I have to admit, I didn’t see the Bears winning this week, even considering Detroit sat Matthew Stafford for a backup QB with only 176 NFL passes. I also didn’t see the Troubador out-playing him. But both of those things happened on Sunday. Though neither was by much, they both did happen. So color me surprised, Mr. 14-2 over here. We still stink, and we’re headed nowhere fast, but we took a step forward nonetheless. And at least our team’s “charitable foundation” wasn’t fined $2M this week. I mean, that would really put a fork in us, wouldn’t it? Not to mention we’re gonna need every dollar we’ve got for free agency this off-season. So, all things considered, it’s been a solid week.
Why’d we win? I’d like to submit this pic as exhibit A, your honor.
The Low Down
Last week, the Bears punted 8 times with six 3-and-outs. This week, we punted 9 times with seven 3-and-outs. Yeah, that also happened. But last week, we only scored 2 TDs. And this week, after starting with 4 punts, out of nowhere we scored TDs on 3 straight possessions. We just as quickly reverted back, punting on each of our 5 remaining drives. But that extra TD turned out to be enough. Well, that and allowing 9 fewer points because the Lions went with a QB who’d thrown as many passes this year as Pete Buttigieg.
Now that’s something you don’t see everyday!
The Troubador had his best game of the year, finishing 16/23 for 173 yards, 3 TDs, and a 131.0 QBR. And for about a 10-minute window, starting with 4 minutes left in the half, he was RED HOT, going 9/10 for 129 yards and all 3 of his TDs, for a perfect 158.3 QBR! But before we start e-jerking each other, that means that he completed just 7 of his other 13 passes for 44 yards and a Giraffe-Neck-like 61.1 QBR. Which was even worse than the 73.6 by Detroit’s Jeff “I Was Better Than Mitch For 50 Minutes” Driskel, who threw a career-worst 19 incompletions. So it appears as though our issues at QB remain unresolved.
Hey, you’d keep both of your eyes on Khalil “Klamazzle,
Hossenpepper Incorporated” Mack if you played us, too
And how about this Nick “No Quit” Kwiatkoski, ah?! He had as many tackles as he had ALL last year (10), a sack, his 1st ever INT, and his 1st defended pass in 2 years (he’s a run-stuffer that rarely plays in passing situations). And all that despite coming off the bench. And being white. He filled in when Danny “Who Knew Elbows Could Bend Like That?” Trevathan’s left arm bent back the wrong way at the elbow. Kind of like he was trying to high-five a guy behind him. Let’s just say that that song, “The arm bone’s connected to the shoulder bone” can no longer be sung to Danny the Elbow. Unless you specify his “right” arm.
This pic gives a whole new meaning to the term “assholes
and elbows.” Man, I sure hope he wipes with his right hand.
NPFTD (No Playing For The Draft)
You can forget about PFTD-ing this year, Bear Nation. It’s not an option. First of all, we don’t have a 1st round pick next year. Or a 3rd. Or a 4th. All we have are two 2nds (ours and Oakland’s), a 5th, two 6ths (ours and Philly’s) and a 7th. That’s it. No, seriously! And with each game that OAK and PHI win (they’re both 5-4 after winning 2 straight), 2 of our top 5 picks drop in value. So, regardless of how we perform, the Bears are completely FUCKED in next year’s draft. Sorry mom, but it’s f-ing true.
Driskel should’ve been watching out for No Quit Nick, too!
And even if we PFTD-ed the shit out of this season and finished dead last (like if we lost 7 straight, and 0-9 CIN miraculously won 5 of their remaining 7), the highest we could draft is #33 – at the top of the 2nd round. The Raiders actually stand to gain more ground than we do if we bottom out, as they have our 1st AND 3rd round picks. So the minute we start PFTD-ing, we’d actually be PFOD-ing: Playing For OAKLAND’S Draft. So as much as it pains me to accept, the Bears have no choice but to be “all in” for THIS year. I know, it totally sucks, right?
Ben “Rubber Necker” Braunecker scored his first ever TD. And
then he celebrated like he just saved 15% on his car insurance!
Outlook
No matter how drunk you get, 4-5 isn’t pretty. But the Bears quietly jumped 2 spots to #6 in the Wild Card race, as both AZ (3-5-1) and DET (3-5-1) lost. Above us, there’s a 3-way tie at 5-4 between PHI, CAR and LAR. So we’re only 1 game behind the #3 spot. Which is INSANE! What’s EVEN CRAZIER is that we’re just 2 ½ behind #2 MIN (7-3), which is an actual playoff spot. And not only did we already beat them, but we get to play them again! So with 7 games left, there’s still some life left in our season. We just better start praying really hard that we face some more backup QBs. And that Kwiatkoski starts.
At least it looks like the Bears’ defense has finally
resorted to some thunder-munching of their own!
Quotes of Note
Announcer Dan Fouts, after our 1st drive: “Another 3-and-out for the Bears. And the boos start early here.” ~ Hey, at least it only took us 13 minutes to get our 1st first down this week! Though it did take us another 13 to get our 2nd.
The Detroit D laughed out loud when Trubisky
assumed his favorite thunder-munchee position
Announcer Ian Eagle, before the 4th quarter: “Trubisky has not made any errors today.” ~ I had to include this quote because those 7 words have never been spoken in that order before. And they probably never will be again.
Trubisky: “I find that it helps if the other team’s starting QB is hurt.”
Lance Briggs, on the reason we were able to win: “It could (just) be the Lions.” ~ Well it certainly wasn’t the Bears. At least not any Bears NOT named Kwiatkoski!
One teammate held him up in the air while
the others took turns touching his booty
Coach “If I Don’t Dub The Club, I Get” Nagy, when asked if he ever considered canceling Club Dub celebrations: “Never…even in this 4-game slide that we just came through, every Saturday morning, we have our own (Club Dub party). It keeps the energy going. We did it last year. Why not keep doing it?” ~ Uhm, if you have a party to celebrate a loss, it should be called “Club Dumb.”
Such a communist
BEAR DOWN!
#KhalilKlamazzleHossenpepperIncorporatedMack
#NoQuitNick
#ClubDumb
#NagyIsACommunist
© 2019
Bear Down Baffa 
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