The Bears kicked off 2017 with a bang, going to Minnesota with one thing in mind in an otherwise meaningless game: PFTD (Playing for the Draft). It’s not only the one game we’ve mastered, it’s the only game we know how to play. And play it we did, to the tune of our 4th straight loss, and our worst record (3-13) in franchise history. With Matt “5 Picks” Barkley leading the way, we committed 5 turnovers – 1 of which led to a Minni score. And he did it all on just 14 passes, so he really made the most of his opportunities. But with the loss, we move up to the #3 overall pick in the draft for the first time in my lifetime. Maybe Trump is making American great again after all!
Barkley, the guy in Chicago least interested in the ’17 draft –
also the guy that helped Chicago the most in the ’17 draft
The Low Down
“El Doce” wasted no time in going to the PFTD plan, throwing a pick on just his 2nd pass of the game. And his teammates followed suit, as Jeremy “Yes, I’m Still Here” Langford fumbled on the 2nd play of our next possession. On our 3rd drive, we managed to hang onto the ball long enough to punt (a whole 3 plays), but just like last week, we trailed 17-0 early in the 2nd quarter. Everyone, except Barkley, started checking the Jacksonville game.
Barkley: “Hey, did you hear anything about me getting benched?”
We managed to score on our next drive, but it took 8 minutes, 17 plays, a 4th-and-6 conversion, and a WR throwing a TD pass to our QB. And it’s effect was short-lived. After forcing Minni to punt, we fumbled the return, and Minni quickly scored. We squeezed in our only other points on our next drive, but only because we returned the kickoff 64 yards. We only had time for 1 play, or Barkley probably would’ve turned it over. After 1 of his measly 10 completions, we settled for a FG – despite being at their 10 with a few seconds left on the clock.
Barkley: “Seriously, you guys, you gotta tell me if you hear anything.”
Barkley started the 2nd half just like the 1st – with a pick on our opening drive. We turned it over on downs on our next possession, while the Vikings scored again to start the 4th quarter. But “El Doce” wasn’t done. For his grand finale, he got strip-6’ed: sacked, stripped, and Minni returned the fumble for a TD. This gave the Vikes 2 TD’s in just over 2 minutes, and pushed the lead to 28 – which turned out to be our largest deficit of the season.
Barkley, after strip-6: “Maybe I’m giving them
more PFTD power than they can handle?”
Coach Fox, who clearly thought “5 Picks and Strip-6” was giving them more PFTD power than they could handle, turned to David “Foupy” Fales, even though Fox said “No” just last week when asked if he’d go with Fales. Foupy, seeing his 1st NFL game action ever, got sacked and then punted. Quickly. Twice. But he didn’t turn it over. Incidentally, Fales lost his #12 jersey to “El Doce,” so he upgraded to wearing McMahon’s #9. And he cut his hair. So if you ask me, Foupy is already having a banner 2017!
The O-Line educating Fales on our well-oiled PFTD machine
Jordan “We Predict He’ll Win Rookie Of The Year” Howard broke the Bears’ rookie rushing records for yards in a season (1,313), and 100-yard games (7). He also beat Forte’s record by 75 yards on 64 fewer carries, doubling Forte’s 2.6 average per carry (5.2). That not only makes him lightning in a bottle, it makes him the only positive thing we have stored in a bottle. I haven’t mentioned him much lately – I suppose for the same reason that a little person with a limp and a lisp doesn’t brag about his one good eye.
Our lone bright spot – other than THE #3 SPOT IN THE DRAFT!
Is Barth Bag As Good As Gould?
How could we close the season without tallying up our kicking game? Well, Connor “I Think I’m Gonna” Barth finished 18/23 (78.3%) in FG’s, which is better than Gould in 2014, but not in 2015. Gould went 10/10 with the Giants this year, but he only played 10 games. Barth Face was 31/32 in PAT’s this year. Gould also missed 1 PAT in both 2014 and 2015, and he was 20/23 this year, missing 2 against us. So I’m calling it a wash.
