Bear Down Baffa

Jesus, I can’t wait for this season to be over.  Despite the Bear’s many failures in this game, Tampa Bay was simply better at sucking than us, and captured the L.  Whether it was the Buc’s Doug “Fumble-deuce-skie” Martin fumbling twice, new Bear LB John “I Didn’t Get The Memo That We Were Supposed To Lose” Timu recovering them both, or Ka’Deem “Don’t Forget The Apostrophe Or The Capital D” Carey scoring 2 TD’s, it seems nobody got the memo that the Bears were supposed to lose.  And so, in winning our 1st December game in 2 years, we’ve guaranteed that at least 5 teams will draft ahead of us.  Even worse, if we win again, we could pick as low as 18th!  So I’m glad we’re playing at home next week (where we’re 1-6) because I want that 6th spot in the draft.  I never thought I’d say this, but I hope the Bears play like the Cubs next week!

Timu’s coming out party included running a recovered fumble
over to Coach Fox and handing it to him.  What a kiss-ass.

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5-9.  Do you remember the last time the Bears were 5-9?  I do.  It was last year.  Trestman sank our ship like any question about anything other than brain surgery has sunk Ben Carson’s poll numbers.  Well, a year later, we still suck.  We suck so bad that we’re running out of similes and metaphors.  There isn’t a single porn or prostitute analogy that captures it – not even a gloryhole scenario.  But without getting too graphic, I’ll say this:  the 2015 Bears suck like an army of souped up jet engines, but spinning in place and in reverse.  And our season is an innocent flock of geese just out for an unassuming morning fly.  And on Sunday, the entire flock got sucked into that nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner, and shred into a <POOF> of beaks, bones and blood-soaked feathers.  Merry F-ing Christmas!  And to be clear, I mean that in the non-denominational way.  Like the Bears, and so many others, I too am engaged in a war on Christmas.

Teddy did everything but walk over troubled Bridgewater Sunday

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You thought last year was bad?  Ha!  We just lost at home to a team that hasn’t won on the road since Obama lived in Kenya, making us 1-9 in our last 10 games at Soldierz Field.  The one positive most of us have going for us is that even though we have to experience the horror that is the Bears each week, we’re doing it from the comfort of our homes.  Imagine how pissed off season-ticket holders must be!  And on top of that, Robbie “Even I Hate Me” Gould missed another FG in the final minutes, choking for the 2nd straight week.  It’s gotten so bad, announcers have gone from calling him “one of the most accurate kickers in NFL history” to one of the most accurate “in Bear’s history.”  Which isn’t saying much since no one can name another Bears kicker other than Kevin Butler.  Yeah, you can’t, can you?  Regardless, we lost this one despite doing our best to keep Gould out of it.  And so, like Mayor Rahm Emanuel, I’m calling for his resignation.

I’d tell Gould to go fuck himself, but he’d probably miss wide left

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The 2015 Chicago Bears have done it.  They’ve gone ahead and done exactly what none of us wanted them to do – win too few games to make the playoffs but too many to get a top draft pick.  And just when they had their destiny by the balls, they drop another home game against a backup QB.  And this one falls 100% on Robbie “I’ll Be Unemployed Soon, So It’s Good That I Invested In” Gould, who missed 2 FG’s for the 2nd time this year.  And this after having the worst season in his career last year.  Our only hope is that this loss moves us up a couple spots in the draft where we can pick up a new Kicker.

Gould trying to quiet the voices in his head after blowing our season

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