OK, so I was wrong. The Bears have already won more than the 2 games I predicted this year. But in my defense, San Diego just lost their 5th straight, and no one saw that coming. That gives us 3 wins by an average of just 2 points, each of which has come in our 3 games against AFC West teams (none of whom has a winning record). By contrast, our 5 losses have come by an average of 13 points, and to teams that are a combined 18-17 against teams not from Chicago. If we played the AFC West all season, we’d be in pretty good shape. But since we don’t, we’ve still got 8 more we can lose. And I think you’ll give it to me if we finish 3-13.
Miller used 1 hand (and 0 eyes) on his game-winning TD catch
Recap
As usual, I didn’t like the way things started. Marc “This Blog Has Been Mispronouncing My Name ‘Marry-Yani’ Instead Of ‘Mahrie-Annie'” Mariani returned the opening kickoff AND caught our first pass. I don’t have to tell you that that’s a recipe for disaster. And it was. Robbie “I Can’t Tell – What Color Are The Uprights? Are They Yellow Or” Gould missed a FG just 3 minutes later. Then Cutler fumbled, we punted and Cutler threw a pick-6, but at least this time he didn’t end his season trying to tackle the returner. And he was solid after that, passing for a TD on our next drive.
You BETTER sit alone in shame on that bench, mister!
The shocked Chargers led 16-7 at the half despite gaining fewer yards, committing more penalties, and reaching our redzone only twice. But their coaches must’ve lit a fire under their asses at halftime because they came out in the 2nd half as if they were on a mission to send us home winners no matter what it took. And so the battle of ineptitude escalated to another level.
Jay’s pick-6 really put a damper on SD’s plans to lose it early
SD got the 2nd half off to a good start by 3-and-outing, giving us great field position, and letting us take our time walking downfield. But not to be out-sucked, we left it in Gould’s hands again, and he went ahead and missed another FG. So the Chargers punted it right back to us, and since they didn’t want to give us a chance to miss another FG, they let us go a full 93 yards for a TD. Just to keep the bookie’s off their backs, SD did kick a FG. But then they immediately let us go 80 yards for another TD to take our first lead with 3:24 left.
Cutler conjuring up some 4th quarter magic
But SD started moving the ball, and picked up a 1st down in Bear territory at the 2-minute warning. But they anticipated such a scenario, and to ensure their own demise, they implemented a new plan: stop blocking Lamarr “I Never Celebrate Sacks Because I Tore My ACL Last Year During a Sack Celebration” Houston. On 1st-and-10 at our 46, Houston sacked Rivers – our 1st sack of the game – and he did the exact same celebration he did last year when he tore his ACL.
Step 1 of Houston’s incredibly stupid sack dance (Exhibit A)
I thought he might have re-injured himself when, on the next play (2nd-and-18), he jumped offsides (his 2nd penalty of the evening). But on the play after that (2nd-and-13), he showed he was fine by getting another sack, moving SD back to a 3rd-and-23. Houston single-handedly moved the ball 24 yards (in both directions) on 3 plays – all on defense, and all without touching the ball. At that point, it was too easy for SD to just throw 2 incompletions and hand us back the ball. And with only 1 minute left, there wasn’t enough time for us to blow it.
Step 2 of Houston’s incredibly stupid sack dance (Exhibit B)
The Low Down
We only punted twice, we out-gained them by over 100 yards, including over 2 yards more per play (8.2-6.0), and we came back to win by scoring 15 points in the last 15 minutes. Those are not uncommon stats in a garden-variety, NFL victory. But does any of that sound like the 2015 Bears to you? Nope, not to me either. Maybe it was all because we played a defense ranked even worse than ours (yup, that’s 100% of the reason).
Raise your hand if you were shocked we won this game?
Even considering that, we still trailed for 48½ minutes. And the reason we only punted twice was because we turned it over twice and missed 2 FG’s! Including this game, the Bears are now the only NFL team that hasn’t scored a TD in the 3rd quarter this year – and the season’s half over. We couldn’t even do it in the 3 games we won against the AFC Worst! Now THAT sounds like the 2015 Bears to me!
What we’re used to: Jay under the pile after fumbling
To his credit, after the pick-6, Cutler was 22 for 31 (69%) with 2 TD’s and a 115 QBR. He passed Sid “Fuck That Jay Cutler (from the grave)!” Luckman in Bear’s all-time Passing TD’s (138), and threw his 12th game-winning, 4th quarter TD since he came to the Bears in 2009 – the most of any QB in that time. It did take a stellar, one-handed catch by Zach “I Don’t Always Catch TD Passes, But When I Do, I Prefer To Use Only One Hand” Miller (his first Bear TD) for that to happen, but even Joe “Scrotal Sack” Buck would admit that 12 TD’s is impressive.
Even though SD sucks, it took this one-hander to beat them
Get To Know Your Offensive Line
With Center Hroniss “Wait, What’s Your Name Again?” Grasu out again, we started a new O-Line for the second week in a row. And we thought it was time to introduce them to our loyal readers the best way we know how. They are: Charles “I Like Jay Cutler More Than Jay” Leno, Vladimir “Putin’ On The Ritz” Ducasse, Matt “Don’t Confuse Me With That Talentless Clausen” Slauson, Patrick “Not My Momma, I Said Y-” Omameh, and of course Kyle “I Just Hold Guys If I Have To Protect Cutler For Too” Long. Unfortunately, Tayo “There’s No ‘I’ In Tayo Fabuluje” Fabuluje is still a backup.
Long showing how many holding penalties he had Sunday – 2
Outlook
At 3-5, we’re currently tied for the 7th Wild Card slot, with only 2 teams beneath us. But we’re also only 2½ games out of the last Wild Card, behind GB (6-2) and ATL (6-3) – both of whom have lost 2 straight. Beyond them, no one has 5 wins, and just 4 teams (Phi, NO, Sea & STL) have 4 wins each (4 have 3). We travel to “the Lou” on Sunday. If we win, and if another 4-win team loses, we’d move up to a tie for the 5th WC spot. That’s nothing to brag about, but technically, we’re only 1 win out of the hunt.
No one wants to be seen celebrating TD’s with Mariani
But at the halfway point, that also means we’re only 1 loss away from being done. Sure, we’re 3-2 since Oct. 1, but if we lose Sunday (which we all know is likely), we’d fall back into the shuffle. And that would pretty much eliminate us from the playoffs (baring a 7-game win streak). But hey, at least there’s one more week left in our season!
I don’t know, do YOU see more than 5 Charger fans in this pic?
Quotes of Note
Miller on his one-handed catch: “I really didn’t have time to go with two (hands). He put some juice on it, and I had to just go get it with one (hand).” ~ That’s what she said.
Gould already on the phone with his agent setting up interviews
Miller on his injury-riddled career: “It’s been a long 3 years…There was almost like 1,200 days before I played in a regular season game. Injuries stacked up. ’11 (I finished) on IR. 2012 I was on IR. ’13 got Injury Waived, and then last year (’14) here in Chicago, I had the Lisfranc injury in pre-season. Those 3 years were a grind, but I love this game.” ~ Wah, you cry baby! Counting this season, you’ll have made $2.3M. And more importantly, YOU GET TO PLAY FOR THE CHICAGO BEARS!
I bet these guys felt pretty stupid walking home
BEAR DOWN?
#WinOrDieNextWeek
© 2015
Bear Down Baffa 
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