The Bears headed to Lambeau for a Thursday nighter, facing A-A-Ron Rodgers and his career-low QBR 88.4. (BTW, Cutler’s career QBR is 85.9). We brought our #2, Brian “The Deuce” Hoyer, who’d thrown for 300 yards 4 games in a row, and hadn’t thrown an INT in 181 passes. But we didn’t discount double-check ourselves before we discount double-wrecked ourselves, as Rodgers completed a franchise-record 39 passes. And while Deuce extended his NFL-best pick-less streak to 200, he threw for just 49 yards before getting toolboxed by Clay “Captain Toolbox” Matthews, who broke Hoyer’s arm. Cut to our #3 QB, Matt “Gnarls Charles” Barkley, who wasn’t even on our roster until a month ago. So we’ve reached Defcon 3 – we’re down to our Gary Johnson of QB’s.
We went from #2, “The Deuce,” to #12, “El Doce,”
but with the same results
The Low Down
Holy shit, are we bad! We scored just 3 offensive points, and completed only 10 passes. Hoyer started slowly, but got better on each of his 3 drives. But Barkley got worse – much worse – on each of his. And he had 5 of them.
The Deuce’s drives went like this:
1) Punt after 3 plays.
2) Punt after 6 plays.
3) Punt after 8 plays, possession of over 4 mins, 49 yards gained.
Now when he reminds us he’s #2, he means our 2nd QB to get hurt
El Doce’s drives went a little different:
1) FG.
2) Punt after 8 plays, over 4 mins, and 64 yards. It ended with a sack on 2nd-and-9, back to back 5-yard penalties, and then a 5-yard pass on 3rd-and-29.
3) Punt after 3 plays.
4) INT after 5 plays and just 50 seconds.
5) INT after 4 plays and only 42 seconds.
Thank god Barkley didn’t get a 6th drive – someone might’ve died
Before our last drive, our QBs’ numbers were eerily similar. Hoyer was 4 for 11 (36.4%), 49 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT, and a 50.9 QBR, and Barkley was also 4 for 11 (36.4%), but for 44 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, and a 11.2 QBR. Doce did have a 53.8 QBR before the pick, but after throwing his 2nd shortly thereafter, he finished with an 18.3. So when people ask what we’re getting with Barkley, tell them we’re getting Hoyer. Plus the picks.
Barkley wasn’t allowed to actually throw any passes during warmups
Either way, neither of them was even remotely close to Rodgers’ 39 for 56 (69.6%) for 326, 3 TD’s, 0 INT’s and a 102.2 QBR. He also had 3 different guys with double digit receptions. Defensively, we kept ourselves in it, but only as long as GB let us. And then they stopped letting us. We allowed 3 points in the 1st, 3 in the 2nd, 7 in the 3rd, and 13 in the 4th, and we gave up over 400 yards and 33 first downs.
Rodgers new pre-TD celebration dance includes “voguing”
Our one highlight was rookie Leonard “SSRTD” Floyd’s sack, strip, recovery, TD on GB’s 3rd play of the 2nd half, giving us a 10-6 lead. But GB easily took the lead back for good 5 minutes later. And even though we got our 1st defensive score in 35 games, we blocked a FG, and GB missed an XPT, we still gave up 26 points on just 9 drives. That’s a FG a drive, and that’s counting the strip-sack-recovery-TD drive.
Floyd looked confused when he found what appeared
to be a foreign object loose in the GB end zone
Connor “Who Do I Think I Am, 2010 Robbie ‘I Wish It Was 2010’ Gould?” Barth was good on his one FG attempt, but we committed another 10 penalties for 108 yards. It’s gotten to the point where we have to question whether or not we should be on an NFL field this season. And the answer keeps coming back negative.
Holder O’Donnell again kept one hand clean
for his post game pussy grabbing festivities
Doubtlook
We came in with our worst start in 12 years. And with another loss, we’re now 1-6. How’d we ever win 1?
We may be bad, but at least we’re not THIS fucking tool
(sorry for the F-bomb, Mom, but it’s necessary for this fucking tool)
The only team with a worse record is 0-6 Cleveland. That makes us some serious losers. And with 2 QB’s down, we could realistically go 1-15. So cinch it up and hunker down, folks. This winter already sucks, and it’s not even here yet.
The Pack and the Bears stuck around after the game
to work on some new pussy grabbing techniques
Quotes of Note
Phil Simms early in the 4th quarter: “The Chicago Bear defense is tired.” ~ So are the fans, and so is our staff, Phil.
Acho opted for “kicking them in the pussy”
El Doce on, apparently, his sex life: “Back at home, my wife’s helping me out. It’s just one of those things that takes time…we’ve tried to cram as much in as we can and, I felt good going into tonight with what we were doing.” ~ Maybe he was talking about the game plan, but maybe the game plan was banging his wife. Think about it.
Coach Fox remains an avid supporter of the
GEBTP (Grab ‘Em By The Pussy) movement
Barkley, back to his wife, whom he apparently shares with his fellow QB’s: “You never want to see a teammate go down the way Brian did and the way Jay has…I just think you have to take advantage of opportunities like that, no matter when they come or how they come.” ~ That one may have been about filling in due to injury.
GB opted for the new maneuver that Trump brags about
doing in a yet-to-be-released tape – “Fucking ’em by the titties”
BEAR DOWN?
#WeDidn’tDiscountDouble-CheckOurselvesBeforeWeDiscountDouble-WreckedOurselves
Bear Down Baffa 
Leave a comment