5-9. Do you remember the last time the Bears were 5-9? I do. It was last year. Trestman sank our ship like any question about anything other than brain surgery has sunk Ben Carson’s poll numbers. Well, a year later, we still suck. We suck so bad that we’re running out of similes and metaphors. There isn’t a single porn or prostitute analogy that captures it – not even a gloryhole scenario. But without getting too graphic, I’ll say this: the 2015 Bears suck like an army of souped up jet engines, but spinning in place and in reverse. And our season is an innocent flock of geese just out for an unassuming morning fly. And on Sunday, the entire flock got sucked into that nuclear-powered vacuum cleaner, and shred into a <POOF> of beaks, bones and blood-soaked feathers. Merry F-ing Christmas! And to be clear, I mean that in the non-denominational way. Like the Bears, and so many others, I too am engaged in a war on Christmas.
Teddy did everything but walk over troubled Bridgewater Sunday
Recap
With Minnesoda missing their 3 best defensive players, things started about as good as they possibly could. Deonte “Beyonce” Thompson (and all his single ladies) returned the opening kickoff to the 50. Then on our 1st play, Matt “Getting Big Runs Called Back Due To Penalties Is My New” Forte had a 35-yard run brought back due to a penalty. We then ran for 3 yards, got sacked, ran for 13 on 3rd-and-25, and punted from our 48. I believe they call that “no steps forward, 2 steps back.” And it only got worse from there.
Cutler, on the other hand, was in troubled water all day
In what has become commonplace, the opposing young QB walked down and scored a TD on his 1st try. This time it was “Touchdown Teddy” Bridgewater. We got sacked on 3rd down and punted on our next 2 drives, while Minni kicked a FG and then punted – but only because of a penalty. We finally scored, but it was only because we started at midfield and the Vikes gave up yardage with another penalty. But Minni came right back, scored a TD, and left us just 0:22 in the half. And, of course, we did nothing with it, heading into halftime trailing by 10.
The Bears carried Bridgewater off the field after such an historic day
But…we came out and surprised EVERYBODY with an on-side kick to start the 2nd half. And despite Robbie “Will Whoever Is TP’ing My House Please Stop” Gould being on the field, it somehow worked! But in true Bears fashion, Cutler was sacked, stripped and lost the ball 3 plays later at midfield. And Bridgwater again led his team downfield for 7. We did come back with a FG, Gould’s 1st since his hymen was broken 2 weeks ago, but you don’t catch teams that are scoring TD’s by kicking FG’s.
Just when he started rebuilding his image, Gould went with this
effeminate, girly-five and blew any street cred his FG established
We stopped Minni again, but we ran for a yard, got sacked, and then committed back-to-back penalties. And though we didn’t get sacked on 3rd down, we punted again. Then the Vikes punted for the 2nd time in a row, giving us a chance to cut the lead to 7. But the Butler threw a pick from our 20, and with a short field, Bridgewater carried it in himself. We scored once more, and after we failed on a 2nd onside kick attempt, they scored 1 last time. So we can add “2 onside kick attempts in 1 game” to the list of sucky firsts for the 2015 Bears.
Cutler shows how many years he’s into his 7-year contract:
“Only 2, bitches!”
The Low Down
Boy, that Bridgewater is really something. He’s the next Joe Mantegna. Or is he? He’s not the 1st young QB to have a career game against us. So, was this a coming-out party for a future MVP, or was it just another mediocre QB picking apart a masters-of-suck defense? First, we have to consider that he came in having played 26 NFL games, he’d only rushed for 2 TD’s, he’d never thrown more than 2 TD’s in a game, and he’d thrown more INT’s (20) than TD’s (19).
