Bear Down Baffa

You thought last year was bad?  Ha!  We just lost at home to a team that hasn’t won on the road since Obama lived in Kenya, making us 1-9 in our last 10 games at Soldierz Field.  The one positive most of us have going for us is that even though we have to experience the horror that is the Bears each week, we’re doing it from the comfort of our homes.  Imagine how pissed off season-ticket holders must be!  And on top of that, Robbie “Even I Hate Me” Gould missed another FG in the final minutes, choking for the 2nd straight week.  It’s gotten so bad, announcers have gone from calling him “one of the most accurate kickers in NFL history” to one of the most accurate “in Bear’s history.”  Which isn’t saying much since no one can name another Bears kicker other than Kevin Butler.  Yeah, you can’t, can you?  Regardless, we lost this one despite doing our best to keep Gould out of it.  And so, like Mayor Rahm Emanuel, I’m calling for his resignation.

I’d tell Gould to go fuck himself, but he’d probably miss wide left

Recap
Someone forgot to tell Washington QB Kirk “I Kiss My” Cousins that they were underdogs.  This mofo drove 80 yards over 15 plays to score a TD on their 1st drive – the Skins’ longest opening drive of the season.  We responded by getting a 1st down, getting sacked, committing a penalty, and punting.  The Skins came back with a 93-yard TD drive that Cousins carried in himself, giving them their largest road lead (14-0) of the year.  That’s next level type of sucking, people.

Their backup QB had as many rushing TD’s as our whole team

We came right back, though, getting into “Field Goal Range” (a term that must now be redefined for the Bears).  But once Cutler realized we weren’t going to reach the endzone, he just fumbled it over to Washington, rather than let Gould onto the field to embarrass himself.  But we did make sure to commit a penalty and get sacked again before we turned it over.

#93 had a tough choice – recover the fumble,
or just wait around for Gould to miss the FG

Washington couldn’t capitalize though, punting after a Willie “Please Stop Doing That Stupid ‘Fishing’ Sack Celebration?” Young sack.  But we punted it right back after penalties on 2 straight plays left us with a 4th-and-18.  And then they punted again after Lamarr “I’m STILL Doing The Same Sack Celebration That Injured My Knee Last Year – Even When We’re Trailing By 14” Houston got a sack, and then did the same sack celebration that injured his knee last year – even though we were trailing by 14.

Houston’s teammates try to prevent him from tearing his
ACL again while celebrating a sack when trailing by 14 points

When we got the ball back, we wasted no time in committing another penalty on our 1st play.  But once our offense saw Gould warming up on the sidelines, they made sure to reach the endzone so he couldn’t screw it up again, cutting the Skins’ lead to 7 at the half.  But we were only delaying the inevitable.

Cousins was laughing at us on the field

We came out in the 2nd half and proceeded to 3-and-out after getting sacked again, but we managed to complete a possession without committing a penalty for the 1st time all game.  But then Cousins again led his team on a long TD drive, this one covering 62 yards on 11 plays, giving Washington TD’s on the 1st drive of each half for the 1st time in 5 years.  Yeah, it’s THAT kinda season, folks.

At times, Cutler seemed to be taking it a little too easy on Sunday

But to break our hearts further, the Bears came back and scored another TD.  Then we picked off Cousins, giving us a short field (at their 21), and we scored another TD.  Doing all we could to avoid using Gould seemed to be the only motivation that’s worked all year, as we hadn’t scored a TD in 4 hours of 3rd quarter play, but we scored 2 within 2-and-a-half minutes in this one.  It still wasn’t enough, though, as Washington’s Kicker made his only attempt of the day on their next drive.  And the only FG of the game turned out to be the game-winner.

The top item on Chicago area X-Mas lists?  A new Kicker!

We responded by 3-and-outing.  Again.  The Skins punted it back but only after killing some time.  Then we exchanged punts, letting the clock wind down with very little sense of urgency.  Then we got the ball one last time – on our 20 with 2:11 left, trailing by 3.  Would there be a chance for Gould to redeem himself?  Or would the Bears once again be able to reach the endzone and keep him off the field?

