Bear Down Baffa

The new Bears feel a lot like the old ones.  It’s like a recurring nightmare:  our solid defense keeps us in it, and our “eh” offense takes us right out of it.  Trailing 23-17 with 3:18 left, Mike “ESPN 8 – The Ocho” Glennon drove 72 yards to set up a 1st-and-goal at the 6.  But then he threw 3 straight incompletions before getting sacked to end the game where he should’ve been during it – sitting on his ass.  As if almost instinctively, like his predecessors before him, he’s already steered us into last place.  Apparently, the “Win Now” phase has been put on hold until further notice.

Glennon high-fiving Atlanta’s D to congratulate them on the win

The Low Down
Despite coming off our worst season in franchise history (or what Trump would call “A very, very big season that many people are talking about, believe me”), the Bears drummed up some excitement heading into 2017.  But that’s over now.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some glimmers of hope.  Like our defense.  Or our new 5-foot-6 RB, Tarik “I Don’t Even Reach Glennon’s Shoulder Pads” Cohen, who set the Bears rookie record for all-purpose yards (158) in his first NFL game.  OK, that’s it for the glimmers of hope.

Think it’s hard to tackle Cohen?  Try running like him!

No, it doesn’t take a Hubble telescope to see the black hole that the Chicago Bears have become.  With the Ocho at the helm, the only thing we’re capable of doing is sucking at everything in sight.  Now, with merely a casual glance, even the visually impaired can see a franchise full of mass – but without any light.  There’s light in there, in the form of a star, but no one can see it because it hasn’t been allowed to play yet.  I mean shine.  It hasn’t been allowed to shine yet.

Truby Tuesday – all dressed up and nowhere to throw

Sure, Glennon’s Bear debut wasn’t bad.  He went 26 of 40 (65%) for 213 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT’s, 4 sacks, and an 86.8 QBR, which is way better than anyone thought he’d do (including him).  But it wasn’t enough to get the win, which surprised absolutely no one (also including him).  I just can’t help but wonder what “Lt. Pete” Mitchell Trubisky would’ve done in his place, and how much he could’ve learned had he gotten the chance to run our 64 offensive plays.

Glennon: “Mom, tell him to quit blocking my warm-up throws.”
Trubisky: “I’m not blocking your warm-up throws.”

Tenure Update
Well it didn’t take long for our top 10 in tenure to change.  In addition to dumping Chris “Semi-Pro” Prosinski (hip hip horray!), the Bears also released Lamarr “No, I Didn’t Tear An ACL Celebrating A Sack In Yesterday’s Loss” Houston and Ka’Deem “I’ve Been Ka’Deemed Expendable” Carey – formerly our 4th and 8th most tenured guys.  So we’re down to 8 players from the old regime, meaning Pace and Fox have now overhauled 85% of our roster since their takeover in Jan. 2015.  And that can only be a good thing.

Akiem “I’ve Been Ka’Deemed Irreplaceable” Hicks is pleased with
our roster – he just signed our largest current deal (4 yr/$48M)

Doubtlook
It’s bad.  All bad.  Not that the whole team is bad, just the prospect of winning.  That’s really bad.  Well, at least until they let the Troubadour loose.

They must’ve spoken highly of Trubisky on Fox news last week
(because only old people watch Fox news, get it?)

Quotes of Note
Michael Wilbon on Kevin “Injured Reserve” White:  “They threw Brandon Marshall out and drafted a guy that can’t stay on the field.  This is one of the many bad decisions that management has made.” ~ The Bears are down to exactly 2 healthy first-round picks (Fuller and Floyd).

White broke his collarbone trying to stiff-arm the active roster

Glennon on Cohen:  “The secret’s out…he’s a play-maker, and we’re lucky to have him.” ~ Then why didn’t you let him try to make a play on any of your FOUR chances to win it from the 6, Ocho?!

1 of Glennon’s last 3 incompletions – dropped by Josh “I Also
Dropped A Game-Winner In The End Zone Last Year” Bellamy

Coach Fox on the loss: “Like our old football team, we played pretty well, but not quite good enough.” ~ And like our “old” coach, he gives pretty good answers to questions about why we suck, but they’re not quite good enough.

Another of those incompletions – dropped by
Jordan “I Catch Passes As Well As Ron” Howard

Fox on Glennon: “We’ve got room for improvement everywhere.” ~ Yeah, including the process you use to select your starting QB, coach!

Coach “What The Fuck You Lookin’ At?” Fox was said to be
“a wrinkly, old prick” to the press after Sunday’s game

BEAR DOWN?

OK, I guess we’re still Bearing Down then

#StillBearingDown

© 2017

This entry was posted on Mon, Sep 11, 2017 at 5:22 pm and is filed under d) 2017 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.