Well, there’s one thing Mitchell “The Biscuit” Trubisky’s NFL debut wasn’t: boring. It also wasn’t great, good, or unBearslike. But what was arguably the most exciting Bear loss in decades, this game had it all – except, of course, the W. But come on, you weren’t expecting this kid to be Tom Brady, were you? In his first game!? I’m just glad he didn’t die, which is where I set the bar, and now we have something to build on. Until now, it’s been like watching The Revolution open for Prince – everyone’s really just waiting for Prince to come out. And that’s what Trubisky is – he’s our Prince. And our Revolution. He’s our little red corvette. Our raspberry beret. Sure, he didn’t party like it’s 1999, but he is a sexy mf’er. And he would. Die 4. U.
This is what it looks like when doves cry
The Low Down
It started slowly. Like, slow motion slowly. 9 of the first 10 drives ended in punts, and the 1 that didn’t was a Safety (which is, of course, then punted). We weren’t scoring, but we were moving it better than the Vikes, as our defense was just owning Minni. We held them to 3 straight 3-and-outs (the third was the Safety at the end of the first quarter), and then forced 2 more punts, allowing just 29 net yards on their first 5 drives. And so, for almost the entire second quarter, we led 2-0. At that point, I’d be lying if the thought of a 2-0 final score hadn’t occurred to me as both plausible and desirable.
Minni also benched a QB wearing numero Ocho –
the kind you find in a second hand store
After also punting on our first 5 drives, we finally broke the streak. With just 2:30 left in the half, Trubisky was strip-sacked on our first play of the possession. This gave the Vikes the ball at our 13, and they kicked a FG a minute later to take a 3-2 lead into the half. I’m not naming names, but the Trubes blew that lead all by himself. He looked more like Fred Armisen impersonating Prince than he looked like the actual Prince. But in the second half, as if purified by the waters of Lake Minnetonka, the offense would open up for both sides.
Of the 37 combined points, 29 came during an 11-minute window in the third quarter. Despite us starting our 4th-string LB due to injuries (John “I Usually Rock My Ponytail On The Practice Squad” Timu), our defense stood fast – for exactly 36 minutes. In the 37th, Timu went down. And on the next play, the Vikings scored their first TD. From that point on, with no legit play-caller on D, the Bears looked like a pre-season team. Players weren’t lined up for snaps, were noticeably out of position, and blew assignments as if they’d just attended a DB Camp run by Chris’s Conte and Prosinski.
No, Timu didn’t hurt himself on this celebration,
but it did look like he was trying pretty hard!
But we responded (though it wasn’t offensively). Sure, Trubisky drove us into Viking territory, but after coming up short yet again, we lined up to punt for the 7th time in 8 possessions. And then, as uncharacteristically as possible, the Chicago Bears ran a fake punt – and it worked! Pat “When I Kick And Pass We’ll Have More Fun” O’Donnell connected on a short pass to Bennie “Hill” Cunningham, who took it 38 yards to the house. So Mitchy the Biscuit wasn’t even the first Bear to throw a TD pass in a game he started. Talk about stealing his (purple) thunder!
Cunningham just wants your extra time and your…kiss
But Truby would get his. Despite our Timu-less defense letting the Vikes come down and score another TD, Trubisky reached the endzone for his first TD pass on our next drive. It wasn’t pretty – in fact, it was downright ugly. He threw it from the 25, and it should’ve been intercepted, but was tipped at the goal line instead. And then it floated into the end zone like a routine fly ball to Zach “No, I’m Not Hurt Yet – I Know, I Can’t Believe It Either!” Miller, who cradled it like he was catching one of Coach Fox’s great-great-grandchildren.
Apparently, Viking DB Rhodes was too busy seeing Miller
laughing in the Purple Rain to knock this one down
And the Troubadour wasn’t done. Down by 2, we went for the 2-point conversion, and it was ANOTHER trick play! This was some kind of flea-flick/option pitch from the TE that led to a QB TD trot. The ball went from our Center, Cody “I Like Coach Fox’s Beard Because It’s Comprised Almost Entirely Of” Whitehair, to Truby, to Jordan “Van Der Sloot” Howard, to Miller, and then back to Biscuit, who ran it in untouched from the 5. Even ESPN’s Jon Gruden said he’d never seen that play before. We can only hope it’s a sign of more tomtrickery to come, because we ain’t getting it done without that this year.
Truby: “I never meant to cause you any sorrow,
I never meant to cause you any pain.”
And then our defense came up big, forcing a punt. But Trubisky responded with a 3-and-out. We forced another punt out of Minni – their 7th – and we got the ball back with the score still tied. And again, with 2:30 left, on the first play of the possession, el Truberino threw his first pick, which gave the Vikings the ball on our 30. They ran out the clock, kicked another FG to take the lead back, and left us just 0:12 to mount a comeback. It was their second FG off of a short field, giving them 6 points directly due to Truby turnovers – which would normally really sting in a 3-point loss.
