Bear Down Baffa

NFL fans aren’t typically very bright, but I’ve got to be the dumbest amongst them for saying the Bears would dominate in 2019.  Instead, they’ve gone hero to zero in just a few weeks.  Sure, we’re still alive at 3-3, just like last year.  But Trubisky was decent back then.  Now he’s fucking AWFUL.  And he’s getting worse before our very eyes!  You can actually see the ability melting off of him, like those Nazis’ faces in Raiders of the Lost Ark.  At least the Nazis got to see the Ark before their contract ended.  We’re stuck with this douche nozzle for another 26 games.  Man, those lucky Nazi bastards!

And you thought Cutler looked aloof?!

The Low Down
We allowed 424 yards and 36 points.  And we ran a total of 7 times for just 17 yards THE ENTIRE GAME!  That’s only 17 more than our blog’s staff, and one of us took a nap during the game!  We trailed by 26 points late in the 4th, and New Orleans had missed 2 FGs.  So don’t let the final margin of 11 fool you.  This game could just as easily have ended 50-0.  The Saints gave it to the Bears like those personal trainers gave it to Jussie Smollett, but like if Jussie wasn’t lying.

Now THAT is what a locked-in QB looks like mid-play!

Doubtlook
Our D shat the bed, which as I’m writing this I still can’t believe!  And our O, which was much, much less surprising (but still equally painful), set that mattress aflame.  Even our special teams fucked us over!  You might have missed Cordarrelle “Slacks And A Polyester Shirt” Patterson returning a kickoff 102 YARDS FOR A TD, or Eddy “Funny Money” Pineiro going 3 for 3 and CONVERTING AN ONSIDE KICK.  Because our mother$%*&#$@ PUNTER made them both as forgettable as a recently cut punter’s name!  Or recently cunt putter’s name.  You know what I mean.

Whenever going for an onside kick, Eddy likes
to count on his fingers how much he loves Jesus

Pat “You Could Drink Your Morning Coffee, Take Your Morning Dump, And Wipe Your Morning Ass In The Time It Takes Me To Punt A Fucking Football” O’Donnell got ANOTHER punt blocked (THE 4TH OF HIS CAREER!), which led to a SAFETY.  And that was on the 5th PLAY OF THE GAME!  And he got a second one tipped!  With the clock winding down, he was lining up to punt again, but time ran out and the stadium emptied.  At the time you’re reading this, he’s still down on the field, presumably still mid-kick.

Yup, that’s our PUNTER chasing the ball in OUR end zone.
I wish they had trampled him.  To death.  Or at least near it.

Quotes of Note
Announcer Thom Brennaman, as we started the 2nd half:  “Chicago in the 1st half had 5 rush attempts.  5.  For 11 yards.” ~ You know it’s bad when they pause…and then repeat the number.  You know, for effect.

See that?!  Trubisky either looks like he’s about to yawn,
or he just received the thunder-munching of his lifetime!

Brennaman, with 3 ½ mins left in 3rd:  “The Saints have 4 first downs on this drive.  That’s as many as the Bears have the entire game.” ~ Nevermind, it’s just as bad when they DON’T pause and repeat the number.

Look in HIS eyes!  That’s not someone you want to run into in
a dark alley.  And I’m not just saying that because he’s black!

Brennaman, with 3 minutes left in the game:  “The Bears offensively have 83 yards.  83.” ~ Wait, maybe it IS worse when they repeat it.  Eh, who gives a shit?!  We SUCK!!

The Bears were allowed to smile once all game.
And it came from a guy named after Corduroys.

Brennaman:  “Trubisky airing it out.  Down the middle of the field.  SEVERELY under-thrown.  And he’s lucky that wasn’t intercepted.” ~ Wait, did he just call Trubisky lucky?!  The only thing he’s lucky about is that $29M rookie contract being fully guaranteed!

Hey, did you see Trubisky’s eyes?
Damn, that is one aloof whiteboy!

Brennaman, on the Soldierz fans with 9 minutes left:  “And they’re RUNNING for the exits.  It’s gonna be a rough Monday morning in Chicago.”  More like a rough WINTER in Chicago, Thommy!

The Saints tried to sneak in a little thunder-munching of their own!

Announcer Troy Aikman, on the Bear’s D:  “They got their doors blown off here this afternoon…against a depleted unit.  That was not good at all.” ~ Eeew.  Usually, that “blown doors” metaphor is reserved for situations involving either diarrhea, or explosive diarrhea.  Like the term “He got his titties ripped.”  That should only be used when referencing a pitcher who got his titties ripped.  Or gave up a lot of runs.

Even Jussie said the Saints were mean to Trubisky.  Sad.

Matt “I’ll Be Updating My Resume Tomorrow” Nagy, when asked if he’s still committed to Trubisky:  “Absolutely.” ~ I kinda expected him to respond before the question was even finished, “Oh fuck no.  FUUUUUCK no.  What are you, crazy?!  No!  There is no fucking way.  He’s already on a bus back to Ohio.  With that fucking cunt putter!”

Nagy checking the Greyhound bus schedule to Ohio

Lance Briggs, on what advice he has for the Bears moving forward:  “Here’s an old school technique.  We haven’t used it in a while, but it’s prevalent throughout the league.  Prayer.  You guys need to get together, do some prayer, and re-focus.” ~ I have no words.

I mean, that’s definitely one thunder-munched mofo right there!

BEAR DOWN!

#ThoseLuckyNaziBastards
#StillPunting
#AreYouAboutToYawnOrDidYouJustGetThunderMunched
#OneAloofWhiteboy
#BlownDoorsIsReservedForDiarrhea
#FuckingCuntPutter
#LetsDoSomePrayer

© 2019

This entry was posted on Mon, Oct 21, 2019 at 9:58 pm and is filed under b) 2019 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.