Oakland scored a TD, Cutler fumbled, Oakland scored another TD, we scored another TD, and then the Raiders threw a pick. But after a first-and-goal at the Oakland 3, we settled for a FG, taking a 2-point lead into the half. That 1 missed point would haunt us all game – without it, we would’ve only trailed for a total of 4 minutes, and we’d have been tied when he kicked his game-winner.
Nobody was calling Gould a hero when his 1st PAT was blocked
But as usual, despite running for 70 yards in the first half, we couldn’t run in the second. Matt “First Half ” Forte (who, until our final drive, ran for just 14 yards on 10 second half carries) fumbled on our second play. The Raiders converted that into a FG (of course), after which we traded punts. Then the Bears regained the lead with a FG early in the 4th. But with Cutler on our side, it was far from over.
At times, the Butler appeared to enjoy the pressure
On their next possession, Oakland fumbled, giving us the ball at midfield with a 2-point lead and under 10 minutes to play. But rather than make it a 2-possession game and put a fork in it, after driving us 20 yards, Cutler decided that that was the perfect time to throw his weekly INT: on a 3rd-and-1 at their 23 with 7 minutes left. Talk about “clutch.” (* note sarcasm)
Cutler can kill you in the air OR on the ground –
and by “you” I mean the Bears
It was our defense that then came up big (with the term “big” being relative). They stuffed Oakland on a 3rd-and-2, holding them to a FG and getting us the ball back with 2 minutes left. As it turned out, that wasn’t enough time for Cutler to blow it. Instead, he “brought us back,” moving us 48 yards (it took him 11 plays), setting up the last-second (we let the clock run down) score (it was just a FG) for (from almost 50 yards) the win (just his first in 3 starts). So, still no game ball for Jay.
Our D didn’t fly on the field, or get on down,
but they deserve much of the credit for this win
The Low Down
With Cutler, we’ve put up 23, 23 and 22 points. And before we start chanting MVP, remember Oakland’s D is ranked only a few spots above us (there are none below us). And while the Butler completed 28 passes for 281 yards, he threw 43 times (65%) and only gained 6.5 yards/attempt. And he (surprise!) fumbled while he also (surprise!) threw a pick. But to be fair, he doesn’t have a #1 WR, or a #2 – he even stooped to throwing to Marc “I’d Kill Kenny G, Fuck Josh Groban, And” Mariani, which he, of course, didn’t catch.
1st pass ever thrown to Mariani as a Bear = almost picked off
As we predicted, our Center became an issue (“14. We will be starting a brand new player at Center, Will “I Be Here Next Year?” Montgomery…he touches the ball first and he touches it on every play.”). Will “I Be Back Next Week?” Montgomery went down early (he won’t be back next week; he broke his leg). But Guard Matt “Don’t Confuse Me With That Talentless Clausen” Slauson filled in admirably (yes, “admirably” is relative here) by only turning it over once.
Yes, he’s actually looking up (and backwards!) for a shotgun snap
from Slauson – but believe it or not, this isn’t the one he fumbled
Martellus “If You’ll Let Someone Else Catch A Pass Next Week” Bennett led us with 11 catches for 83 yards and a TD. We finished with 371 total yards and 23 first downs, but we had the ball 75 plays. Shockingly, we only had to punt 3 times on 12 drives. Unfortunately, as we also predicted last week following Pat “10-Punt” O’Donnell’s 10-punt onslaught (“…we won’t be able to keep that up for very long before he goes down…”), O’Donnell went down. Apparently 10 is his limit.
Bennett: “Can you dig it? Can you dig it? CAN YOU DIG IT?!”
Crowd: “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!”
Spencer “Knotts” Lanning was brought in to replace O’Donnell. Lanning, who’s been with 6 teams (including the Bears in ‘11), is known for getting kicked in the face on a punt return by Steeler Antonio Brown, as well as being the first player since ’68 with a punt, PAT and TD pass all in a single game (vs. the Vikings in ’13). With that resume, this guy could be a spark plug for change on our squad – or he could turn out to be the Conte of Special Teams. My money’s on him punting it backwards through our own uprights before it’s all said and done.
