Bear Down Baffa

Well, 2018 is already a complete disaster.  The Bears lost 11 games, got swept in the division, and missed the playoffs for the 7th straight year – and that’s just looking backwards.  If you look ahead, it’s even worse.  Our most expensive asset, Mike “Giraffe Knees” Glennon, doesn’t even play.  Coach John “People My Age Get Their Fake News From” Fox got canned, just one loss shy of being the worst coach in Bear’s history.  And GM Ryan “Fox Won Too Often For My Playing For The Draft (PFTD)” Pace was just rewarded with an extension, despite having signed the Giraffe, Fox, and all but 2 of the other animals on our current roster.  If it weren’t for the Cleveland Browns, we’d be the Cleveland Browns.  Seriously, I don’t know why you’re still coming here, let alone watching the Bears.  In fact, I out-sourced this post to Pakistan, the greatest country of export House Linens and have nothing role in 9-11 or for hide Bin Laden!

Pace just put all his eggs in one Biscuit

The Low Down
To me, this was the most perplexing outcome of the season.  Despite the Vikings finishing tied for the most wins in the league (13), and the Bears PFTDing, Minni somehow managed to out-suck us, and yet we STILL lost.  As it turned out, this game was meaningless to the Vikes’ #2 seed, but a loss could’ve cost them home-field advantage.  It is the belief of some of our staff that their squad just wanted to GTFO of Minnesota, so they implemented their own plan, called PTGTFOOM – Playing To GTFO Of Minnesota.  How else would you explain their being a step ahead of our PFTD plan everywhere except the final score?

Even Coach Fox wanted some GTFOOM,
and this was right after the opening kickoff!

The Bears committed 10 penalties, but Minni topped us with 12.  We allowed 1 sack, they allowed 2.  We punted 7 times, they punted 8.  We gave up a Safety, they gave up a TD on a punt return.  They even let us out-kick them, as Minni missed a FG, while Mike “Obama Can Suck On My Machine Gun” Nugent went rogue and played for his next contract, connecting on a bomb from 55 yards.  Shit, even Trubisky almost out-passed their vet QB, falling just 10 yards short.  Whatever the Vikes’ plan was, they really gave us a run for our PFTD money.  But we were fortunate to come away with this crucial loss.

Teammates still refuse to touch the Nuge,
but they are getting a little closer each week

Season Prediction – Winner, Winner, Truby Dinner (And Dessert)
We held a contest this year where you submitted your predictions for total Bear wins, along with wins at home to break any ties.  Well our winner is Michael “Not The Guy In The Blog Name” Baffa, who nailed both with 5 wins and 3 at home.  Not only does he get dinner with our franchise QB, but he gets to give the Biscuit’s biscuit a goodnight tug (we’ve confirmed it’s not gay if you’re merely helping him fall asleep, or just watching).

Truby Tuesday, explaining that the way to remember
“dessert” has 2 S’s is you always want to have 2 of them

Ryan “The Only Person Left Reading Not Named Baffa” Wormley finished in a close second place (5 wins, 2 at home).  And in a surprising but delightful twist, once el Trouberino found out that Kevin Spacey didn’t submit an entry, he consented to letting our runner-up watch what he called “the 2-minute drill with no penalties.”  So congratulations all around, really.  Well, except for Spacey – he’s gonna be so pissed when he finds out!

Rumor has it that Minni QB Keenum predicted 6 Bear wins, so
he was PFTTDAD – Playing For That Truby Dinner And Dessert

Doubtlook
We get the 8th pick, which is better than 60% of the non-playoff teams, but not as high as any of us hoped.  We finished 5-11, tied for 5th with 3 other teams (DEN, NYJ, TB).  But we draft behind all 3 of them since we had the league’s highest Strength of Schedule (0.559), which means we would’ve drafted last in any situation where we were tied.  In this year’s scenarios, one more win or loss would’ve moved us 3 spots in either direction.  So for those of you who couldn’t get down with PFTD, know that each loss gained us 3 spots in each round of next year’s draft.

Fox might’ve been a bit too transparent in his efforts to lose this
one, evidenced here by his overtly telling his players not to score

Speaking of the draft, on offense, we need everything except a QB or a RB.  And on defense, we need an ILB and secondary help.  Unfortunately, #8 is far back enough to take a WR, so we’ll probably do just that.  And he will bust.  And the saga will continue.  But I’m slightly hopeful that we’ll instead use that pick on a top O-Lineman, or trade back and stock up on a pair if there is an abundance in this draft pool, and then use the money left from cutting Giraffe Neck to sign a WR in free agency.  But since Team Chairman George McCaskey and Team President Ted Phillips don’t know what they’re doing, we’ll probably be PFTDing again next year, waiting to draft another WR.