At times, Teddy’s teammates couldn’t help but stop and watch in awe
But on Sunday, Bridgwater threw 4 TD’s, 0 INT’s and ran 1 in. The last QB to do that against us was Fran Tarkenton – in 1961, the Vike’s 1st ever game. So this young QB, who never had a QBR over 120, all of a sudden has a game for the ages, finishing with a 154.4 QBR on 17 for 20 (85%) for 231 yards? I mean, I’ve got nothing against Teddy – other than his name. He’s a nice young QB. But uhm, yeah, the Bears just REALLY suck.
It’s easy to look good when the other team’s defense isn’t around
Doubtlook
It’s official. The most number of wins we can get is 7, which ensures another losing season. And how did the Bears go out with their season on the line? By committing 6 penalties, getting sacked 5 times, punting 4 times, allowing the Vike’s QB to score 3 more TD’s than ours, and turning it over twice. Fortunately for us, the NFL could only record it as a single loss, despite 0 Bears actually showing up.
I mean, how is this NOT holding?!
But before anyone gets too sad over getting knocked out of the playoffs yesterday, here is the list of everything that would’ve had to happen for the Bears just to win a Wild Card spot:
- This week: BEARS had to beat Vikes; Jags beat Falcons; Panthers beat Giants; Bills beat Skins; Cards beat Eagles; Lions beat Saints.
- Week 16: BEARS beat Bucs; Eagles beat Skins; Panthers beat Falcons; Giants beat Vikes.
- Week 17: BEARS beat Lions; Pack beats Vikes.
So Bridgewater or no Bridgewater, we weren’t going anywhere after game 16. Except home.
Bears players taking a pre-game knee to collect
themselves before getting another ass-whoopin
Quotes of Note – Special Edition: “Captain Obvious”
Coach Fox on losing like a losebag: “When you’ve lost 3 in a row – we haven’t done that all season long – I think it does a little bit to thwart your confidence.” ~ Really, coach? You haven’t lost 3 in a row “ALL” season? You realize you’ve only played 14 games, right? And great, our own coach is pointing out how record-breakingly sucky we are.
Really, Jay? A 2-finger sleeve pull tackle?!
Fox on Special Teams: “Obviously the execution of the surprise onside to start the 3rd quarter (was helpful because we) stole a possession…(but) then we turned around and gave it back to them.” ~ Yeah, it sounds just as bad hearing you say it as it was to watch. And I’m realizing right now that it’s even worse to type it out.
Dude, another 2-finger sleeve pull tackle?!
How about going sleeveless, you pansy?!
Fox on Gould: “Robbie hit a 51-yarder, I thought that was a plus.” ~ Yes, coach. When your shitty kicker finally makes one, and you put 3 points on the board, that is not a negative.
McClellin is holding out for a new contract
by using only his left hand to tackle now
Fox on playing only for pride now: “It is what it is. I think we’ve officially been eliminated from the playoffs. I don’t think that is anything we have to talk about anymore.” ~ Translation: “These guys suck, and I have no idea how to make them unsuck.”
Why do they keep showing Favre’s dick on the Jumbotron?
And more importantly, why can’t our O-line look away?
Fox on not being able to get to .500: “We can’t have a winning season, and we’re gonna have a losing season. So no different then the math was a month ago. The math is still the same. We have 16 games and our record is what it is.” ~ Uhm, no. When you lose 4 out of 5 in a month, the math changes. Maybe somebody should get this idiot a calendar and a calculator for Christmas.
Teddy went in for a kiss, but unlike his
O-line, Jay put up pretty good pass protection
Cutler when asked if it’s “deflating” when Jeffery is out: “It’s not IN-flating.” ~ Actually, that’s pretty solid, Jay.
Wait, what?!
And our inaugural winner of the “Captain Obvious” award, Kyle Long: “Even if you block a guy 70 plays, if he gets a strip-sack-fumble after an onside kick at the half…that’s not the best position to put your defense in.” ~ And that, folks, is how you get crowned “Captain Obvious!”
Someone finally gets me
BEAR DOWN?
#JustEndItAlready
© 2015
Bear Down Baffa 
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