Bear Down Baffa

The Chicago Bears got problems.  And like the Chicago teachers’ strike, we on the outside have no idea if they even know what’s wrong, let alone if they’re anywhere near fixing it.  The Chargers had lost 3 straight, and 5 of 6.  They were just the team we wanted coming off of our own 2-game slump.  And we ALMOST did enough, but we left it in the hands of our kicker.  And like Robbie “I Lost 3 Games in 2015 Alone” Gould and Cody “Squi” Parkey before him, Eddy “Funny Money” Pineiro missed at the buzzer, costing us the game, and ostensibly, our season.  But Pineiro only makes half a mil, whereas the other 2 made almost 4.  So while we might have lost, we did do it at a savings.

Not only do I miss Gould, but I even miss Parkey right now

The Low Down
We were in it the whole way, actually leading for over 34 minutes.  The Chargers gained just 11 yards on their first 3 drives, punting twice and throwing a pick.  Rivers had a 2.8 QBR at the end of the 1st quarter, while Trubisky was 7 of 7 for 70 yards, and a 107.7 (and I didn’t misplace a decimal, those are accurate).  Even rookie David “3 Card Monte” Montgomery was hot, surpassing 100 yards for the 1st time this year just over a minute into the 2nd half.  We wound up gaining 388 total yards, had 26 first downs, and our offense set us up for 22 points.  It was ours for the taking.

Monte had so much time on this 55-yard run that he watched
the replay on the big screen while the play was still going on.

But as they say on the Jersey Shore, the Bears’ O just couldn’t get it in.  We had 1st-and-GOAL on 3 separate drives, but settled for FGs on each.  Sure, “Easy Money” Pineiro made all 3 of THOSE kicks, but they came from the 1, 4 and 7 yard lines.  Kicks don’t get any shorter than that, folks.  And after we went up 16-7 midway through the 3rd quarter – after we DID finally reach the end zone – Trubisky began the 4th by turning the ball over twice in 5 plays.  And despite that, we were STILL in it.

Like Elizabeth Warren, that fumble is so far
to the left, you can barely see it over there!

And like that – it was gone.  This one ended almost exactly like our playoff loss last season:  we trailed by 1, Trubisky drove us down the field to set up a FG for the win with time expiring, and our kicker bit the big one.  The only differences were:  1) Squi’s was from 43 yards, Pineiro’s was 41; 2) the Eagles game ended 16-15, while this one was 17-16; and 3) Squi hit 2 uprights, Eddy didn’t hit any.  Which brings us to a new section this week…

Neither Eddy nor his cunt-putting holder Pat “Slo-Mo” O’Donnell
can even bear to watch the ball after it’s kicked anymore.

Bring Back Squi!  And P.J., Timmy, and Tobin!
No one can forget Squi’s “4 goalposts” game last year against Detroit, or his “double-doink” against Philly.  But what I hadn’t realized was that when you’re hitting the posts, you’re actually really close.  Think about it – hitting a post is the most accurate miss possible, like Eddy Pinhead did in the 1st quarter of this game.  At the time I thought, “Oh no, another doinker?  Can’t we ever just miss WIDE?”  But then on his final kick, the ball wasn’t even close enough to hit one of the 3 brightly-painted yellow poles framing his target.  It somehow seemed worse than the double-doink.

Pinhead:  “No one wants to be friends anymore.  Not even Jesus.”

And in that instant, I realized that missing wide is actually worse than doinking.  Way worse.  At least from a performance perspective.  Sure, doinks are still misses, but barely.  Doinks just SEEM worse from a fans’ perspective.  And like bloggers, fans don’t know shit.  Case in point, we all ran Squi out of town (with a satchel of cash, I might add).  That chuckwagon had 6 doinks in one season, and he only missed 11 all year!  That’s probably the highest ratio in history!  He just might actually be the best kicker in the NFL!  So, my question is:  since we’re already paying him $3.5M this year, can’t we just snatch him back from the Titans?

Guy in suit:  “Dude, just put your head down and walk like this.”

Doubtlook
At 3-4, we’re not mathematically eliminated yet.  But we now trail Min and GB (by 2 ½ and 3 ½ respectively), who’ve both beaten us already.  And that’s just in our division.  We’re also 2 ½ out of the Wild Card, with 7 teams ahead of us – which only leaves 4 behind us.  That means we’re in 12th place out of 16 NFC teams at about the halfway point in the season.  That would be a lot to overcome with a GOOD team.  But when you also consider the fact that we suck, it’s impossible NOT to come to the conclusion that our season is as over as Sunday’s game.

We sure do seem to spend a lot of time planning our celebrations.
And this wasn’t even a TD, it was just a pick!

Quotes of Note
Announcer Thom Brennaman, on the Bears’ offense:  “They’ve had a lot of things go their way on the defensive side, but this offense is just painful to watch these last couple of weeks.” ~ And we gained 157 MORE yards than the Chargers!

This was Trubisky’s INT.  Yeah, I didn’t think he looked open either.

Brennaman, on our offense’s red zone failures:  “0 for 6 on goal-to-go, the Bears have run 5 plays alone from the Charger 4-yard line, gaining 1 yard (combined).” ~ And that was just our SECOND 1st-and-goal!

Trubisky:  “Where is this end zone that everyone’s always talking about?”

Brennaman, on our final drive:  “Trubisky, in fairness to him, did his job, getting his team in position to win it.” ~ When you know your kicking game sucks, the only “position to win” is in the end zone, my friend.  And he got us 22 yards short of that.

I’m not sure if “position to win” is even in this guy’s vocabulary

Matt “Master Of The Obvious (Play-Calling)” Nagy:  “This is a sport where you win, or you lose.  We’ve lost 3 in a row.  We gotta rally the troops.” ~ Maybe get some new troops.  Or better yet, a new general.

Nagy:  “Seriously, Mitch stinks.  What do I do?  What do I do?!'”

Trubisky:  “I’m gonna go back and watch the film, continue to be critical of myself, and continue to get better.” ~ There’s enough “being critical of you” going around for everyone, Mitchell.  Why don’t you just worry about the getting better part.

Also, fanny-packs are out

Funny Money:  “I just tried to hit the ball best I could, and try to play the wind a little bit, but it just didn’t work out.” ~ I wonder what he did that was so bad that Jesus had to punish him like this.  Maybe he just didn’t pray good enough.

And that’s what watching your career fly away looks like

Alex Brown:  “This season’s done.  You got to build now.” ~ Someone tell this mofo that we’ve already been building for 9 straight years!

Bosa seems awfully proud of winning just his 2nd game in 7 tries!

Eddy “I Wish I Had Parkey’s Money” Pineiro:  “Obviously it’s a bad feeling.  I lost that one for the team.  Put that one on me…I’m gonna bounce back.” ~ When you bounce back, will it be off an upright?

Like Pete Buttigieg, this kick started out right down the middle,
but then it hooked so far left that it turned out to be gay!

BEAR DOWN!

#GetItIn
#WideIsWorseThanADoink
#TheSquiSnatchBackRule
#FunnyMoneyNeedsToPrayBetter
#SoFarToTheLeftThatItTurnedOutToBeGay

© 2019

This entry was posted on Mon, Oct 28, 2019 at 9:47 pm and is filed under b) 2019 Posts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.