Bear Down Baffa

Jesus, I can’t wait for this season to be over.  Despite the Bear’s many failures in this game, Tampa Bay was simply better at sucking than us, and captured the L.  Whether it was the Buc’s Doug “Fumble-deuce-skie” Martin fumbling twice, new Bear LB John “I Didn’t Get The Memo That We Were Supposed To Lose” Timu recovering them both, or Ka’Deem “Don’t Forget The Apostrophe Or The Capital D” Carey scoring 2 TD’s, it seems nobody got the memo that the Bears were supposed to lose.  And so, in winning our 1st December game in 2 years, we’ve guaranteed that at least 5 teams will draft ahead of us.  Even worse, if we win again, we could pick as low as 18th!  So I’m glad we’re playing at home next week (where we’re 1-6) because I want that 6th spot in the draft.  I never thought I’d say this, but I hope the Bears play like the Cubs next week!

Timu’s coming out party included running a recovered fumble
over to Coach Fox and handing it to him.  What a kiss-ass.

Recap
The scoring in this game was anything but normal, but it followed a distinct pattern.  1st quarter: Tampa Bay scored a TD.  2nd quarter: Carey scored a TD, and then we kicked 2 FG’s.  3rd quarter: Tampa scored a TD.  4th quarter: Carey scored another TD, and then we kicked 2 more FG’s.  And then TB squeezed in another TD.  So Tampa scored 7, then the Bears scored 13.  Then Tampa scored 7, and the Bears scored 13.  And then Tampa scored 7.  But of course we didn’t score a TD in the 3rd quarter for the 14th time in 15 games.

Carey tripled his career TD count with 2 on Sunday –
maybe it’s because he’s so little, TB couldn’t see him?

The Low Down
The Bears could’ve won this game 75-0.  First of all, we helped Tampa score all 3 of their TD’s.  The 1st came after they blocked a punt and recovered it at our 4.  The 2nd was a 50-yard pass where Tracy “Wait, Who’s Covering That Guy?!” Porter got beat on the sideline.  And the 3rd was a 50-yard Hail Mary with 0:01 left in the game.  We should’ve pitched a shutout against the offensive ineptitude of a Lovie Smith team with a rookie QB.  But of course we didn’t.

I’m shocked that this was Pat “I Take FOREVER
To Punt” O’Donnell’s 1st blocked punt this year!

Secondly, Tampa put the ball on the ground so often, it looked like they were bowling.  At one point in the 3rd quarter, they threw a pick, and then fumbled our almost immediate, subsequent punt – the 2nd straight punt return Bobby “My Hands Are Wet Even Though It’s Not” Rainey fumbled while maintaining possession.  And then Pro Bowler Martin (who had only lost 2 fumbles in 1,600+ career touches) fumbled on their next play, with Timu recovering his 2nd Martin fumble in 22 minutes.  It seemed that whatever Martin was laying down, Timu was picking up.  But of course we rarely convert turnovers into TD’s.

Timu (#53) was so excited to recover this
fumble, even his ponytail had an erection

But in the end, we were lucky just to win.  It helped that their Kicker missed his only FG attempt, while Robbie “Now That You Want Me To Miss, I’m Making Them” Gould made all 4 of his.  But that only happened because, despite us never turning it over, getting 3 turnovers, and having a 1st-and-goal 4 times, we only scored 2 TD’s.  That’s how you only score 26 points in what should’ve been a blowout.

The Waterboy’s Robbie Boucher: “Slap hands!”

And that’s how we only won this game by 5 points.  That’s not a sign of a winner, folks.  If anything, it’s just a sign that Tampa wanted to lose more than we did.  Now we’re both 6-9.  You watch where they draft and where we draft next year.  You’ll see the difference this game made.

Timu even helped fellow undrafted rookie Harold “I Have 2 Last
Names, But Only 1 INT” Jones-Quartey get his 1st career INT

Doubtlook
Negatives: We’re in last place; 2 teams in our division already clinched playoff spots; not enough wins to make the playoffs, but not enough losses to draft high; a broken O-Line; Cutler looking at his 7th OC in 9 years when OC Gase leaves; so many question marks on defense that our best player is an undrafted rookie LB from our practice squad who’s only started 2 games; and Virginia McCaskey is still alive.

Coach Fox approximating how far back we just fell in next year’s draft

Positives: Conte no longer plays for us.

Worst Hail Mary defense ever?  We only rushed 3,
and they STILL had more guys on the ball than us!

So yeah, I’d consider the 2015 Bears complete and utter failures.

After finishing with a QBR over 100 for just the 5th time
this season, Cutler signals for his $1.1M game check

Quotes of Note
Fox Sideline Reporter Peter “No New Info” Schrager with an injury update: “Eddie Goldman was just carted off.  It ‘looked like’ a lower leg injury.  He was ‘slapping some fives’…on the way out.  But I’m ‘not sure’ if we’re going to see him again today.” ~ OK, so the only update you have is everything we already knew, and the whitest description possible of him high-fiving fans.  I figured with it being Fox and all, he’d at least make something up!

I never knew that #22 upside-down is still #22 –
and no, Martin didn’t fumble this one

Timu on his 2 fumble recoveries: “It’s swarm football.  Run to the ball, you never know what could happen.  Just so happened to be two footballs on the ground, and we were able to grab it.  Create more possessions for the offense and more points.” ~ Yes, the “more possessions” comment is spot-on.  But our team has to actually score for it to lead to points, rook.

Cutler: “Hey, you from out of town?”

Timu on getting playing time: “Coach always emphasizes how much the opportunities come and go in the NFL, especially being an undrafted rookie. What you get it, you’ve got to make the most of it…show that you belong.  And hopefully that’s what I’ve done.” ~ I believe you have, my friend.  At least you’re no worse than anything else in that heaping pile of shit we call a linebacking core!

I think we all recognize that look on Lovie’s face –
but he’ll probably draft ahead of us next year

BEAR DOWN?

#It’sAlmostOver!

© 2015

This entry was posted on Mon, Dec 28, 2015 at 11:09 pm and is filed under f) 2015 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.