Bear Down Baffa

Jesus would be rolling over in his grave.  If he hadn’t risen from the dead, I mean.  Sure, the Bears were in PFTD (Playing For The Draft) mode, but this was a debacle of biblical proportions.  And its Moses was Matt “5 Picks” Barkley and his 5 picks.  Our D also threw some Judas in there with 0 sacks and 0 takeaways, allowing 41 points.  But for the Bears to get Trestman-ed like this the day before Christ’s birth is a mortal sin.  And anyone who took time away from Jesus to watch it is complicit, and therefore, guilty by association.  So yes, the Bears just made you sin on the day Mary’s holy water broke.  But sin, son of God and Mary’s vajayjay aside, there is an upside – we actually gained ground in the draft.  You like that?!

“5 Picks” was like Secret Santa to Washington’s secondary

The Low Down
We were never in this one.  We managed to score 21 points, punted just once, and Barkley threw for 319 yards – but that was all possible because of everything else he did, which was all bad.  Our lone punt came on our 1st possession (a 3-and-out, of course).  Next, we failed to score with a 1st-and-goal at the 4 when Barth “Every Other Kick” Bag got his FG attempt blocked.  But it wasn’t until our 3rd drive, the 1st play of the 2nd quarter, that “5 Picks” threw his 1st INT.  We fell behind 17-0 shortly thereafter, and I headed to the burbs for dinner.

Barkley’s 1st INT – yes, he threw it right into triple coverage

No, it wasn’t until the 2nd half that Barkley really got his PFTD mojo working.  And apparently, once he gets it going, not even he can stop it.  By the time I got to the burbs, and for the 2nd week in a row, he turned it over on 4 straight drives.  Starting with his 3rd pass of the half, “5 Picks” threw 4 picks in a string of 12 passes while completing just 4.  So in that stretch, which lasted into the 4th quarter, Washington caught literally as many Barkley passes as did Bears receivers.  And the ground.

Hey Barkley, how many INT’s you gonna throw in the 2nd half?
Barkley:  “How many fingers am I holding up?  Duh!”

Did “5 Picks” make another late comeback-but-come-up-short?  Absolutely.  And he had help from the top.  After cutting the lead to 13 with 1:20 left, Coach Fox started calling timeouts in an empty stadium on Washington’s last drive.  I remember thinking, “What the hell is he stopping the clock for?”  Apparently, so was Washington.  On the 1st play after his 2nd timeout, they broke free for a 61-yard TD run, reaching 41 points.  So we lost by 20 for the 2nd time all season, and the 1st time at home.  And if you ask me, it was more like a celebration of Christ’s crucifixion than his birth.

I can’t remember which INT this was – there were just so many

Outlook
Despite El Doce’s throwing “Doce” (12) picks in just over 200 passes this year, we do have plenty to be optimistic about.  The 49ers (2-13) and Jagbags (3-12) both won this week.  Ha-ha, what losers!  Even Cleveland (1-14) won.  Those dummies!  We can’t catch the Browns for the #1 pick, but if the 9ers win next week and we (3-12) lose, we could be looking at a tie – for the #2 muthafukin pick, yawl!

“5 Picks” acknowledging his 2nd straight PFTD Award
(* Now called the Barkley Award)

Now, if the Bears win Sunday, we could also lose ground.  The Rams and Jets (both 4-11) could catch us from behind, and JAX could lose, so we could wind up drafting as late as 6th.  But that win would secure our season-long run of 5 LLLW’s since the pre-season.  So there’s a lot on the line in our meaningless game in Minnesota next Sunday.  I’m anxious to see who will win the Barkley Award!

Would this jamoke quit looking at the camera
and find a god damned Bear receiver already?!

Quotes of Note
Fox Announcers after Barkley’s 2nd INT:  “And you wonder whether Barkley should’ve thrown the ball.” ~ Wait, still?  You’re still wondering?  No.  The answer is no, he shouldn’t have thrown the ball.

