Well, shit. I was just getting used to winning. But playing only 3 quarters caught up to the Bears again. We started by scoring 38 fewer points in the 1st half than we did last week, and trailed 7-0 at halftime. But then things got nucking futs, with a combined 52 points scored in the 2nd half. The drama was like a good, old-fashioned sex scandal during the Supreme Court nomination process. If only the Bears had the GOP’s secret weapon, Rachell Mitchell, we might’ve been able to stave off Miami’s attacks. But just like Kavanaugh’s confirmation, this thing dragged on into extra time, and ended just like we all thought it would – with the home team winning by a small majority at the wire. Man, losing sucks. But I still like beer!
The lone difference between the 2 teams – their kicker didn’t miss
The Low Down
This game was ours for the taking for the entirety, but like Bartelby the Scrivener, we “preferred not to.” At the end of regulation, we were virtually tied in all major stats: total yards, first downs, turnovers, penalties, big plays, bone-headed plays, and of course, points. It was so close that both teams converted 8 third downs, fumbled on the goal line, and threw a pick in the end zone. It was like the Stephan Bonnar-Forrest Griffin fight – two guys just beating the life out of each other. And though they were both awarded contracts that night, there was really only one winner. We don’t remember who, but only one of them got the win. And whoever it was that lost, that’s who the Bears are today.
What does Michelle Obama always say?
When they go high, we go low?
But, despite what you may hear, this one is not on Trubisky. Sure, he threw a red zone pick in the 4th quarter, and his QBR was just 82 at the half. But he came on in 2nd half, completing 2 separate passes for 50+ yards, and going 13/17 for 227 yards with 3 TDs. And the pick came 1 play after he threw a TD that was called back on a Bear penalty. He finished 22/31 for 316 yards (10.2/att), 3 TDs, 1 INT, and a 122.5 QBR, and he also ran for 47 yards. That’s an All-Pro performance, homes. So I’ll say it again – this loss is not the Troubadour’s fault.
Hey ref, any chance I can get just that 1 play back?
Can you, like, call a penalty or something?
I’m putting this one 100% on the defense. Despite getting 3 takeaways, they gave up season-worsts 541 yards and 31 points. They looked meek early, they looked tired late, and they didn’t get a single sack all day. And Miami started a backup QB! Brock “The Bear Whisperer” Osweiler is now 3-0 against the Bears, and he’s only won 14 total NFL games in his 7-year career. I’ve got to say, I like him about as much as Happy Gilmore likes Bob Barker.
Even though he picked us apart, Osweiler made
sure not to look any of our defenders in the eye
Well, it only took Cody “Solid Gould” Parkey 5 games to break our hearts. And just when we gave Squi a nickname, too. Though he was 4/4 on XPTs, he missed his only FG attempt, and it turned out to be a 53-yarder for the win in OT. He’s now 9/11, which is just 82%. Our defense shat the bed, yes, but Squi wiped it all over the pillowcases. And the remote control. At $3.75M/year, he’s got to be clutch. And in a game like that, he’s GOT to pick us up when he gets his shot. Granted, our offense could’ve shortened the field a bit more for him, but Squi really boofed it in the devil’s triangle this week.
Squi – #1 in your program, #1 in your sharts
Outlook
This loss drops the Bears to 3-2 (.600). Minni won, making them 3-2-1, which is a winning % of .583. Apparently a tie counts as half a win and half a loss, so we’re still in first place. But not for long. We’re definitely going to lose to the Pats next week. Tom Brady is 4-0 against us. And Gisele’s beau absolutely destroyed us in the last 2, out-scoring us 87-30, and throwing 7 TDs without an INT (Cutler had 5 turnovers in those games, btw). But after that certain defeat, I like the next 6 games on our schedule. So, though there’s no question about it, we’re absolutely guaranteed to fall to 3-3 next Sunday, we could realistically be 9-3 on December 2 at about 3:15 pm CST.
As if watching the other team’s kicker peacock it out wasn’t
bad enough…now we gotta face Gronk, Brady and Belichick?!
Quotes of Note
Coach Matt “At Halftime, I Got Really” Nagy, on our 2nd half: “We didn’t do well in the 1st half… but you know what our guys did is they battled. They came out and scored 21 points in 8 minutes.” ~ Hmmm, OK. But you are aware that the game is played for 60, right?
Nagy to Trubes at the half: “Just get me 21 points
in the next 8 minutes. I promise you our D will cover
you! And if not them, Squi will squeak it out for us!”
Former Bear Israel Idonije, on the defense: “They were fatigued. We didn’t see a lot of pressure from our guys on the line. I think it’s just one of those situations where, coming off the bye, being in that hot environment, we did not look like our usual Bear defense.” ~ So he’s blaming it on too much rest and…the weather?! Haha, charming.
There are so many racist jokes here that I
can’t see through to the non-racist ones
Truby Tuesday, when some nimrod asked him about his INT: “Oh, you love the interception questions. I can always count on your for that.” ~ If you want the INT questions to stop, stop throwing the INTs, Bro Namath!
I mean, does #84 look like he was open to YOU?!
Former Bear Jim “Things Were Different Back In My Day” Miller: “I don’t think it’s too much to ask 53 grown men on an NFL roster coming off a bye week to get your mind right and be ready to play.” ~ No, Jimbo, it’s not. Unless they took too many naps, and it’s really hot.
When you give up 2 TDs AND a 2-pt conversion in the
last 10 minutes of the 4th quarter, you deserve to lose
Miller, reflecting back to his pre-game thoughts: “(I thought) it’s gonna be hot, and it’s gonna be hard.” ~ That’s what she said.
God damnit! I guess their guys prayed better than our guys.
Thanks a lot, Jesus.
BEAR DOWN!
#IStillLikeBeer
#IPreferNotTo
#SquiBoofedItInTheDevil’sTriangle
#It’sGonnaBeHotAndIt’sGonnaBeHard
#TheyPrayedOnTheFieldAndGotOnDown,EverybodyKnowsTheyDon’tMessAround
#ThanksALotJesus
© 2018
Bear Down Baffa 
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