Bear Down Baffa

I can’t lie; my Bear’s erection is more robust today than it’s been since 2009 – the last time we traded 2 first-rounders for a star in his prime.  But the latter star is a superstar, a leader with a positive attitude – the exact opposite of the former (Kristin “Very” Cavallari’s husband).  And I’m so excited, I want to run down to Soldierz and “pull a Louis CK” at mid-field!  After trading for “The Captain And” Khalil Mack, the rebuild is now complete.  Sure, it took 5 years (and 53 losses), but we’ve finally got everything we need.  And after emptying our coffers, and trading away our draft future, what we’ve got now is all we’re gonna get.  But it’s enough to make a run at the Lombardi.  And I don’t mean sometime soon – I mean NOW!

Elvis has entered the building

Money, Money, Money, Mo-ney…MO-NEY!
A common saying about Bear’s ownership is “they throw money around like manhole covers,” meaning they’re cheap AF.  Well, this off-season, they spent cash like a coked-out Johnny Depp at a bracelet expo after a meeting with his divorce attorney.  It was a spending spree the likes of which Bear fans have never seen, filling every remaining hole across our roster.  At this point, even Trump would agree that “there’s very fine people on both sides” of the ball for the Bears.

A Tweet from Mack’s former teammate after learning about the trade.
Our response: “Yes fucking way!” (Hey, he started it.)

We guaranteed $164M to 6 new players, $40M to 4 re-signed guys, and $26M to 7 draftees, bringing new guarantees to over $230M – and that’s just for those 17.  If you add up total dollars spent, it comes to over $425M in new contracts.  Somewhere, Lovie, Trestman, and Fox are cursing Ryan “We’re Hitting The Vault” Pace, who approached off-season spending like Patrick Swayze’s Ronald Reagan during the final heist in Point Break.  It has understandably left some fans feeling like James Le Gros’s Richard Nixon: “Why are we going to the vault?!  We never go to the vault!”

With hindsight, we can now clearly see that this was Pace’s plan all along.  Cut costs.  Get young.  Bring in an “established” (old) coach to mask the fact that we were going to tank.  Tank.  Use the high draft picks on a pass rusher (Leonard “Skynyrd” Floyd, #9 in ’16), a franchise QB (Trubisky, #2 in ’17), and our leader on D (Roquan “The Phenomenon” Smith, #8 in ’18).  And after filling those 3 critical positions at bargain prices, with plenty of room left under the cap, Pace hung his balls out like Dwight “D.eez Nutz” Eisenhower, making the biggest splash in franchise history by acquiring Mack.

Roquan will soon make you forget about going 5-11 last year,
which is the reason we drafted high enough to get him

Where’d All That Money Go?
Top new players:
ŸŸ• DE/OLB – Khalil Mack – $90M guaranteed/ $155M total
ŸŸ• WR – Allen “Coo Coo Cachoo Mrs.” Robinson – $25.2M/ $42M
ŸŸ• TE – Trey “Parker Is A Better Director Than Tim” Burton – $22M/ $32M
ŸŸ• WR – Taylor “Genesis Was Better Without Peter” Gabriel – $14M/ $26M
ŸŸ• K – Cody “We’re Paying A Kicker How Much?” Parkey – $9M/ $15M
ŸŸ• QB – Chase “I’ve Thrown 1 TD In 9 Seasons” Daniel – $7M/ $10M

4 seasons:  303 tackles, 68 tackles for loss, and 40.5 sacks

Top re-signings:
ŸŸ• CB – Kyle “My Glass Is Now Half” Fuller – $19M/ $56M
ŸŸ• CB – Prince “Karma Karma Karma Karma” Amukamara – $18M/ $27M
ŸŸ• OLB – Sam “Ah, Ah, Ah” Acho – $3M/ $5.5M
ŸŸ• ST – Sherrick “Who’s My Favorite Bear? Jim” McManis – $1.1M/ $3.5M

Somehow this guy got Pace to give him a 3 year extension for $27M

Draft picks:
ŸŸ• ILB – Roquan Smith – $18.4M/ $18.4M (1st round)
ŸŸ• G – James “Charlie” Daniels – $4M/ $7M (2nd)
ŸŸ• WR – Anthony “Lite Beer From” Miller – $2.7M/ $5.3M (2nd)
ŸŸ• ILB – Joel “Osteen” Iyiegbuniwe – $675K/ $3.1M (4th)
ŸŸ• DT – Bilal “Christie Mc” Nichols – $300K/ $2.75M (5th)
ŸŸ• DE – Kyle “Hissy” Fitts – $175K/ $2.6M (6th)
ŸŸ• WR – Javon “Musk For Men” Wims – $100K/ $2.5M (7th)

Roquan’s last game was an OT loss in the National Championship

And That’s Not All!
We also got a new, young Head Coach in Matt “When I Spend All Day Watching Football With My Hand Down My Pants, My Wife Gets A Little” Nagy.  He’s a former QB (who threw 374 TD’s in arena football), which is something Chicago has never had on the play-calling front.  He’s going to run such a new-look and progressive offense that Bear fans won’t even recognize it as football until about week 4.  Think pre-snap movement, RPO (Run-Pass Option), exploiting mismatches, and spreading the ball around like HPV at an orgy for people allergic to latex.

Coach Nagy – after signing Mack long-term

A lot will be riding on the shoulders of the Troubador (who ran RPO in college).  But by adding a lighting-quick ILB in Smith, a Defensive Player of the Year in Mack, and 5 new passing targets, we got ourselves a football team!  And if you count Kevin “Injured Reserve” White, that’s 6 guys who’ve yet to catch a pass from Truby Tuesday.  Our lone weakness is our new kicker, who sucks.  Since we guaranteed him so much cash, it’s unlikely we’ll cut him.  But the 2nd most accurate kicker in NFL history (Dan Bailey) was just released, so keep an eye on that.

This squad is on FIYA!!!

Two Stats That Will Blow Your Mind: My Pre-Season Gift To You
1.  During a 50-game stretch from 1983-88 (counting both regular and post season games), Jim McMahon went 44-6 as a starter:  a winning % of .880!  Even more impressive…
2.  From 1984-87, the Punky QB won an NFL record 25 straight starts!  Counting the regular and post seasons, he won his last 3 in ’84, went 14-0 in ’85, went 6-0 in ’86, and won his first 2 in ’87.  And that doesn’t count him coming off the bench for comeback wins in MIN in ’85, or in TB in ’87.

Greatest.  NFL.  Player.  Ever.

Prediction
Not only are the Bears going to be over .500 for the first time in 6 years, but I’m predicting that we’ll go 10-6, and win our division.  Submit your prediction for the number of Bear wins, along with the number of home wins as a tie-breaker, in a comment below.  The closest guess without going over gets a free MAGA (“My Attorney Got Arrested”) hat.

A breakdown of Mack as arguably the league’s best pass rusher

BEAR DOWN!

#ElvisHasEnteredTheBuilding
#YesFuckingWay
#We’reHittingTheVault
#SomebodyGetDanBailey’sAgentOnTheLine

Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!

© 2018

This entry was posted on Mon, Sep 3, 2018 at 7:07 pm and is filed under c) 2018 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.