Cam Newton thinks he’s Superman. But while I’m fairly certain Superman wouldn’t lose a Super Bowl if he really played in one, Bear rookie Eddie “12 Points In 12 Minutes” Jackson was the only player on either team to reach the endzone Sunday. And he did it twice – both from 75 yards, both on defense, and both in just 11½ minutes. He got his 1st before Trubisky even took a snap, and we only ran 11 plays before his 2nd (though we did find time to miss a FG). And as Jackson netted almost as many yards as our offense and special teams combined, Truby put on a tie and glasses, climbed into a phone booth, and got the hell out of the way. And while he was in there, he made a call about the NFL playoff schedule. Yeah, that’s right, I said playoffs.
Newton watches Jackson run off with his cape – and 6 points
The Low Down
Jackson touched the ball just twice (a Fumble-6 and a Pick-6), yet he out-scored both offenses. Combined. By more than a TD. The rest of our defense pitched in too, getting 5 sacks and 3 takeaways, as Danny “The Good Singletary” Trevathan also got an INT (though he didn’t return it 75 yards). We held the Panthers to just 3 points despite Carolina running 69 plays (almost twice as many as our 37), and we limited them to the same average gain per play as us (4 yards). That means our D made the 2015 MVP look as inept as our offense – and we did it for 70 straight plays.
Jackson scooped up the Bear’s season – and took it to the house!
Speaking of our inept offense, after having 4 different guys throw a TD pass in our last 3 games, nobody threw any this week. And not only did we not reach the endzone, our offense scored just 3 points while netting just 150 yards. In 9 possessions, we punted 6 times, and 5 of those were 3-and-outs. Here are our drives: 3ao, missed FG, FG, 5 straight 3ao’s, and then we knelt to run out the clock. Shockingly, if Jackson hadn’t scored, this still would’ve gotten us a tie in regulation.
Not even Jordan “Dude, I Almost Always Score” Howard scored
The Troubadour finished a “basic bitch” 4/7 for 107 yards, 0 TD’s, and 0 giveaways, but for the 3rd straight game, his QBR (a “WTF?” 101.8!) bested the opposing team’s starting QB. And if you take away Truby’s 70-yard pass in the 2nd quarter (which led to our lone FG), he would’ve been a (much worse) “nickel bitch” 3/6 for 37 yards – but his 69.4 QBR still would’ve beaten Cam’s 54.9. Did Trubes win this one for us? Absolutely not. But you know what he DIDN’T do? He didn’t try to do too much, he didn’t turn it over, and he didn’t LOSE it for us. And he didn’t do those things for about $825k less than Ocho, who did them all.
The $825k aside, I think Giraffe Arm’s giraffe arm
might’ve been able to get this ball across the goal line
The Bears’ “K.C. 2-Step”
When the Bears get an early lead, and we can run the ball (or better put, we don’t HAVE to throw it), we win. It’s like the 2015 K.C. Royals’s 2-step process: get an early lead, then shorten the game with a lockdown bullpen to hold on for the win. But that’s much easier said than done, of course. We’ve got our lockdown defense, but an offense that scores early comes along about as often as a Sasquatch riding a unicorn (and even if one did, it would probably be allergic to Chicago). So what do we do about step #1?
Apparently Superman is vulnerable to kryptonite AND lockdown D’s
The Bear’s organization is unique. When we get a lockdown D, we take the “K.C. Two-Step” to another level: we use our D to lock it down, AND to get the early lead. This way, we can just keep our offense completely out of the equation. And as long as they don’t do anything to “f” it up (FIU), we win. The ’85 Bears did it 18 times. Truby Tuesday’s already done it twice. That’s what the father of Kristin Cavallari’s 3 kids couldn’t do – he couldn’t not FIU. But el Truberino can not FIU like nobody’s business, believe me.
Look at Truby not FIU-ing like a boss!