Miller kept both hands on the ball, and both eyes on #38’s balls

We started by committing a penalty that pushed us back to the 15, but then Cutler hit Jeffery for 50 yards.  Everyone was thinking the same thing – don’t leave it up to Gould.  But after a 3-yard run and 2 incompletions, they wheeled in Gould like Hannibal Lecter.  And surprise – he missed AGAIN from 50 yards – his 3rd straight miss.  Yes, in his last 3 tries, he’s made as many as you and I have.  And in those 3 misses, he’s blown 2 straight games for us.

Gould resorted to using the unorthodox “2-foot kickoff”
in an attempt to distract everyone from how awful he is

The Low Down
It can be confusing to some fans.  The 2015 Chicago Bears appear to be an anomaly.  But here’s a clear explanation you can use at the water cooler:  We’re either a decent team that finds ways to continuously suck really bad, or we’re a really sucky team that somehow wins occasionally despite our suckiness.  Either way, we suck.  Personally, I’m still shocked that we’ve won 5 games because we suck like a “supermassive” black hole – if that supermassive black hole couldn’t make a fucking field goal!

Fucking Mariani going the wrong way again

Yup, it’s that bad.  No wait, it’s worse.  In our last 23 games, we’ve only scored more than 23 points 3 times.  And in that same span, we’ve given up at least 23 points 13 times.  Last year we finished 2-6 at home.  This year, we’re 1-6.  The best we can do is tie last year (which would be nothing to brag about), but that would require us to win a game at home, which we’ve only done once in the last 13 months.  I gotta say, based on recent events, I don’t like our chances of winning another game – either at home OR on the road.  Like ever.

The Bears offense battled all day between wanting to
score TD’s, and wanting to keep Gould off the field

Doubtlook
There are a record number of teams under .500 this year, so the Bears are still somehow not eliminated from the post season.  Yet.  Give ‘em another week.  If Gould is still on the roster, it’s pretty much a done deal.

Admit it, you don’t know a single one of these guys either!

Quotes of Note
Comcast’s Moon Mullin: “If it’s a test of character, the Bears failed… Three times they’ve had a chance to get to .500, and (they) dropped all three.  Now they’re playing for their playoff lives, and they drop this game.” ~ Moon, you’re gonna make me cry.  What poem is that from?  Is that James Joyce?

* Note – the only guy mad that Miller scored is Mariani

Comcast’s Dan Jiggets: “This is a team I can’t figure out…Just when you think they’re ready to make that move, they go absolutely in the other direction…All of a sudden you look around, and you’ve got a forest full of issues.  And that’s basically what they’ve got right now – a forest full of issues.” ~ So is he saying that the Bears can’t see the forest for the trees?  Or that if a bear shits in the forest, Coach Fox has to clean it up??  Or that if a tree falls in the forest, everyone can hear that the Bears suck???

A Bear tackler, an opponent not being tackled, and 2
cameramen there to catch it all – a typical Sunday in Chicago

Comcast’s Jim Miller: “At the end of the day, the Bears had the ball last, (Cutler) took them right down the field and put them in position for a 50-yard field goal…that’s all you can ask your QB to do.” ~ Really, Jim?  Is that ALL you can ask?  You can’t ask him to set up a 40-yarder?  Or one from 30?  Or how about asking him to earn his $1.1M game check and put it in the fricken endzone instead of just trying to tie it with a FG?  All I can ask you to do is know what the words “all,” “can,” and “ask” mean, Jimbo.

This pic has everything – a player from each team, endzone markers, a sound bubble, still and video cameras, a ref, a ref throwing a flag, fans, the ball in mid-flight, and some idiot in an orange t-shirt calling for a timeout.  All that’s missing is a Syrian refugee.

Gould on being the most awful person in the world, and that includes the entire GOP presidential field: “I just pushed it right.  I don’t know what to tell ya.” ~ I know what to tell YOU, grown-ass man with a little boy’s name, LEARN HOW TO KICK A FUCKING FIELD GOAL, ROBERT!

Gould warms up as coaches (in background on phones) try
to dump him from their fantasy teams before game time

BEAR DOWN?

#MakeGouldAndEmanuelResign

© 2015

This entry was posted on Mon, Dec 14, 2015 at 7:47 pm and is filed under f) 2015 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.