I bet you Danny “Darth Vader” Trevathan
hopes we don’t waste our top pick on a WR

I guess it could’ve been worse.  At 6-10, OAK, SF and MIA tied for 9th place.  MIA had the highest SoS of the three, so they pick 11th.  But since OAK and SF tied in SoS (0.512), the 9th and 10th spots will be determined by a coin flip.  Yikes.  And seven different teams finished 9-7, with only 2 of them making the playoffs (TEN, BUF), both as Wild Cards.  The other 5 (BAL, LAC, SEA, DAL, DET) are stuck with slots 16-20 in the draft, respectively.  I wonder if any of their coaches would trade 3 wins to move up to #9, which is where each would fall based on their SoSs.  I bet at least one of them would.

3 spots is an awful lot when you consider how much that
1 spot cost us to acquire the Troubadour in the 1st place

Tenure Top Ten Update: “Now Just Our Top Three”
Turnover has been a constant with Pace.  Here’s an update from our week 1 post listing the Bears’ most tenured players, with the few certain to return shown in bold.

1.  “I Shot The” Sherrick McManis (Acquired 2012).  Unrestricted Free Agent (UFA).  At 30 years old, odds are he won’t be back.
2.  Kyle “I Haven’t Played In So” Long (Drafted 2013).  Signed thru 2021.
3.  Zach “Galifianakis Has Better Knees Than Me” Miller.  “Retired.”
4.  Lamarr “Next Year, I’m Probably Playing For” Houston.  UFA.  Cut earlier this year and then brought back, so he lost “tenure,” even if he’s re-signed.
5.  Willie “Get Cut Because He’s No Longer” Young.  Signed thru 2018, but at 32, will probably be cut.
6.  Christian “Wait, I’m A Jew” Jones.  UFA.  May be back on the cheap, but could get cut in camp if we find a suitable replacement.
7.  Kyle “One Of The Two Not Signed By Pace” Fuller.  FA.  The Bears declined the 5th year option on his contract, which would’ve cost us $8.5M.  He’s our biggest question mark, as there will be a demand for him.  He could be re-signed, franchised, or cash in elsewhere.
8.  Ka’Deem “Ka’Harry Ka” Carey.  Cut at the end of camp.
9.  Pat “The Other Guy Pace Didn’t Sign” O’Donnell.  Signed thru 2018.
10. Charles “I Support Conan Over” Leno.  Signed thru 2021.

Angry that the Bears didn’t pick up his option, Fuller stares
Pace down on the sidelines during every tackle he makes

Quotes of Note
First off, did anyone else think that Fox Announcer Kevin Burkhardt sounded like SNL’s Beck Bennett trying to do a sportscaster bit the entire game?

Fox, when asked who did it better, Burkhardt or Bennett

Burkhardt:  “So you’re watching this game, you’re saying, ‘How in the world did the Bears score?’  Well it wasn’t on offense.  They did it on special teams.” ~ No, we weren’t saying that because if we were watching the game, we just saw how they scored.  This guy makes Joe Buck sound like a genius.

Could DC Vic “3 Years Fox’s Junior” Fangio be our next Coach?
The mere fact that he let the Nuge into this picture tells me no.

Comcasts’s J.J. Stankevitz:  “At halftime today, Michael Burton was the Bear’s leading rusher because he had 1 carry for 0 yards.  That pretty much sums up how bad this was.”  Comcasts’s Laurence Holmes’s follow up question: “So…how would you sum it up?” ~ I sure hope Holmes gets “Foxed,” and Comcast gets to draft higher than 8th when they pick his replacement.

The last 2 teams Fox coached went to the SB an average of 3 years
after he left – I wonder if he coached them with his eyes closed, too

GM Ryan Pace, on keeping his job despite losing 34 of his 48 games as GM: “I understand those results are also a reflection on me…I have to do a better job.’’ ~ Uhm…you just signed an extension, so apparently you don’t.

Even sweet Pam Oliver can’t believe her fucking ears
as she listens to the bullshit spewing out of Pace’s face

BEAR DOWN?

With fans like these, you’d probably want to GTFOOM, too!

#IfItWeren’tForTheClevelandBrownsWe’dBeTheClevelandBrowns
#PakistaniOutsourcing-WeWriteBlogForYou
#TheNugeIsNowLoose
#CongratsMichaelBaffaWinnerWinnerTrubyDinnerAndDessert
#TwoMinuteDrillWithNoPenalties
#PoorKevinSpacey
#LaurenceHolmesRyanPaceGeorgeMcCaskeyAndTedPhillipsAllSuck

© 2017

This entry was posted on Wed, Jan 3, 2018 at 10:39 pm and is filed under d) 2017 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.