Overall this season, Barth Bag was 89%, Gould was 91%, and
holder O’Donnell was 100% – in keeping his GEBTP hand clean
So, Just How Bad Is Barkley?
It’s difficult to compare QB’s in different systems, under different OC’s, and with different personnel. But our QB’s have all played in the same crappy system, with the same crappy OC, and the same crappy receivers. And since they all had depleted defenses, played mostly from behind, had solid run support, and were new to the system, it’s about as fair a comparison as you can make. So, here are our 2016 Bear QB stats:
Not a keeper amongst the almost $20 Million between them
Outlook
Jax lost (despite having a lead with 0:09 left), so we tied them at 3-13. But we take the Strength of Schedule tie-breaker from them, so, we’re drafting #3 overall! Our PFTD program worked about as well as it could have this year, and Bears fans across the globe are celebrating this feat. Here’s one of them:
Just like our Bears, this one can’t seem to hold onto the ball
So, the 2017 draft will be the highest the Bears have picked in 45 years, dating back to February, 1972. The only times the Bears have drafted #2 were in ’39 and ’51, and the only times we’ve picked #1 were in ’41 and ’47. And we’ve only drafted #3 on 4 occasions. So drafting this high is a generational event for Chicago. Here’s a look at the Bears’ all-time top-3 picks:
Did you know we’ve only had a top-3 pick 8 times?
Quotes of Note
Comcast’s Jim Miller: “A bad play can lead to a bad series, which can lead to a bad quarter, which can lead to a bad half, which can lead to a bad game. That all unfolded for Matt Barkley today. He could not stop the bleeding.” ~ Jimbo, we’re PFTD, bro. We’re PFTD.
Barkley came up short on his pre-game goal of throwing 6 picks
Miller, on Barkley, in case he wasn’t clear in his last quote: “He unraveled last week, and he unraveled this week. That is not what you want at the QB position. I don’t think he is even in the consideration anymore.” ~ Apparently Jim hasn’t met the McCaskeys. Barkley will be re-signed to a 10-year deal with $100M guaranteed. Watch.
In an effort to increase turnovers, the Turn-inator
practices holding the ball on the bottom in warmups
Comcast’s Lance Briggs: “There’s nothing more frustrating than a QB that throws an INT where everybody on the sidelines says, ‘Where was he throwing the ball?’” ~ And Briggs is pretty stupid, so if he thinks it’s obvious, it MUST be a bad pass.
Fales: “Just 2 drives, fellas. 2 drives with 0 turnovers is all I’m asking.”
Comcast’s Chris Boden, on Barkley: “Perhaps the added irony is that, in the 3 games he had Alshon Jeffery back from suspension, he committed 12 turnovers.” ~ Chris, you could put Jerry Rice, LeBron James and a Dyson vacuum out there, and he’d still turn it over. And the only thing ironic about that is that you’re getting paid to use the word irony incorrectly.
Barkley: “Dude, I have something lodged in my throat.
Wait, I think it’s the football! Nope, it’s my pink slip.”
Boden: “There’s a lot more than just a #3 overall pick that this team needs right now.” ~ Yes, and 1 of them is a new crew at Comcast Sports, Chrissy!
Bears fans realize we moved up to the #3 spot in the draft
Barkley: “My goal…is to be consistent, and to get those guys around me to be more consistent to where we’re all on the same page…I’m really excited to get back to work.” ~ Uhm, I think he thinks he’s coming back, yo.
Barkley: “Not one of those dicks told me I was getting benched.
I’m gonna be so mad if they don’t tell me I’m getting cut, too.”
BEAR DOWN?
#BearsAreDraftingNumber3Yawl!
#SomeoneHasToTellBarkleyHe’sNotComingBack.NotIt!
#PFTD
© 2017
Bear Down Baffa 
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