Bear Down Baffa

Normally I’d consider a win like this a Christmas miracle, but Coach Fox’s Bears are anything but miraculous.  At 0-5 in our division, and 1-10 in our conference, beating the winless Browns helps them more than anyone else.  Sure, we’ve now won 2 of our last 3 by a combined score of 53-10, but that was against the 2 worst teams in the league’s 2nd weakest division.  And FYI…those 2 teams are also Playing For The Draft (PFTD), so who really “won” those games?  All this sweep does is move us back in the draft line – about one spot for each win.  So thanks, but this is one present I wish came with a gift receipt.

OK, maybe beating both teams in his home state also helps Truby

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The Bears found a way to bounce back from last week’s unsettling win, losing handily in Detroit, and improving our draft position – much like Trump’s bone spurs improved his.  But there are far more pressing matters at hand:  last Monday, our blog post ignited a firestorm the night before Alabama’s special Senate election.  As evidenced by our site’s 19,000 hits last week (see main screen, bottom right), almost the exact margin of victory, we are being credited with swinging the vote for Doug Jones.  Jones thanked us with an autographed photo of Roy Moore on horseback, though it’s not apparent in the photo if Moore is riding to a local mall or a KKK rally.  But since our post was so influential, we’re re-applying the strategy this week to bring down an equally offensive public threat:  Comcast’s Laurence Holmes.

DET spent more time in our endzone than the crew that painted it

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Well, we really blew it this time.  Leave it to the Bears to wait until no one is watching to come out firing on all cylinders.  Most of us presumed that they didn’t even HAVE all their cylinders.  But with the Bengals’ two best defenders injured, our offense took advantage like Roy Moore at a shopping mall.  With our cowboy hat, snugly-fit leather vest, and tiny pocket pistol, we preyed on Cincy like a defenseless teenager, though we did ask her mom for permission first.  And while the Bears are now off for 5 days (we play Sat.), we can only hope that Moore doesn’t strike again before tomorrow’s special Senate election in Alabama.

Trubisky to Cincinnati: “Sup, bitches?”

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Last year, accidentally beating the 49ers cost the Bears a draft spot.  And that spot cost us 3 selections, as we traded them up to draft Mitch “13 College Starts” Trubisky.  But with SF leading us in the draft pool again this year, the Bears got a chance to exact their revenge.  Whether it’s because SF now has Jimmy “2 Draft Picks Cheaper Than Truby” Garoppolo, or just because we royally suck, we were able to execute our PFTD (Playing For The Draft) plan, and snatch defeat at home.  The best part?  The Bears are so inept across so many functions that nobody can even suspect us of tanking.  Top-5 pick, here we come!

Garoppolo already has as many wins at Soldierz as the Trubes

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