The only ones pleased with Trubisky’s performance were bookies
that gave the Bears +2.5 pts, Mrs. Trubisky, and Minni’s kicker
Truby finished 12 for 25 (48%) for 128 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 1 fumble, 1 sack, and a 60.1 QBR. It was a very Ocho-esque day, but Ocho’s had 22 more starts than Mitchell, so we’re gonna let this one slide. I don’t know when we can “expect” him to lead us to victory, but it should be sometime this season. Hopefully it’ll be later than sooner so we can draft him some receivers to throw to for next year!
Unlike Prince, with Bear QB’s, the picks just keep on coming
Doubtlook
Our QB scored only 2 more points than he personally gave away. Two trick plays accounted for over half of our points. And our longest offensive play this season is a pass from our (fricken) Punter. Added to which, with our LB core depleted, there’s a rumor going around that Glennon will be suiting up at LB next week. I think it makes sense, as he’s due almost $13M more this season. He can just stand up like the giraffe that he is, and waive his giraffe arms around like it’s mating season in the Sahara.
Ocho: ” I’ve never even played defense. What do I do?”
Truby: “You’re the giraffe, how should I know? Just go like this.”
At 1-4, we’re now 3.5 games out of the division, and 2.5 out of the wild card. And we’re 14th (out of 16) in the NFC. The only teams behind us are both 0-5 (SF & NYG), and each of them has a smaller point differential than the Bears (meaning they’re scoring more and/or allowing less than even we are). But hey, at least we’ve got the QB thing figured out. He might have a lot to learn, but we’ve got him. FINALLY! We just need a WR. Or three.
Trubes: “OK, which one of you dickheads can catch a football!?”
Quotes of Note
ESPN’s Louis Riddick, on the trick play: “(The Bears) are playing with house money. What do they have to lose? Nobody’s really expecting them to do anything.” ~ Oh, no you di-in’t!
I’m not saying that Truby plays like Favre, but he does
celebrate like him. So be on the lookout for dick picks.
Comcast’s Jim Miller, on the Biscuit’s late INT: “Aaron Rodgers, his first four 2-minute drives in the NFL – go look – they all ended up in interceptions.” ~ Great, so he’s got at least 3 more blown game-winning drives coming?!
Glennon: “Hey Mitch, I’m hungry. What do giraffes eat? I heard the
giraffe with the longest neck always gets the most food. BTW, can I
get a ride home? My wife took my car away ’cause I got benched.”
Trubisky, on the 2-point conversion: “Yeah, sweet right?!” ~ Yeah, bro, it’s totally sweet. Totally f-ing sweet! (It should be noted that I actually used to proudly call things “f-ing sweet” when I was Truby’s age)
Sometimes even I am embarrassed by Bear fans – and I just
admitted to proudly calling things “f-ing sweet” 25 years ago!
Leonard “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’” Floyd, when asked about Bisquick: “I don’t really watch the offense, I be focused on the defense.” ~ I be liking that answer.
Truby’s dad finally answered the question we’ve all been asking –
yes, Mitchell is a polack!
Coach Fox, on Trubisky: “He’s got what it takes, there’s no doubt in my mind…he’s gonna do nothing but get better.” ~ Well yes, when he gets a new head coach next year, he’ll be so much better.
Fox: “I didn’t say week 5, BearDownBaffa said it. Blame them!”
Bearing Down On Bearing Down
I must say, I appreciate the overwhelming amount of attention I’ve received since accurately predicting the exact day Truby would make his first start. I keep telling people, hey, there’s only 16 games – anyone could’ve guessed it. But they all insist on explaining that I only had a 6.25% chance of guessing it right, and to do so publicly really put our blog’s credibility at risk. Hearing this over and over reminded me why I do this – because you want me on this blog, you need me on this blog.
You love this picture, and this caption – that’s why you’re here!
Yes, you come here for the analysis you can’t get anywhere else. Well, that, and because it’s free. But mostly because of the serious level of Bearing Down our blog does – whether we win (yeah, right!) or lose. For example, did you happen to notice that we have worn navy jerseys with our opponents wearing white for 5 straight weeks, and for 7 of our last 8 games? Yeah, you can’t get this shit anywhere else, folks. And we both know it. So I just wanted to say you’re all welcome.
To honor my prediction, Miller dedicated this dance to me
BEAR DOWN!
#StillBearingDown
#TrubiskyOrBust
#ProtectTrubiskysPocket
#IKneelForTheAnthemForTrubisky
#J/K-IKneelForTheAnthemBecauseIHaveLoganPaulsonsDisease
#YouWantMeOnThisBlogYouNeedMeOnThisBlog
© 2017
Bear Down Baffa 
Leave a comment