Bear Down Baffa

Normally I’d consider a win like this a Christmas miracle, but Coach Fox’s Bears are anything but miraculous.  At 0-5 in our division, and 1-10 in our conference, beating the winless Browns helps them more than anyone else.  Sure, we’ve now won 2 of our last 3 by a combined score of 53-10, but that was against the 2 worst teams in the league’s 2nd weakest division.  And FYI…those 2 teams are also Playing For The Draft (PFTD), so who really “won” those games?  All this sweep does is move us back in the draft line – about one spot for each win.  So thanks, but this is one present I wish came with a gift receipt.

OK, maybe beating both teams in his home state also helps Truby

The Low Down
Don’t let the 20-3 score fool you.  This game wasn’t won by the Bear’s defense, and it certainly wasn’t because of our offense.  Both of those squads had the help of a Brown team that is a loss away from the “Worst Ever” wing at the NFL Hall of Fame.  And if it weren’t for some WTF penalties at what turned out to be painfully critical times, Cleveland could’ve easily won this game.  So no, this game wasn’t won in the traditional sense.  It was won by one thing that was not affected by the other team – our fierce punting game.

As punishment for representing Cleveland, Brown QBs must allow
one opposing player to latch onto their leg for the entirety of the game

Yes, Patrick “The Octagon” O’Donnell booted it 8 times for over 350 yards – about 100 yards more than our offense gained.  It was “The Big O’s” second busiest game of the year, after he punted 9 times against the Ravens.  And it was just 2 shy of his career-high, when Jimmy “My Contract Allowed Me To Suck Because They Put A” Clausen had fewer completions (9) than we had possessions or punts (10 of each) against Seattle in 2015.  So he gets the game ball, but he also gets the “blame ball” for costing us draft position.

Patty the Octagon – reckless with our draft position,
but ever protective when it comes to that pimp hand

One Bear who seems to really get his PFTD role is kicker Mike “I Prefer My Poontang Unsweetened” Nugent, who missed another PAT.  He’s just 6 of 8 (75%) since we signed him, which is – you guessed it – worst in the NFL.  So now when we say “the Nuge is loose,” it means he’ll be a free agent in about 5 days.  Which is unfortunate because Mr. “Yank Me, Crank Me (And Apparently, Shank Me)” was becoming to our blog what Trump was to SNL, and we were just cat-scratching the surface with him.  Now if only the Bears can replace him with someone named Palin…

Like the real Nuge, our Nuge can’t get anyone to
slap hands because they just want him to go away

Doubtlook
This win hurts.  A lot.  It’s so bad that it officially locked the Browns into the #1 overall pick, the only pick that’s already been determined, and it could cost the Bears as many as 9 places in the draft line.  Had we lost, we’d still have a shot at the #3.  But now the best we can do is a 3-way tie for 4th, where we’d pick between #4 and #6 (depending on the Strength of Schedule tie-breaker).  And beating Minni (who will be playing for home-field advantage) on NYE could actually drop us as far back as #12!  So next week’s league finale is going to be cray.

Teams that won this week are underlined above.
(Did anyone else notice that all these f-ing teams lose each week?!)

If we lose next week, we benefit if:  HOU beats INDY; TB beats NO; SF beats LAR; DEN beats KC; and/or NYJ beats NE.  If we win, HOU and TB become irrelevant, but we’d also benefit if:  CIN beats BAL; MIA beats BUF; and/or OAK beats LAC.  But since all these PFTD teams are underdogs except for the matchup between two of them (HOU/INDY), HOU is the only team that’s likely to help us.  So barring upsets, a Bear loss puts us in a 5-way tie for 5th (#5 – #9), and a win lands us a 4-way tie for 9th (#9 – #12).  My money’s on us picking in the 7-hole.

Hopefully the Troubadour gets these out of his system –
but not until after next week’s season finale!

Quotes of Note
Linebacker Sam “Ah, Ah, Ah” Acho, on holiday games:  “Christmas is always good, right?  You got family, you got friends, you’re celebrating Jesus’s birth, right?  On top of that, we get a win.  For this organization.  And for the fans.” ~ Wait, but not for Jesus?

I think Cohen’s uniform is a few sizes too big

Comcast’s Lance Briggs:  “Mitch Trubisky was the beneficiary of a bad team today.” ~ You left out every other Bear (other than Patty the Octagon, that is), Lancey.

The Trubes making snow angels in his home state: #TrumpMAGA

My mom, on sweeping the AFC North:  “We’re in the wrong division!” ~ And maybe the wrong league, moms.  Now go make me a sandwich!

I sure hope that Akiem “A Saw, A Conquered” Hicks is celebrating
these new dope-ass gloves he got for X-Mas, and not our 10 losses

Comcast’s Alex Brown, on Fox’s job:  “You KNOW he’s gone.  OK, it’s not official, but you KNOW he’s gone.  Stop playing, you know he gone!” ~ Yikes!  Even OUR staff, who’ve been on Fox like excess tape on a gift wrapped by a child, hopes he doesn’t read that one!

Biscuit’s pre-game warmup involves playing fetch with the other team

Comcast’s J.J. Stankevitz:  “This win guarantees that John Fox will not have the worst winning percentage as Bears head coach if he is done after 2017.  But you’re beating out Abe Gibron at .274 (11-30-1).  Fox is now .300 (14-33), so that’s not a big feather in his cap.” ~ A feather in his cap?  Really?  You call that journalism?  Let me ask you this – did Fox call it macaroni, too?

Fox to wife: “Hey honey, they might need a new coach in Cleveland!”

BEAR DOWN?

I knew that Giraffe Neck made $1M+ each week to watch Truby
Tuesday, but I was unaware that he was also a west coast gangsta

#HowLongTilTheDraftAgain
#PattyTheOctagon
#TheNugeWillBeLooseInAWeek
#AbeGibronMustREALLYSuck
#WestCoastGiraffeNeck

© 2017

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