Until just 8 days ago, the Bears had lost 8 straight. But apparently our locker room didn’t get the memo, as we went on the road to get our 2nd straight win Sunday. Now before Jim Miller “straps open the party boots,” remember that the 2 teams we beat are 3-7, and the teams they’ve beaten are 4-11. And while we’re no longer the worst ranked defense, that title is now held by none other than the Chiefs. So while it’s great that we came back and won, once again, we only needed to come back because of our own ineptitude. And again, it was new-level ineptitude: this time Cutler gave away a TD by fumbling in our own end zone. So once again, we “bearly” won, which we define as “a crappy team stumbling into a win against another crappy team at the last second.” But hey, though we’re “bearly” on one, at least it’s a win streak!
Maybe not telling our squad that they suck is working?
Or perhaps they’re reading my blog for motivation?
Recap
It started slowly. We drove to mid-field before punting, as we wanted to wait until our 2nd possession to shit the bed. But we did get a jump on it after KC 3-and-outed, with Sherrod “If You Add Jermon Bushrod And Sherrick McManis’s Names, You Get Mine” Martin called for holding on the punt return, pushing us back inside our 10. Incidentally, the ref said it was on Jeremy “Do All Black Guys Look Alike To You, Ref?” Langford. Not to be left out, Zach “I’m White So The Ref Was Pretty Sure It Was Me” Miller false started on our first play, moving us back to the 5. It was 2 plays later that Cutler pounced on the opportunity to get sacked “into” the end zone, fumble, and let KC literally fall on the ball for a TD. You really have to hand it to him for his creativity.
I wasn’t even mad at the sack/ fumble/ TD because I was so
impressed with how much ineptitude he squeezed into one play!
But after putting ourselves in a hole that it took us 53 minutes to get out of, we responded with a FG. It took us 15 plays to go 54 yards before kicking it, and we committed 2 more penalties along the way, but like every point in this game, it turned out to be crucial. We wouldn’t score again until the end of the third quarter, as we 3-and-outed on our next 3 drives.
It took the Butler a little time to get his head right
KC, who followed their gift TD with another 3-and-out, then scored a TD after starting at midfield. But we forced a punt on their next drive, despite them gaining almost 50 yards, when Pernell “Carter, You Should Gimme A Break” McPhee got his 3rd sack of the season. Then KC kicked a FG on their subsequent drive after gaining another 50 yards, taking a 14-point lead into the half.
I keep looking for Conte whenever the other team scores
But in the 2nd half, KC came out and pulled a “Bears.” They drove 81 yards, set up for a FG after failing to score with a 1st-and-goal at our 9, and then had the kick blocked (by McPhee). It was an epic flame-out, in hindsight, because that would be the last time they’d pose a threat. The Bears, on the other hand, were just getting warmed up.
Once Cutler found his groove, he tied
McMahon for most wins as a Bear QB (46)
We started with a 73-yard FG drive. We came up empty on our next 2 possessions, but then we caught fire. The first TD came on an 88-yard drive. Cutler took a shot to the head on a scramble, Martellus “Where Your No-Trade Clause Prevents Us From Trading You” Bennett took a hit across the middle, and then Cutler threaded a 22-yard needle to Marquess “De Sade” Wilson. We failed on the 2-point conversion, so we trailed by 5 with 3 minutes left.
I’m even looking for Conte when WE score now!
After KC’s 3rd straight 3-and-out, we went 67 yards, scoring on another perfect pass. This one came after a bad snap, and it went to Matt “Just Because I Scored In the Second Half Doesn’t Mean I’m No Longer Called ‘First Half’” Forte. Forte had over 100 total yards, but other than the TD catch, he was quiet again in the 2nd half.
“1st Half” Forte caught his 1st TD pass all year – in the 2nd half
We missed the 2nd 2-point conversion, which would’ve given us a 3-point lead, but we led by 1 when KC got the ball back with 0:11 left. Our defense bent but didn’t break, as KC was unable to get into scoring range. The best they could do was muster up a miracle FG attempt from 66 yards. So our defense pretty much stepped up every time we needed them to in the second half, and you had to look at the Chiefs and feel sorry for them – as teams have looked at us over the last half a season.
KC was a Tebow short of pulling the “Christian Comeback”
The Low Down
The Bears came in listing 13 players as “Doubtful.” But against a weak opponent, we flipped the script by playing the game teams have played against us while forcing KC to play the game we’ve been playing all season. By that I mean we kept it close, and then got better as the game went on, rather than worse. Much, much worse.
Jay was “throwing his body all over the field,” a la McMahon
In the 1st half, the Chiefs out-scored us 17-3 and out-gained us by over 50 yards, almost doubling our yards per play while running fewer plays. But after the Bears gained just north of 100 yards on only 6 first downs in the 1st half, we not only out-gained KC by 100 yards in the 2nd, but we doubled up with 220 yards and 15 more first downs while out-scoring them 15-0. Kinda like what happened to us in weeks 1-3.
Fumble in the 1st half? TD for KC.
Fumble in the 2nd? TD for da Bears!
We finished with 328 yards (252 on the Butler’s arm), and Cutler finished by throwing 2 TD’s in the final 3 minutes. But the former was just our 3rd TD in the last 10 quarters, and the latter only our 2nd in the last 6, and both drives were aided by KC penalties totaling 40 yards. So when you factor in the sack/ fumble/ TD, it’s hard to get too excited about Jay’s performance.
You always hear turnovers in the RED zone are bad –
well how about turnovers in your own END zone?!