Outlook
You have to stop the leak before you start pumping the water out, and our leak is now officially stopped. The Bears (3-4) have already won as many games as last season, we just won 2 in a row for the first time in 2 years, and “Lt. Pete” Mitchell is unbeaten since losing his debut. Considering how bad things have been for the last 4½ years – right up until just a couple weeks ago – that’s a pretty dramatic turnaround. So on to pumping the water out, right?
Every time Jackson bends over now, everyone looks for a loose ball
DET (3-3) had their bye, and GB (4-3) lost (A-A-Ron must’ve forgot to tell them to relax?). So not only did we gain ground on both of them, but like the dominant hand of a gynecologist, we’re all up in their business from below. MIN (5-2) won, beating BAL (who beat us), so we lost a game in the 3rd Division Tiebreaker (DT#3, common games). But now Minni has to beat CAR to maintain that edge, and with our finally beating an NFC team, we gained a game in DT#4 (conference record). If we can continue to not FIU (as well as keep A-A on the IR), there might not be any water left to pump come January. Wait, am I talking about the “playoffs!?”
Barth Bag (who leads us in FIU-ing) prays hard to not FIU,
but God is either not listening, not answering, or both.
(BB also prayed for Jackson to let him wear Cam’s cape.)
Quotes of Note
PTI’s Micheal Wilbon, when asked if the Bears’ winning is sustainable: “It is to win that division without Rodgers. It is to get to the playoffs and maybe upset somebody.” ~ It should be noted that Wilbon is a Bear’s fan. And spot-on in his assessment.
Truby to Cam: “I’m totally wearing your cape for Halloween.”
Jackson, when told it was the 1-year anniversary of his leg break (which is why he dropped to the 4th round): “I didn’t even know that to be honest. That’s crazy. For real? Aw man, that’s crazy. I didn’t really even know that. That’s crazy.” ~ Apparently Jackson was unaware of this. And upon learning it, he found it difficult to believe.
Bear defenders now practice the “Cooper Buddy System,” whereby
spotters must confirm all TDs before celebrations may commence
Jackson, on CB Prince “Charming” Amukamara helping him score: “It was Prince…Prince made a great play, I was just able to make something happen.” ~ Every time Jackson mentioned Prince by name, I envisioned the real Prince out there – in heels, shirtless, and in between long-winded, artsy jams that no one’s listening to, trying to tackle people. And it never went well for him.
Fox to Rivera: “Hey, get your hand off my crotch, Weinstein!”
(No, it’s not too soon. I called it.)
Comcast’s Jim Miller, on Trubisky managing the game: “He needs to do more than that. I know he’s wearing the diapers right now, but we’re trying to speed this process along.” ~ If you look up the word “corny” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of Jim Miller eating corn on the cob, while pointing at poop that’s filled with pieces of pictures of Jim Miller eating corn on the cob.
Adam “The Sex Machine” Shaheen, practicing poses for
his upcoming layout in “(Not So) Tight Ends Magazine”
Trevathan: “I told Eddie, he was like germs today – he was everywhere. He got to leave something out there for me.” ~ Leave something out for you? What, like some penicillin?
White people problems. Sad.
Truby, when asked to evaluate his performance: “I thought I played really poor…(we) didn’t score as an offense, defense carries you, so you kind of feel salty that you couldn’t help out more.” ~ You go ahead and feel all the salty you want, Mitchey the Biscuit. Just don’t you go FIU-ing.
Trubisky: “Yup, I completed just 4 more
passes than you, and I won an NFL game.”
Truby, on our first-half offense: “It was hard to get into a rhythm because we really weren’t on the field…(the Panthers) were driving the ball, and then the defense would score a TD for us. So, it was kind of strange.” ~ Wait, did he just “yada yada” his defense scoring multiple TD’s in one half?!
4 completions, folks. Super Bowl, here we come!
BEAR DOWN!
Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!
#SuperBowlSuperTruby
#GetAnEarlyLeadThenDontFIU
#4CompletionsFolks
#CapeForRentContact2TDsJackson
© 2017
Bear Down Baffa 
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