If you Google the word “Brock,” the top 3 results are: rapist Brock “Two Fingers” Turner, Brock “What Do You Mean Steroids?” Lesnar, and Brock “I’m Making $2M More This Year Than Cutler” Osweiler. After turning a 4-year tour backing up Peyton Manning into $72M, Osweiler has now beaten the Bears twice in his first 8 NFL starts. And right now, I can’t decide which is worse – facing Osweiler backed by a strong defense, facing Lesnar in a UFC cage, or facing Turner behind a dumpster after drinking a bottle of Jägermeister. But like most of Chicago today, it feels like I got all three.
Osweiler taunts Bear defense: “That’s $2M more than Jay.”
It started off pretty solid. We picked off Texas and scored a TD on our first drive. And we led after the first quarter despite only doing so once all last year. Then we put a 75-yard TD drive together after getting the ball with just 0:38 left in the half, taking a 14-10 lead into halftime on the Butler’s 141.8 first half QBR.
Cutler to O-Line: “Come on you guys, Turner only needed 2 fingers!”
But things took their typical turn for the worse from there, as we lost the second half 13-0. On 29 plays, we gained just 71 yards (2.4/ play), and we got only 4 first downs. Additionally, we were sacked 4 times, while Cutler went just 6 of 16 for 60 yards (3.7/ attempt) and a pick, earning a 22.9 QBR.
Things could’ve been worse – he actually recovered this fumble
New All-Pro Guard John “I’m Startin’, Not” Sitton, whom we just signed for 3 years and $21M after Green Bay cut him, seemed to fill in nicely. You don’t often find a guy on the street that can stop a 3-time Defensive Player of the Year, but that’s just what he helped do to J.J. Watt. Rookie Guard-turned-Center Cody “My Pubes Are Composed Primarily Of” Whitehair didn’t fare as well, mis-snapping on a 4th-and-1 QB sneak that led Cutler to fumble.
Sitton sittin’ on his block while #65 Whitehair watches Jay get Turnered
The good news: some of our new defenders showed up. In their Bears LB debuts, Jerrell “Colin Kaepernick Says I’m Not A” Freeman had 17 tackles, while Danny “All My Stats Begin And End In Ones” Trevathan had 11 tackles and added 1 sack. Rookie first-rounder Leonard “When I Work Out, I Listen To Pink” Floyd also got in on the action with 6 tackles and half a sack in his NFL debut.
“Pink” Floyd adds another brick to the wall with his 1st NFL sack
This game was fairly evenly played. We each gained 4.8 yards per play, we each scored a total of 2 TD’s, and we each turned it over once. But they kicked 3 FG’s and we kicked none. Where is Robbie “I’m 9th All Time, Why Did You Cut Me?” Gould when you need him? And so, after 4 tries, we’re the only remaining NFL team to have never beaten the 15-year-old Houstons.
Lamarr “I Hate” Houston, when asked “Who hates Houston?”
Doubtlook
A lot is going to depend on whether our O-Line can gel, and if so, how quickly. Our defense will come around, but that is still going to take a while. But what is clear from this game is that Cutler needs to do a better job with the chances he gets until they do. And even that could take some time while he gets used to new OC Dowell “Jones” Loggains.
Sometimes it hurts more when you see it coming,
but this one looks like it hurt before it even came
The Bears have what appears to be a weak non-division schedule this year, so though I believe the W’s will be sporadic, we should get our first win soon enough. Next week, we host Philly, who has a rookie QB. Then we go to Dallas, who also has a rookie QB. And then we host Detroit (sucks!), who no longer has Smegmatron. I’m not putting any money on it, but we’re bound to win at least one of those.
Who’d rather face Turner than Osweiler or Lesnar?
Quotes of Note
Robbie “On The Couch” Gould, in his “Nobody Cares” farewell memo to fans, claimed he will “Always (be) a Bear.” ~ Uhm, maybe someone should tell him how this works, and that he’s no longer a Bear.
A face – and a foot – that only a mother could love
Kyle “They Got At Jay All Day” Long: “We can’t be helping 6 (Cutler) up off the ground like that. We should be patting him on the butt after TD passes.” ~ Mmmm, playing “Thlap-Ath.” (say it out loud if you don’t get it)
Coach Fox, when asked how Cutler played: “I don’t like to evaluate people in the press…(but) none of our performances were good enough today.” ~ I don’t like to judge our coach online, but his post game commentary sucks.
Houston needed a ginormous flag to hide Watt’s angry hard-on
CB Tracy “Proper Fractions” Porter, on mathematics: “It’s a game of halves, and a game of quarters. So you have to play for 4 full quarters, you have to play for 2 halves. ~ He left out that you have to play for 8 eighths, though.
Watt blew his load pre-game, finishing with just 1 tackle and 0 sacks
A Little Something Extra
If you don’t know about our new All-Pro Guard Sitton, check out a breakdown of his play at GB with tons of video X’s and O’s here.
That motherfucker is making $2M more than me this year?!
BEAR DOWN?
#WhichBrockWouldYouWantToFace?
© 2016
Bear Down Baffa 
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