Well, Mike “ESPN 8 – The Ocho” Glennon wasted no time in chunking this one. It took him less than ocho minutes, and less than ocho plays, to hand GB the lead in the Bears-Packers rivalry for the first time in ocho decades. The Bears led the series from inception (1921) until 1930, won it back again in 1933, and then dominated for 60 years. After going on a 30-9 run in the 1940’s and 50’s, our lead peaked at 24 games in 1960, and again in 1992 after Bret Fahrvergnügen lost his series debut. But since then, GB has gone 38-13. And as of Thursday night, our run is over. After a franchise-worst 3-13 season last year, this has to be rock bottom. And so I have to ask – how much worse could Trubisky really make us?
We’re considering some new nicknames for Ocho: Hot Potato,
Fumble Knees, Janeane Giraffalo, or Giraffe-Face McTurnover
The Low Down
We won the coin toss, deferred, and the Pack took the ball – so we were already giving it to them before the game even started. GB then marched down the field like they had reservations in our end zone and didn’t want their fried cheese to get cold. Our response? Ocho was stripped on his first snap, giving it right back to the Pack at our 3 (CBS’s Jim “Fancy Pants” Nantz: “What a brutal way to start for the Bears”). GB scored 3 plays later (Nantzy: “That’s 2 TD’s in 53 seconds”), taking a 14-0 lead just 6 minutes in. We had run 1 play, and the game was already ocho. I mean, over. It was already over.
All the C’s on Giraffalo’s uni stand for: “See, I told you I suck!”
The game might’ve been over, but Glennon was just warming up. He fumbled again on our next drive, booting a shotgun snap all the way into the defensive backfield with his gangly giraffe knees. I’d never seen that before – a live ball just laying downfield with no one around it. It was Ocho’s 2nd turnover in just 7 plays (CBS’s Tony Romo: “Ahh, terrible start for Chicago”). But Romo hadn’t seen anything yet. Romo don’t know Ocho.
Glennon: “Would you guys quit calling me Giraffe-Face
McTurnover and help me find the ball – I fumbled again.
Wait, how’d the ball get all the way over there?!”
Ocho waited until the second quarter (and the 45-minute lightning delay passed) before throwing an INT (Pantzy: “That’s the 3rd giveaway by Glennon this half”). Not wanting to slow Ocho down, GB took just 2 plays to make it 21-0, and got the ball right back in his hands in case the Bears were planning to pull him soon. Even Romo was calling for Trubisky (“He’s thinking right now that he’s got a chance to play today”), and Romo just lost his job to a rookie. And there were still 4 minutes left in the first half. AND Glennon still wasn’t done turning it over!
Jesus, when they said Glennon was “shitting all
over the field,” I didn’t think they meant literally!
As if deferring didn’t hurt enough, when we got the ball to start the second half, Connor “I Think I’m Gonna” Barth missed another FG (he’s 74% as a Bear, folks). After another Pack TD, Ocho threw his 2nd pick (Romo: “Glennon over-shoots the receiver, and it goes right into the hands of the defender”), and then GB made it 35-7 on their next drive. It was Ocho’s 4th turnover in 9 drives, and his 8th in 4 games. He’s on pace for 32, which would be the most by a Bear since Sid “The Turnover Kid” Luckman’s 33 in 1947. So what, exactly, is Glennon doing that the Troubadour can’t?
Trubisky: “Raise your hand and say ‘what’ if you suck.”
Glennon: “What?”
Doubtlook
It’s only week 4, and we’re already 2.5 games out – sitting alone in fourth place. Overall, we’ve now lost 7 of 8 (.125), 20 of 25 (.200), 31 of 41 (.244), and 39 of 54 (.278). And Fox’s losses are piling up quickly, with his Bear record falling to 10-26 (.278). As an organization, it’s almost as if we have no business putting a team on the field at all. Seriously, how much worse could Trubisky really make us?
You’ll have to excuse us – things are a little
upside-down for the franchise right now…
If there’s ever been a time to go to the bullpen, this is it. We happen to have our highest drafted player in 45 years sitting on our Gatorade cooler, healthy and rested. Shit, at this point, I’d settle for Mark “Dirty Butt Fumble” Sanchez – we just have to do SOMETHING. Our staff predicted that “Lt. Pete” Mitchell would start game 5, which is a week from Monday night. And we see no evidence to suggest we’re wrong. We still believe that this game is our last chance to save our season – and that that will only happen if Truby Tuesday gets the nod. So…
Even Lambeau was chanting: “Tru-by! Tru-by! Tru-by!”
Quotes of Note
Comcasts’s Alex Brown: “When we’re talking about making changes for the next game, there’s only one guy that really stands out. Like, wow, this guy definitely didn’t help us win tonight. And that was Mike Glennon.” ~ He gone!
The Pack’s stranglehold on the rivalry won’t be letting up
anytime soon – at least not until we send in the Troubs!
BEAR DOWN?
#RedRoverRedRoverSendTrubiskyOver
#HowMuchWorseCouldTrubiskyReallyMakeUs?
#RomoDontKnowOcho
#LikeMostOfYouISatOnMyButtForTheAnthem
© 2017
Bear Down Baffa 
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