The bar’s been set pretty low when your only
hope is that your punts don’t get blocked
Defensively, we kept the league’s 5th ranked offense under 250 yards, and gave up a season-low 20 points. Jarvis “Fergie” Jenkins got another sack, and rookie Eddie “Isn’t It Awesome My Last Name is Goldman and I Get ‘Sachs’ For A Living?!” Goldman got the first sack of his career. We also got 2 turnovers, with Sam “Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah,” Acho recovering a fumble, and Pernell “Carter, You Should Gimme A Break” McPhee getting his first career pick.
McPhee returning his pick as our DB’s look on, baffled
by what was later defined for them as an “interception”
I guess I would label this less of a “comeback” win, and more of a “cleaning up your own puke in the neighbors bathroom,” or “buying it in a ‘you broke it, you bought it’ scenario in which you broke it,” or even a “wiping your own ass – with TP this time” kind of win. But I’ll certainly take it, just like every single god damn one of you sons of bitches. Go BEARS!
Fox has no business celebrating – at his age, or with his record
Doubtlook
The Butler is now 45-40 (.529) with the Bears. He should drop below .500 sometime in November, as we play only 1 game in Chicago in the next 42 days (2 away, bye Oct. 25, host 1, and travel for 2 more). So, remember that whole thing I was just saying about “Go BEARS?” Yeah, uhm, never mind. Oh, and there’s also the whole “fire sale” thing.
The Bears only play at Soliderz once in the next 6 weeks
On The Block
“He Went To” Jared Allen went to Carolina – for a 6th round pick (we must’ve “Art of the Deal’ed” them when they offered a 7th rounder). We paid him an $11.5M roster bonus in March, so he walks away with almost $16M in Bear money for playing almost 16 games in a Bear uniform (he was MIA a few games last year) and getting just 5.5 sacks. I bet that mullet ain’t looking so stupid now, is it?
Is it me or did our defense get a little darker this week?
Jon “Bomb” Bostic was traded to the Pats – also for a 6th round pick. And there are more trades coming. The only questions are who, when, and how many 6th round picks we can get. At this rate, we’ll have the entire 6th round all to ourselves, but all that will be left is the practice squad defense from THE South by SouthWest Eastern Appalachian Trail State Technical Institute for the Speed and Strength Impaired. The saddest part? Most of them could probably start for us next year.
We’d have to GIVE UP a 6th rounder to get a team to take Mariani
– wait, is that a second pass to him?! Nope, just a kickoff.
Who else is going? Well, our staff thinks Shea “You’ll Be Lucky To Get A 7th Rounder For Me” McClellin, Matt “Playing For A New Team May Be My New” Forte and Alshon “Take Me Away “Jeffery (who’s contracts are all up this year) will all be gone. And we have “maybe’s” on Christian “Mingle” Jones, Martellus “Where You Want To Be Traded” Bennett, and Willie “Be Here For X-Mas?” Young (who asked for a trade today). Lamar “I Lamay End Up In” Houston is also on watch. Cutler, well, we say 50/50.
The Cutlers’ “baby to be named later” may be cheering elsewhere
Quotes of Note
Coach Fox on Cutler: “If you know anything about Jay, he’s a tough sun of a bug.” ~ OK, way to date yourself, gramps.
Lord Stanley showed up with the Chicago BlackStanleys
Jim Miller: “It’s got to feel good for them, though…they played a complete game, the whole 60 minutes…just to finally get your first (win) under your new head coach.” ~ Sounds like he’s talking about his son’s Pop Warner team, doesn’t it? Way to shoot for the stars there, Jimbo.
SB MVP and Stanley Cup Champs/Conn Smythe Winners –
if that’s not a Chicago Sports-gasm, I don’t know what is!
Gould: “Listen, Michael Jordan never said he didn’t want the ball at the end of the game. Let’s be honest.” ~ Yes, let’s be honest, Robbie. You’re a kicker. If you ever even SAY Jordan’s name again, let alone compare yourself to him, you will find yourself the brunt of our sarcasm every week you continue to wear a Bear uniform.
I think they spelled BEER wrong…
Gould on the direction in which he kicked his last-second FG: “Well I love that endzone cause that’s the wind I’m used to. I think I’ve hit all my game-winners at that end.” ~ “All” your game-winners? Who the fuck does this guy think he is?!
Check out the size difference in Lanning’s punt and non-punt legs!
BEAR DOWN?
#1WinDown1ToGo
© 2015
Bear Down Baffa 
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