The Bears found a way to bounce back from last week’s unsettling win, losing handily in Detroit, and improving our draft position – much like Trump’s bone spurs improved his. But there are far more pressing matters at hand: last Monday, our blog post ignited a firestorm the night before Alabama’s special Senate election. As evidenced by our site’s 19,000 hits last week (see main screen, bottom right), almost the exact margin of victory, we are being credited with swinging the vote for Doug Jones. Jones thanked us with an autographed photo of Roy Moore on horseback, though it’s not apparent in the photo if Moore is riding to a local mall or a KKK rally. But since our post was so influential, we’re re-applying the strategy this week to bring down an equally offensive public threat: Comcast’s Laurence Holmes.
DET spent more time in our endzone than the crew that painted it
The Low Down
Comcast Sports Chicago hosts a local program after each game, called “Bears Post Game Live.” Holmes came in this year to replace Chris Boden (whose idiocy we’d been pointing out since 2013) as facilitator of the discussions with former Bears Jim Miller, Lance Briggs and Alex Brown. Now, we’re not talking “think tank” here (Briggs arrived late to the studio this week because he went to Soldierz, forgetting the game was in Detroit), but the latter 3 do provide some occasionally valuable insight. Holmes, on the other hand, is horrible at whatever it is he is trying to do.
Seriously, someone should tell our defense we’re 4-10,
unless they’re celebrating a Lion score here (#PFTD)
Like Glennon, Holmes (whose radio show is equally appalling) was brought in to work with the real athletes. And like Giraffe Knees, he needs to be benched (ask him to resign on Twitter here). He constantly admits he doesn’t know anything, and then says he’s surprised when he hears things he doesn’t know. His true talents seem to be incorrectly pointing out mistakes, as well as presuming – and stating, repeatedly – that viewers are as deprived of basic Bear knowledge as he is. He could easily be replaced by a 10-year old child with a smart phone. And a drinking problem. Or by me:
#ReplaceHolmesWithBaffaFromBearDownBaffa.com.
You’d think he’d at least watch if he wanted to keep his job
Laurence Holmes’s Imbecility: A Deeper Look
I was grateful to have my blog this week so I could share an in-depth analysis of the utter nonsense that came out of Holmes’s voice hole this week, and hopefully, create a movement to replace him (#SackHolmes,Holmes). In order to better appreciate this breakdown, you should know that the Bears fell behind 3 minutes in and trailed the rest of the way; that the Lions scored all their points on their first 6 drives; and that the only points we scored before the final minutes came on a FG after we recovered a Lion fumble at their 27 with 0:12 left in the half. You should also be aware of our fluke blowout of Cincy last week.
FHI…(For Holmes’s Information)…
our QB has thrown 5,000 fewer passes than theirs
Holmes…on the Bears calling 46 pass plays vs. 15 runs: “I’m befuddled. It doesn’t make sense. How does that gameplan happen?” ~ Easily. Toward the end of a rebuild, you draft a QB. When your season ends early, you turn his rookie season into an internship. And he only learns by passing, even if it leads to 3 INTs, as it did this week. He probably learned the most from those 3 throws in particular.
Yes, let’s keep running all the time in meaningless games –
what good could ever come from getting Truby some reps?
…on us not playing as well as last week against Cincy: “I don’t understand how they can look at their success from last week, and say let’s do the total opposite this week.” ~ Cincy’s D was terrible, and their 2 best defenders were hurt. For crying out loud, we scored 27 unanswered points for the first time since the Reagan Administration! We could do that each week, Holmie, but only if we always played the Bengals.
We need to practice catching too – our intended WR here (the guy
who touched this pass 1st) is the one on the ground under the Lion
…I’m not sure how to label this one: “Let’s take a look at the leading receivers for today. Adam Shaheen, of course, had the shoulder injury, so he wasn’t available.” ~ Really? You start a stat summary with a guy that didn’t even play? And it wasn’t like someone asked him the question and he had to search for the answer – he asked the question himself! And then he answered it when he didn’t even know the answer!!