Fox Announcers, literally 1 second before his 5th INT:  “It’s all about consistency and judgment.  If you continue to throw costly interceptions for your team, you’re not gonna be the starting QB.” ~ It was like Barkley was waiting for him to finish his sentence so he could throw #5 in peace.

Cody “My Pubes Are Riddled With” Whitehair to D-Lineman:
“Barkley said he’s gonna throw his next pick to that guy, #24.”

Comcast’s Alex Brown: “You could see from his first couple passes, he was just way off…I think the turnovers is what got me…I didn’t see that coming.” ~ Really, Alex?  You didn’t see a guy doing exactly what he did last week again one week later?

Comcast’s Lance Briggs: “They stunk it up.  They didn’t come out here to win a game.” ~ See, Coach Fox, that is how you deny PFTD.

Cutler, Barkley look to see who’s leading the team in INT’s this year

Comcast’s Kip Lewis:  “And to show how smart I was, I’ve been the guy that’s been touting Matt Barkley.  I said this might be the guy.”  A moment later to Moon Mullin, while dragging Moon into his shit pile: “We both thought the same thing.  I actually told everyone I know, I said we think the Bears are going to win this game.  I just knew it, for sure.” ~ His analysis is as abysmal as the 5 picks from “5 Picks.”

Comcast’s Jim Miller:  “Obviously the turning point was the second half.  You’re not doing your defense any favors.  Those guys were kinda hung out to dry on (that) side of the ball…Every one of those pics, they were bad.” ~ LOL, he makes it sound like the defense actually played defense!

Trump isn’t even in yet, and they’re already allowing players to GEBTP
(* INT #3)

Miller: “They (Washington) stink on defense.  I can’t stress that enough, how bad that defense is.  And we made them look like all stars today…I just don’t understand because they stink.  They’re 29th in the NFL.  That is not a good defense.  It shows you where the Bears are offensively at the QB spot.” ~ Which is why the Bears organization will keep this kid under contract until he dies.

Miller:  “For me, all around bad football…Just when you think they can’t sink any lower…I mean, this was an absolute plunker…They played a bad, bad football game today.” ~ I’m surprised he didn’t mention the 2 dropped passes by Dan “The Man” Brown (but not ‘the man’ as in ‘great guy,’ more like ‘the man’ as in ‘the man is keeping us down’).

We couldn’t decide, so Dan “The Man” Brown gets 3 captions:

1. “The Man” was a close 2nd for this week’s
Barkley Award, but he sold it too hard

2. There’s being a pussy, and there’s playing like a pussy –
and then there’s both.  Here’s both.

3. Kill Whitey!
(* What “The Man” thought he heard)

Coach Fox, when asked if he would potentially look at David “Foupey” Fales next week: “No.” ~ Hell no, right Coach?  I mean, he could totally bomb and do something crazy – like throw 5 INT’s, right?

Fox: “They’re a very high octane offense…We were gonna try to keep them off the field.  I think the 5 giveaways kinda spoiled that plan.” ~ Wait, isn’t that the very definition of throwing someone under the bus?

Coach Fox:  “I swear ref, I didn’t grab anyone by the pussy!”
Ref:  “Coach, we called Holding on number 73.”

Fox, when told 18,000 people bought tickets and didn’t show, and asked what his message was to fans: “Hang with us.  Better days are to come.  We see improvement.  It’s not maybe in our record, but I think we’re closer than people think.” ~ Wait for it…

Fox, when subsequently told, “I think you said that at the end of last year:” “I think we’re way better positioned to be in striking distance moving forward.” ~ You may be drafting right after Cleveland, Coach.  How well-positioned can you be?

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

BEAR DOWN?

#TheBarkleyAward

#CanBarkleyThrow6Picks?

#CouldJesusThrow6Picks?

#CouldJesusOrBarkleyThrow6Pick6s?

#PFTD

#LLLWx5

Buddy the Elf – after an adult beverage.
And maybe something illicit as well.

© 2016

This entry was posted on Mon, Dec 26, 2016 at 12:13 am and is filed under e) 2016 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.