Bear Down Baffa

Well, we really blew it this time.  Leave it to the Bears to wait until no one is watching to come out firing on all cylinders.  Most of us presumed that they didn’t even HAVE all their cylinders.  But with the Bengals’ two best defenders injured, our offense took advantage like Roy Moore at a shopping mall.  With our cowboy hat, snugly-fit leather vest, and tiny pocket pistol, we preyed on Cincy like a defenseless teenager, though we did ask her mom for permission first.  And while the Bears are now off for 5 days (we play Sat.), we can only hope that Moore doesn’t strike again before tomorrow’s special Senate election in Alabama.

Trubisky to Cincinnati: “Sup, bitches?”

The Low Down
Offensively, we got it on!  We gained 482 yards on 29 first downs, averaging almost 7 yards over 72 plays, and rushing for a season-high 232.  And everybody came and got a taste:  Jordan “Van Der Sloot” Howard rushed for 147 yards and 2 TDs, Tarik “Kathy Griffin Gets Her Coke From Andy” Cohen had 131 total yards on just 18 touches, and Kendall “Jenner Has 25M More Twitter Followers Than Him” Wright finally got our blog to mention him – but it took him leading us with 10 catches for 107 yards.

After carrying us all season, Cohen’s back may finally be giving out

“Lt. Pete” Mitchell, donning a new, white glove on his non-throwing (pimp) hand, completed his most passes ever, going 25 of 32 (78%) for 271 yards, 1 TD and a 112 QBR.  And not only did we commit 0 turnovers and put up 33 points (the most we’ve scored in 36 games), but Truby even scored his first TD on a 4-yard scamper.  It was such a gratuitous performance that Roy Moore’s staff called Halas Hall this morning for some pointers.

Trubes finally looks to be in complete control of our offense

Defensively, we weren’t quite Roy Moore, but we were still pretty solid.  Let’s call us Al Franken.  We got 3 sacks and 2 turnovers, and we limited Cincy to 234 total yards.  We also held Andy Dalton to a 48% completion rate, hanging a season-low 60 QBR on him.  Danny “Masterson Is Having A Worse Year Than The Bears” Trevathan led us with 10 tackles.  In the last 5 games that he’s played, we’ve gone 3-2, allowing just 13.8 points a game.  Someone better get Danny a PFTD manual quick.  Trevathan, I mean, not Masterson.

Like Moore, our D has been banned from Paul Brown Stadium

But even though we punted our fewest times (3) in 9 games, we were far from perfect.  Coach Fox lost another numbskull challenge, we allowed 2 sacks, and we committed 10 penalties for 74 yards.  And though new kicker Mike “Wang, Dang, Sweet Poontang” Nugent went 2 for 2 in FG’s, he stayed true to Bear tradition by missing his first kick, finishing just 3 of 4 on PAT’s.  The “Nuge” is making just $59K per game, further demonstrating the Bears’ acumen in Kicker Finance Management.

Like the real Nuge, apparently our Nuge is also a Nazi

Doubtlook
This win really douses our draft chances.  Of the other “bottom 11” teams, only SF, DEN and MIA won – meaning everybody else (including CIN) gained draft position on us.  Not only are we now officially out in the lottery for the #1 pick (and un-officially for the #2), but we could still technically fall as far back as #20.  And every non-playoff team picks in the top 20, so that would really suck.

Only 3 teams are 6-7, but 7 teams are tied at 7-6
(* text and chart updated after the fact to include MNF results)

One big advantage we have is that INDY still plays DEN and HOU, and WAS still plays DEN and NYG.  So those 5 teams still have to split up 4 more wins between them.  But a former advantage – that we play CLE – now can only hurt us, as the Bears could fall out of the top 10 by winning even 1 more game.  So it’s PFTDCTABHQ, or PFTD Crunch Time at Bear Headquarters!

Al Franken seems none too pleased with our dwindling draft prospects

Quotes of Note
Fox announcer:  “John Fox has had a tough time challenging plays this year…usually there’s an eye in the sky helping you out.  I don’t know if he’s getting bad information.” ~ Not only are they ripping him on common sense, they’re calling out his choice of deity as well?  Jesus!

Fox: “Come on, who double-dares me to challenge another call?!”

Fox announcer:  “The Bengals at one point led 7-6.  And then the Bears scored 27 unanswered points.” ~ I don’t think that second sentence has been uttered in literally 30 years.

Nuge: “Hey, you got a belt?  I asked for a size 1, not the number 1.”

Comcast’s Jim Miller, on Cincy’s injuries:  “Gino Atkins, one of the most disruptive DTs in the league, he’s not there.  Their leading tackler, Vontaze Burfict, he’s not there…they’re missing their 2 top guys.” ~ Welp, that explains our almost 500 total yards of offense!

Cody “Turn Around And I’ll Show You” Whitehair tries his new TD
celebration on Howard – it’s called “The Whitehair Reach-Around”

Miller:  “I wish the Bears could play the AFC North every week.” ~ Yes, we’re 3-0 against them (PIT, BAL and CIN), and we still get to play CLE.  At least now we know who to blame when we draft #19!

OMG, a Bearway to Heaven?  In Cincinnati?!

The Troubadour, on the game plan:  “We trusted the plan, went out there and let it loose…we want to start fast and finish fast.” ~ Mmmm, that’s what Roy Moore said.

Like the real Nuge, apparently our Nuge is also fond of Rock Horns

El Truberino, when asked if it was fair to say the Bears were more aggressive today:  “Sure, it’s fair to say that.  Everyone’s got opinions.” ~ Yes, and some of them think Roy Moore is fit for office.

Truby Tuesday – making the same gesture Moore
made right before he was banned from the mall

Mitchey the Biscuit, on the large Bear contingency in the crowd:  “That was awesome.  It seemed like all the Bengals fans left, and then it was just Bears fans.  I noticed that before the game, too.  It was like, ‘Wow, there’s a lot of Bears fans here!'” ~ Maybe the Cincy fans heard Roy Moore was coming?

Looks like Cincinnati’s fans are as faithful as Cleveland’s

Fox, on Trubisky’s growth: “He puts a lot into it.  He doesn’t have a day off.  He’s there 7 days a week…and you see that growth…(when he makes a mistake), he won’t make that mistake again…great players that I’ve been around, they don’t make the same mistakes.  And Mitch is in that group.” ~ That compliment would mean so much if it didn’t come from a guy just named the worst coach in Bears’ history.  Instead, it’s just sad.

Coach Fox’s version of “resting bitch face?”
“Resting senility face.”

BEAR DOWN?

Is it just me, or does OC Dowell Loggains look
like he’s really ordering some cheeseburgers?

#TheNugeIsLoose
#BearsMooredFromPaulBrownStadium
#PFTDCTABHQ
#AlFrankenIsNoneTooPleasedWithBearsDraftProspects
#TheWhitehairReachAround
#ABearwayToHeaven
#OurNugeIsAlsoARockHorningNazi
#GoBackToCincinnati,Cincinnati
#RestingSenilityFace

© 2017

This entry was posted on Mon, Dec 11, 2017 at 10:39 pm and is filed under d) 2017 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.