Punter and place-holder Pat “Pimp Hand” O’Donnell
always keeps his pimp hand free, even while tackling
…on us passing more this week: “It’s like they get amnesia…you had success…I don’t understand. It’s maddening, and I’m sure it’s maddening for Bear’s fans, as you watch this and you say, ‘What were they supposed to do?’ Do what you always do.” ~ No, it’s not maddening for us because we understand the basics of football, Holmeskillet. We gained only 19 yards on 9 carries in the 1st-half. You can’t run if the other team won’t let you, and you only get 3 tries before you have to punt. So it was either pass the ball, or punt it. We chose both.
Trubisky’s glove had so much glue left over from his pre-game
glitter that he couldn’t let go of his facemask the entire 2nd half
…summarizing something he doesn’t understand instead of letting 3 guys that do speak: “We’re breaking it all down, and we’re sitting here kinda like you (the fans) are, trying to figure out why we saw some things work really well for the Bears last week, and then them go away from it. I don’t know if we have any answers.” ~ Perhaps he doesn’t realize that there are 53 premier athletes paid top dollar to stop the Bears every time we have the ball. And why he thinks it’s news that he doesn’t know something is beyond me!
Well, what do ya know? Detroit IS scheming for ways to stop us!
…it doesn’t even matter what this topic was: “This is the stuff I don’t get. Like I need you guys’ insight on this because none of it makes sense.” ~ Then how about asking them a fucking question instead of telling them YET AGAIN how much you don’t know?!
This pass isn’t anywhere NEAR where it’s supposed to be –
the ball is all the way to Trubes’s right, but he’s aiming left!
…on misremembering details: “It’s pretty amazing…I’m really just struggling with the concept…you’ve had 4 games this year where you’ve run for 200 yards or more, you won off your run game…where does that go?” ~ Uhm, no. We had early leads in each of our 4 wins, and we didn’t win because we ran – we ran because we were winning. And in the CAR win, our defense scored 2 early TDs, and we only gained 68 yards on the ground all game – fewer than even CAR. Also, can something be “pretty” amazing? It’s either amazing, or it isn’t, right?
Jesus, they really are trying to burn that town to the ground
…the final straw, where he thinks all we have to do is run 20 times and we’re guaranteed a win: “Would it shock you all to realize that the 4 games the Bears have won, they have run over 20 times every time?” ~ For starters, nothing could be more shocking than the fact that the Bears won those 4 games. Secondly, the league’s LEAST running team (Cincy) runs 22 times per game. So no, it’s not “shocking.” Referees wearing mankinis would be shocking. Roy Moore riding a Segway to the Gay Pride Parade in Israel – that would shock me! Would it shock YOU, Holmefry, that the Bears averaged 20 carries in their losses to GB, MIN, and NO? Or that 3 of our wins came against AFC North teams, who are weak against the run (except CLE, but we haven’t played them yet)? I’m gonna go ahead and presume it does shock you, Holmeslice. Bye, Omarosa.
Truby Tuesday, when asked what he thought of Holmes…
Outlook
Losing sure is fun when you’re PFTD (Playing For The Draft)! This loss moves the Bears back up into a tie for the #4 spot, where we’d been for a month before last week’s surprising (and unfortunate) win. But we still have plenty more PFTDing to do. Next week we host CLE, who are about as due for a win as a team can be, and then we go to MIN, where the division champs may be resting starters. Winning both could drop us as far back as #14. But regardless of other outcomes, 1 more Bear loss would lock us into the top 10. And 2 more, along with the cooperation of a lot of teams, could still net us the #2. So there’s still plenty left to watch for!
Teams that won this week are underlined above
Non-Holmes Quotes of Note
Miller: “If you take away the Detroit TD, and then you take away the redzone INT by Trubisky, that’s the ball game. And Mitchell wouldn’t be throwing it 46 times, you’d still be running it.” ~ Yes, if you take away the Lions’ points, and all their defenders, we’d have won, and we’d still be running it, Jimbo!
Sam “The Sackman” Acho had 1 of our 4 sacks. Here’s Acho’s sack.
BEAR DOWN?
You’d have to think the odds of keeping his job
would increase 10-fold if he’d at least open his eyes
#RemindOurDefenseThatWeAre4-10
#SackHolmes,Holmes
#ReplaceHolmesWithBearDownBaffa
#RoyMooreSegwayingToIsraeliGayPrideParade
© 2017
Bear Down Baffa 
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