In the Butler’s defense, he threw 45 times, and didn’t throw an INT for the 1st time this year – and only the 3rd time in his last 13 starts. And with our top 3 WR’s out, he even threw 3 passes to Marc “I’d Kill Kenny G, Fuck Josh Groban, And” Mariani. Of course he didn’t catch any of them.
Actual caption on website where I got this pic:
“Bears WR Marc Mariani drops a pass in the 2nd quarter.”
We also failed on both conversion attempts, which is pretty bad. Miniature Mariani caught the ball thrown to him on our 1st attempt, but a gust of wind blew him out of bounds before he broke the plane. Even worse? Since it was a conversion play, he doesn’t get credit for the catch or the yardage, so Mariani remains catch-less as a Bear – even though he has video of himself catching a pass in a Bear’s game.
Mini came up “short” again, even after they reviewed it!
That poor bastard.
Cutler is also playing behind a make-shift line. With Will “I Enjoy My Time On Injured Reserve?” Montgomery going down for the year, we were forced to start under-sized rookie Hroniss “Wait, What’s Your Name Again?” Grasu in his first NFL game. And while we only allowed 2 sacks, he was bull-rushed and beaten on the endzone fumble. Hopefully, he eats some of that cheap fetal tissue from Planned Parenthood to bulk up for next week.
Grasu (#55) had his work cut out for him – especially with
college teammate Long (#75) occassionally sitting plays out
The defense played very well, limiting KC to 10 points despite giving up almost 5 yards per play. And we got 3 more sacks, with Willie “Be Here For Thanksgiving?” Young and Lamarr “I’m Probably Headed To” Houston ringing the bell along with McPhee. We didn’t get any turnovers, but after KC’s 1st second half drive, we held them under 50 yards on their remaining 5 possessions.
This week’s defense both flew on the field AND got on down
Maybe the Chief’s cooling off had something to do with the only white guy left on our defense, Shea “I WAS The Only White Guy Left On Our Defense” McClellin, getting hurt on that 1st second half drive. Or maybe it was KC’s 2-time All Pro Jamaal Charles going down on the next play. Or maybe it was just our D coming into its own. Nah, it’s got to be McClellin leaving the game, even though he’s our signal-caller.
Charles’ teammates walked him – along with their
chances of winning – off the field early in the 2nd half
At least we didn’t miss any PAT’s this week, though that’s likely due to our not attempting any. But Robbie “Maybe I Really AM Michael Jordan?” Gould passed Kevin “The Original” Butler as the Bears all-time scoring leader (1,118 points), going 2 for 2 on FG’s. For the record, he did NOT compare himself to Jordan after the game.
“Air” Gould
Doubtlook
Not to be negative, but this should have been 1 of our 2 easy wins this year, and we almost gave it away. So there are still no game balls. But we did clean up our own mess, and some stars are starting to shine. So I will give a dirty, game-worn sneaker this week to my new favorite Bear, Pernell McPhee.
Aaaaaaw, yeah! Real men wear pink – and block FG’s!
Not that anyone is thinking post season, but what’s crazy is we’re only chasing 2 teams for the Wild Card. And one is the Vikings, who are 2-2 after a bye this week. We go to 0-5 Detroit (sucks!), which I’m predicting we’ll either “bearly” lose, or “bearly” win. But if we do win, we’d “bearly” be .500.
Poor Mariani can’t believe he didn’t get in – but
his teammates didn’t seem to be surprised at all
But who knows? Maybe if we get some key guys back? I mean, before we trade them away. Maybe catch a team on a down-slope? Maybe we wind up winning 3? Or maybe even 4? But right now, I’m focused on 2: the number of our current (and soon to die a malicious, self-induced death) streak. And in Chicago these days, that’s not only cause for celebration, it’s a call for champaign and a parade!
We’re going streaking!
Quotes of Note
Cutler on Grasu and the sack/ fumble/ TD: “A rookie Center going against a pretty good nose (tackle)..he did a great job there. I just gotta hang onto that ball, just take the safety and move on.” ~ Jay, you could also have looked at the 2 enormous objects barreling straight at you from 1o yards away and tried moving to the side, no?
Even his fellow WR’s won’t let Mariani touch the ball!
Cutler on his 1st half performance: “First half, I don’t think I played very well.” ~ Yup. He was 10 of 17 (59%) for 81 yards (4.8/att), 1 sack/ fumble/ TD, and a 71.0 QBR at the half.
Jim Miller on Cutler on Cutler’s 1st half performance: “First time I’ve ever heard Jay Cutler in a press conference say ‘I did not play well in the first half.'” ~ Yeah, me too, Jimbo.
Cutler – not playing well in the 1st half
McPhee on Cutler: “I feed off Jay…Jay came out balling, especially that last 2 minutes. Two weeks in a row he was clutch.” ~ I can’t imagine Urlacher ever saying he “fed off” Jay, can you? How quickly things seem to be changing.
McPhee on his blocked FG: “Tell you the truth, they had disrespected me 3 times in a row running the counter at me, and they busted it 3 times in a row. I just looked at my guys and said, ‘That was on me, I got to make a play here.’ And the FG opportunity came and I just made a play. I just beat the guy, square move, and got my hands up.” ~ That might be the quote of the year, folks! I don’t know about you, but he reminds me of Warren Sapp – his look, skill AND his personality.
How can you NOT love McPhee (#92) – I mean, look at him!?
BEAR DOWN?
#WeMAYWin3
© 2015
Bear Down Baffa 
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