Did I miss something? Did we go back in time this weekend? Tiger Woods won a golf tournament, Anita Hill is trending during a SCOTUS nomination, and the Bears are alone in 1st place. Next you’ll tell me the president is white again! And not only did the Bears just win 2 games in 6 days after going winless for 9½ months, but they came back from being down 14 in the 1st quarter for the first time since the “They are who we thought they were!” game in ’06! After the way this season is playing out, it wouldn’t have surprised me if Urlacher had run out on the field, laid someone out, and took off his helmet to reveal a Brian Bosworth Mohawk!
Who needs Urlacher when you got “The Captain And” Khalil Mack?
The Low Down
The Bears, like indoor cyclists stalking behind the other rider before the last lap, decided that it was easier playing from behind. So like the Democrats, we opened the borders and handed AZ the lead like food stamps to illegals. The Cards scored on their 1st drive – giving them more points in just 3 minutes than they’d scored all season – and again on their 3rd. At the end of the 1st quarter, Sam Bradford was 4/5 for 92 yards, 2 TDs and a 158.3 QBR. To non-Super Fans, it looked as though we’d let the other cyclist ride out a bit too far.
The Cards certainly thought they had a big enough lead.
(* Before they realized that we were who we thought we were)
Our offense also played the cyclist game. Not only did we NOT score on our 1st drive, but we missed a FG, then we fumbled, and then we punted – giving AZ good field position on each drive. But despite the Trubes committing another turnover in the 2nd quarter, we scored on 4 of our remaining 7 drives. Only once did we reach the endzone, however, and we did hold off on taking the lead as long as we could.
There’s one thing Trubisky excelled at:
making the ploy appear to be real!
Our defense also awoke from hibernation in the 2nd quarter, and they were hangry. Bradford was just 9/14 for 65 yards the rest of the way, punting 3 times on just 12 plays in the 2nd quarter, and then turning it over 3 times in a row. And after he was benched with an 89 QBR in the 4th, we picked off rookie Josh Rosen, and then sacked him on the game’s final play, sticking him with a 31.5 QBR in his debut. We finished the last 3 quarters with 4 sacks, and kept AZ off the board, forcing turnovers on 4 of their last 5 drives. Apparently, the Cards were who we thought they were as well.
The Bears’ hot pursuit of AZ QBs was not unlike Brett Kavanaugh
and his buddies chasing down drunk girls in high school
Our D had AZ’s QBs giving balls up like Oprah giving away cars – you get a turnover, you get a turnover, everybody gets a turnover! Danny “Trejo” Trevathan recovered a fumble, and our 3 picks went to “I Shot The” Sherrick McManis, Bryce “My Name Sounds Either White Or Irish – But I’m Neither” Callahan, and Eddie “My 2 TDs In Carolina Got Us Our Only NFC Win Last Year” Jackson. And after trailing for 52 minutes, and drafting behind the Cards as they tried desperately not to blow it (again), we blew past them with 4:30 left, bringing our brilliant stalking plan full cycle.
No one was more excited for Callahan than our white/Irish coaches
Cody “Not So Solid Gould” Parkey missed a FG for the 1st time this year, but he still managed to score 10 points (3/4 on FGs, 1/1 on XPTs). That gives him 27 points in 3 games, which is an average of 9 per game. That pace would tie him with Kevin Butler for the Bears’ all-time single-season point record (144). I still can’t believe a guy named Butthead holds the Bears’ scoring record. But, I guess it could be worse. He could be named…Cody Parkey.
Parkey – a face (and a name) that only a punter could love
Outlook
Truby Tuesday was 24/35 (69%) for 220 yards (6.3/attempt), which by itself isn’t that bad, but he sucked across the rest of the board. Not only was he sacked 3 times, but he had 0 TDs, fumbled, and threw a pick – which is basically the Golden Sombrero of QBing. He finished with a Bob Avellini-like 73.5 QBR. But he did complete the longest pass of his career (39 yards), and bottom line: he sucked less than the other QBs. As “W” would say – Mission Accomplished!
Maybe our offense needs a little more, uhm, color?
It just seems to work well for our defense, that’s all I’m sayin’.
Quotes of Note
Fox announcer: “First down, and good yardage. Looks fresh as a daisy, does Jordan Howard.” ~ Wait, aren’t daisies white? Is that some kind of dog whistle?!
Rosen is so racist, he thinks every black guy is trying to steal the ball
Matt “I Give Out Thank You’s Like Oprah And Her Cars” Nagy, after thanking Bear fans in attendance, the AZ coach, and the Cards’ players: “Offensively, we understand that we can be a lot better in so many different areas. But in the end, there’s only one thing that matters, and that’s the win. That’s all we care about.” ~ I just thank god that he didn’t thank god.
Nagy to Callahan: “Are you sure you’re not at least a little Irish?”
el Truberino: “The great thing about it is we find ways to get Ws as a team. And we know we’re not even close to where we want to be on offense.” ~ Uhm, you’re not even close to being CALLED an offense, Biscuit.
Truby to Glennon: So what did you buy with that
$18.5M we paid you last year to win us just 1 game?
Jim Miller, on how tough it can be playing for the Bears: “Anywhere you go in Chicago, there’s a Bear sticker, there’s a Bear hat. You can’t walk to the mall, you can’t go to the party store. It’s in your face everyday.” ~ Where are these “party stores” he’s always talking about? Is that code for gay bars or something, Jimbo? Asking for my dad.
#74: “OK, raise your hand if you think you can block Mack…”
BEAR DOWN!
Supa Bow, Supa BEARS!
#CouldYOUBlockMack?
#CycleStalking
#UrlacherInABosworthMohawk
#AreYouSureYou’reNotAtLeastALittleIrish?
© 2018
Bear Down Baffa 
Leave a comment